Background, I've been growing into the awesome person that I've meant to be, but not quite there yet. But that's okay, I'm closer to the social butterfly than the anti-social lump I chose to be. I'm fitter, have developed my own personality, and really pursued my desires. I believed I developed confidence and dressed far better then I have previously. Yet, I felt like I had a oneitis that just made me crumble.

I've known that rejection is not terrible, but I've never quite internalized it. Previously, I've asked out two different girls with brass brazen confidence and was put off, until I realized that they were just reluctant to say no. I've was outcome independent, non-reactive, and realized that there's more then just 2 women in the world. However, I had a lull in existence, and over the last week I've developed serious oneitis for a friend. (In my sleep and day dreaming obsessively, I thought this was incredibly useless and taxing mentally but it was just incessant.) I realized that I need closure on this and that anywhere but fantasizing a relationship is an improvement. I just asked a girl out in the least confident voice I've croaked out in my 16 years of existence. She initially thought I was asking to go to the prom with her as a friend, but I told her that all I wanted was a relationship.

I was told that she just wasn't attracted to me, and I think that I grew from it far more then I would have if I had gotten a yes. I politely said thanks, and gave a friendly bye. It seems I constantly treat girls differently if I believe that I have a chance with them, often times being dishonest about my true personality. I feel that it stems from the fact that I'm afraid of realizing that my true self isn't 'good enough', although I feel my true self is far better than the substitute I present.

The closure definitely helped, I'm now more focused on my own goals, and I think I need the self-drive right now to succeed. However with that in mind, I realize what's necessary to achieve my dreams. Any comments? Critiques?