My seduction journey began sixteen years ago when I was fourteen, standing in the magazine section behind an unbelievably cute girl, tongue-tied and at an utter loss on what to say or do.

The first thing I did when I got home frustrated was to google 'how to pick up girls' and discovered M.ASF, Ross Jefferies, and Mike Pilinski's High Status Male, which was one of the most eye-opening books I was to read at that tender age (It was essentially Manson's Models for the 2000s).

Over the years I drifted in and out of the community, but never committed fully to the ideology. Did I practice the things I learned? Sometimes. Did they help me in my interactions with women? Certainly- I lost my virginity shortly later that year to the cutest girl who lived next door- I chatted her up on a bus in front of her mother- and have had since many sexy adventures all over the world, and am currently in an open relationship with a beautiful, strong woman.

However, did I ever gain the ability to fearlessly approach and engage the women I encounter and desire everyday? No. I have never been able to consistent make lasting emotional connections or felt truly abundant with women. I still struggle to approach, I still feel hesitant, and most importantly I still feel unworthy. This I discovered today in the aisle of the local Ikea store.

I was coming up to the counter when I see her in front of me in line. Stylishly dressed, honey-coloured skin, and literary tattoos. We make eye contact. I see her face- a perfect 10. She's Eurasian- the perfect blend of Eastern and Western features. I stand behind her and try to decipher the words on her arm- it says LAT DEN RATTE KOMMA IN, and I try to figure out what that means frantically. My heart's racing, my mouth is dry. My mind is pumping out excuses. 'You're dressed like shit.' ( I was.) 'She's way too cool for you. (She probably is.) 'No one this attractive isn't attached already.' She whips out a credit card and pays for her $500+ bill without batting an eye. (Great, she's rich too.) She's with a small old lady I assume to be her grandmother- they pause to collect their items while I pay for mine.

I can't approach. My mind continues to sabotage me 'You're in a relationship, she won't like this'. I think of a suitable opener too late, and decipher the phrase. She and her grandmother move to another queue for delivery. She's the elusive perfect 10. I haven't felt so electrified like this since I was a teenager. All my hunter instincts are screaming GO GO GO DON'T SQUANDER THIS but I can't. I just can't. I loiter out of sight for a while, hoping she passes by giving me another chance. But they leave by another entrance.

Today has forced me to confront the fact that I have always shied away from pursuing what I really desire, and that I am woefully unable to step up to the plate (this moment you've been training for sixteen years!) when it really matters.

This is problem I hope to confront and change over the next few of years. I'm still essentially the same tongue-tied boy in the aisle, when confronted with something I truly desired, despite all my years of experience and growth.

Thanks for reading my confessional/, any suggestions on how to progress from here are very much welcome.