Keeping it short:

I've always been awkward, only gaining social skills through crutches like being hard partying quiet or mildly goofy guy until drunk and then playing the clown. I have never had a deep relationship with anyone and that dysfunction runs truly deep.

I've been out of my past social circle and on my own for some time now. Over the last few weeks, I've mustered up all my past failed starts at being confident into another try. The problem is, my energy tends to come from feeling like I've slacked off, or I deserve better after mild to moderate depression or just not caring etc. It motivates me to push so hard I kind of get tunnel vision and really focus on being up-beat, social and on point, but I think it's too much. I get emotional, passionate, really aroused, almost lost in "confidence" and I find that the few people left in my old social circle don't react to me the same; which throws me off and I start to feel guilty, weird and overall just confused about "losing my personality". (I realize this sounds at least vaguely like mental illness)

Specifically, I just don't act like the goofy and silly guy around them when I've been really trying to get into dating for the past week or two. I become hyper aroused and just wallowing in being free of feeling anxious for a while. Eye contact is easy, thinking is clear but I feel like maybe it's too intense, even if mostly on the "inside" always in the back of my head keeping the "flirtation" and "prowess" mode going. Then I notice I'm being so intense around friends and family that have known me for a long time and it creeps me out, which makes the whole thing crash into anxiety and feeling all over the place.

It gets to the point where I'm basically uncomfortable eventually, like the arousal doesn't stop. I start to be aroused around my friends girlfriends that I think of like sisters...it gets weird. I think it has a lot to do with how hard I have to push to disregard a lot of self doubt and obsessive concerns about frivolous things AND truly not having real intimacy ever in my life.

Does anyone else get in a cycle like this? I just feel like the only way I can get into a state is to push so hard and focus so much it doesn't turn off until I eventually crash....I guess it's about compartmentalizing?