Today I wanted to feel boss. I repeated the word awesome to myself until I felt something. I thought of good times I had before. I felt very talkative.

When I hit the train, I chatted with the lady next to me about the train ads (it was for kitty litter.) The lady got a laugh out of it and she left. Another group of big black women came and sat near me. A boy with an accordian comes to play for spare change and everyone gives him the look of "What the fuck are you playin?" The music was atrocious. the man next to me jammed his hands onto his ears.

Once he leaves, I start up a conversation about what the accordian was (I forgot what it was called.) I ended up sharing some serious laughs with the people around me on the train. There were other people down the car who were looking in our direction, seeing what all the fun was about. It felt pretty boss.

I then walked around the midtown area and got rejected a bunch of times. The first approach I did was on this gorgeous girl who didnt want to talk because her parents were there. I just walked away pretending I didn't know English. The other rejections, one girl was following some religious holiday (ramadan?) and she said she couldn't do it. Another girl, she was bald. I've never chatted with a bald girl before. Sadly, she didn't see much in the conversation and walked away.

I then walked around a bit more and came across a girl holding some doll. I was so curious as to why a girl would be petting a doll in the middle of herald square. She laughed and told me that it was for her friend that she was waiting for.

I didn't notice it at first but she was kinda cute. She was like a 6 in my book. He tits were ginormous and she had green eyes. I like green eyes. We talked about the doll and then movies and then jobs. After that I asked for her number because I genuinely thought she was cool i wasn't hitting on her because I thought she was hot. I just thought: "Wow, shes kinda cool to talk to." I brought up the topic of sex and how logistically I cant have sex in my house and she cant have it in hers. I asked her how would this even work if we were to hook up. I tossed out the idea of fucking in a dressing room. This was totally new territory for me. I have never gotten this far in a conversation before. I felt calm, collected. I felt cool. I was having this cool conversation about sex and no relationships. We changed numbers and I texted her to brainstorm some ideas about hooking up since she too lives with her parents. I felt that this was a success in my book. However, I was kinda demotivated. Where the fuck was I going to fuck? The question stuck in my head the entire day. If the girl didnt have a place to fuck, then I'm screwed. Fuck the pun.

Also, she called me on my bluff that I was waiting for a friend. I played it through, saying that I really was waiting for a friend to come so we could go shopping for shirts. I didn't know whether I should've told her the truth there. Anyways, after I sent her the text, we parted ways with a hug. She has not texted me back but she made sure I had her number. I felt confused but a little more sure that she was interested in me.

After this, I walked around the area a little bit more, feeling like that guy from office space, the one who got hypnotized and didn't give a fuck. It started to rain. I decided to go home after getting that number.

During waiting for the train, I make eye contact with this girl sitting on a bench. Her face wasn't much but her body was bangin'. I looked at her. She looked at me, I then looked away and kept walking. the train wasn't there. I then thought to myself: "why the fuck not?"

I walked back, and said her eyes were humoungous, which is why they caught my attention. We chatted for a bit, we were taking the same train. I felt completely myself during the conversation. She seemed a bit shy and I didnt really feel like asking her for her number. However, it did make my train ride go by pretty quickly. She got off and I'll never see her again or know again who the fuck she is. I should've gotten her number for fuck's sake (for the sake of fucking.)

It felt good to not give a fuck about the outcome. I'm going to have to pursue this feeling. It is new to me. After that whole day of creeping on saturday with my overly direct approaches. Today felt like a nice day after a terrible storm (metaphorically in my head). I felt good. I liked the sensaion. I just don't feel like approaching these girls with no control over where I can fuck. It sucks.

My goal however, is to fuck around in public, like in a dressing room or someplace semiprivate. That's kind of my fantasy. Also, there was the whole situation of making up excuses as to why I was there. I can't just say I'm spending my Sunday hitting on girls in nyc, can I?

Also, another thing I noticed: talking to people is so much easier. I went to watch batman yesterday with my siblings and I chatted with the people in front of my on line as if it was second nature to me. It was a dude and I was just messing around. I even started doing batman lines in a gravely voice. I was having fun. I feel that nailing this social thing will be more worth its time than gold.

tl;dr: I felt what it feels like to not give a fuck. If it wasn't the whole sensation, I felt a taste of it. It was wonderful.