Forbid cheating versus allowing with consequences?

ThingsCouldGetKinky · 2016-08-27T11:27:55+00:00

Boundaries are personal, and don't "forbid" or necessarily "allow" (using your words).

My personal boundary is cheating.....I will not stay in a relationship where I'm cheated on.

Notice that statement is an "I"/"me" statement. You're putting out your standards without taking away or negotiating their autonomy. They still have autonomy to have their way, but with the knowledge of my feelings towards whatever my boundary may be.

Now, my husband and I each have go out nights....he'll happy hour with coworkers, or by himself and mingle with the bar patrons. I'll have a girls night, go to a show, or something on my own.

Our "define the relationship" talk (well over a decade ago) had the discussion about flirting behavior (we met in a bar, he was a musician, I was a bartender) because it was common for both of us to do. Girls fawned over him for being in the band, and well, I was bartender.

We both know flirting may happen, and neither of us feels flirting/accepting flirting is cheating.

It's fun, makes us feel a spark, and enjoy our confidence. We still flirt when we go out, come home, and have fun with it.

The main thing is that I trust him, and we know each other's personal boundaries.

wizy57 · 2016-08-27T14:02:19+00:00

When my gf goes out I just tell her to have fun because we've had the cheating talk and it's unacceptable yada yada. And anyways, if you have to tell someone to not cheat right before they go out it probably won't affect their acts at all. They either will or won't cheat. And that's their decision.

Plus, I think that saying something like that right before they go out is a great way to sour their outing by showing a lack of trust and it might spark some bad feelings either in the distant or very near future.

rickrossroll · 2016-08-27T14:43:09+00:00

Those are the same option. If a girl asks you if it's okay to give out their number to some dude, explicitly for the purpose of cheating, you should probably drop them immediately, period. Unless you're into that sort of thing. Then, play on.

MeIsRo · 2016-08-27T15:04:28+00:00

I've always told my girlfriends that i believe attraction is not a choice but doing something about it is.. Meaning, you don't look at someone and decide whether you want to be attracted to them.... you either are, or aren't, but pursuing that person is completely up to you. So I tell her she's free to be attracted to whoever, and go out and do whatever. But if she makes the decision to take action on her attraction, I will take action as well. By ending the relationship. Fairly simple

R3xz · 2016-08-27T11:22:53+00:00

"You are a free woman, an independent adult, you're welcome to go out on your own for your entertainment. Just don't do anything that you would regret later, have fun and stay safe!"

I think that's a classier way of saying it.

highideas · 2016-08-27T14:02:19+00:00

Risk Reward. We are sexual beings and when alcohol and partying are involved things go out the window. I would have a hard stop and define cheating early on in any serious relationship. "Cheating to me is....." It could be kissing, snapchatting nudes, etc etc. Flirting to me is a natural need. People want to be wanted. The flirting thing is a relationship dependent thing and there are too many variables that could take it over the top.

tooeasilybored · 2016-08-27T17:51:48+00:00

Don't do any of that, instead ask yourself if you're in this because you perhaps want to marry her or are you just in it for some fun. Then ask yourself, do you trust her.

rvhack · 2016-08-28T02:59:45+00:00

The way I'm wired, "everyone deserves a second chance but you".

If someone cheats on me I'm going to respond the way I see fit and for me no one like that is worth keeping. I'd be out.

tails2tails · 2016-09-01T04:26:52+00:00

I can't control anyone else but myself. The girl knows that and it's basically what I say. They know what will happen if they cheat, I know what I'll do if they cheat. The decision is ultimately theirs to make.

Viped · 2016-08-27T10:03:00+00:00

To be honest both ways makes you sound like a jerk to me. What does it matter if she accept drinks and flirt with guys if nothing is going to happen and if something is going to happen it happens anyway allow you it or not. It sounds like you are not confident enough to trust your girl. But if you really really really want to go this way then yeah "allowing" is the better way.

jimmiepop · 2016-08-27T15:03:51+00:00

Freshly fucked by you, if I asked your girl - "If that had been a one night stand, would skapole get the callback?" - what would be her answer?

If her answer is "Fuck Yessss!!"; your questions are moot. She's coming home to that dick.

Otherwise, you've got some work to do. And its not figuring out how to articulate "boundaries." Seriously, brother, you lack the power to "forbid" or "allow" any behavior. Your girl is a grown ass woman. She's going to do wetf she wants to do. You cannot control her and any attempt(s) to do so comprise NLB behavior and will likely ensure that you eventually drive her away. I would not even mention any "boundaries" unless specifically asked. I would also not threaten any specific consequences. Strength is in action, not words.

Want real relationship security? STFU about the definition of cheating and devote your full and considerable energies to making that pussy sing. Create a safe, non-judgmental emotional space for her where she can let her inner freak out. Invest the time necessary to learn, really learn, her body. Invest the time to learn her psych turn ons. Learn how to talk dirty. Learn how to text dirty. Build excitement out of the BR. Up your bedroom skills. Get her to the point she's begging for it and screaming your name. Then guide her to some exciting new territory.

locotx · 2016-08-27T15:53:44+00:00

You're well on your way to being cucked . . . enjoy your hotwife =)

peachesandcreame · 2016-08-27T16:08:04+00:00

open relationship fool

Title	Forbid cheating versus allowing with consequences?
Author	skapole
Upvotes	15
Comments	20
Date	August 27, 2016 9:04 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/4zthnr/forbid_cheating_versus_allowing_with_consequences/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/forbid-cheating-versus-allowing-with-consequences.1411484 https://theredarchive.com/post/1411484

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