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[–]IWriteForGroupies 2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
There are a lot of details missing for your long text that should be in paragraphs.
It could have all been in your head or he could have been flirting. Married people flirt. Also, there are plenty of people who find wearing rings annoying. The best way to find out if someone is in a relationship is to ask them. Even then, they can lie.
[–]CibrecaNA 2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link
Uh--are you a woman? Or a man? Because that wasn't clear.
But yeah he was flirting with you and yeah he's married. And no he won't likely leave his wife for you but he will likely have sex with you given the opportunity. And if you're uncool with that, then break it off with him. If you don't care, then give him the sex but don't expect him to break off with his wife for you. Also don't harass his wife over it.
How you break it off is by asking "How's the wife?" How you get him to advance on you is, "You must be a real bad boy. I like bad boys. Even married ones."
[–]Justwondering83 9 years ago [recovered] (7 children) | Copy Link
Woman - lol. Thank you for the reply. 34yo. The dude is maybe 42ish.
[–]CibrecaNA 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
Ok well. If you think a guy is flirting with you, it's because he's flirting with you. No such thing as an accidental flirt on a man's part. Maybe not even on a woman's part TBH.
Especially not some 42 year old.
[–]Justwondering83 9 years ago [recovered] (5 children) | Copy Link
You're the best - thank you! I see your point.
[–]frankreyes -1 points0 points1 point 9 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
Then this week, I flirted with him
You're projecting. You said that you flirted with him, and for that now you think he's flirting with you. We can't know for sure if he's flirting with you, but we know for sure that you flirted with him.
[–]Justwondering83 9 years ago [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link
No that's not what I said. All of this took place before the one time I think I flirted with him on purpose. And by flirting on purpose, I only mean that I went into his office (after he told me to come see him in his office) and gave him a little attention - smiled, laughted etc.
[–]frankreyes -1 points0 points1 point 9 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
You're clearly attracted to him. You were right from the moment you too met. There's nothing wrong with that. That's how you feel and it's great. And this is were you and I disagree: you believe that's wrong, just because he is married. It would be wrong if you were actively pursuing a romantic relationship with him. You should not apologize for your feelings, you're only responsible for your actions (as long as you don't take drugs).
From here I can't tell you if he likes you, if he is flirting with you, etc. But it is clear that you're projecting. Even if he was indeed flirting with you, you're still projecting. Because you like him.
[–]Justwondering83 9 years ago [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
Okay. Well, next time he looks me in the eyes and bites his lip, I will try to remember that I'm just projecting. Lol. I do see your point though and thanks for the comment.
[–]frankreyes 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I look at the eyes to others and bite my lips all the time yet I rarely flirt with people.
[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link
He kept staring me in the eyes and I kept contact a lot of the time because I think it's professional/respectful.
Possible double standard here. You're taking note of his eye contact, but your eye contact is explained as professional.
Then something weird happened (which sometimes happens when you look in someone's eyes too long) - I began to see him as a human being beyond a co-worker. He even seemed vulnerable to me. I began to feel a sort of affection for him.
Is it really weird then? You acknowledge that this is something that can happen with prolonged eye contact.
In any case, if we assume that simply holding a lot of eye contact doesn't magically make you attracted to just anyone, then what we have here is a situation where this particular man has triggered some emotions in you. It's really on you to examine why. Maybe he reminded you of someone in your past.
Later he saw me in the hallway and helped me carry some stuff to my desk. Later I gave him something small and he returned a replacement to me. Over the next few days he stopped by my desk several times. He has been really nice and the eye thing kept happening - locked eyes then one would look away.
Not necessarily any flags here. Helping co-workers is what co-workers do, especially if they get along.
And as for the eye contact, well it seems like you latched onto this early on, and it's unclear if you're projecting your own wishes onto professional or merely friendly eye contact, or if something else is going on.
The sexual tension built fast - it got awkward. I was concerned people would notice and someone asked me if I knew him before (which I didn't). It seemed like some kind of weird silent courting was taking place. I began thinking about him randomly during the day - when he would talk we would lock eyes, the tension kept increasing. It was crazy. I was super horny.
All this is notably stuff that is going on in your head. Your interpretations about his behavior. Things you imagine. Things you imagine might happen. You're building it up fast.
He came to talk to me about the same thing 3 times and then emailed and apologized in case he created confusion. I was like WTH is going on.
Again, it's your own build-up about all this, that is leading to you wondering what the hell is going on. To him, it was probably just a work situation.
Then this week, I flirted with him a little and someone said to me that he was married.
Finally, we have you acting out your musings in the real world and THAT'S when someone finally said something.
Huh? Did I dream that the flirtation happened?
Nothing you brought up in his behavior, indicates any particular interest on his part to pursue you.
What do you guys think happened here? Was it in my head?
It could be that he finds you attractive, but that's not infidelity. If it were, then a lot of marriages would be in trouble. He didn't do anything to pursue you. And in the end, the point is moot. He might have been flirty. But he never tried anything.
[–]Justwondering83 9 years ago [recovered] (6 children) | Copy Link
To recyclablebanthas
Thank you for that thoughtful and detailed response.
Projection is always a possibility.
Also, I wasn't saying that he did anything wrong (re: he may have been flirty but didn't try anything). We are all human and flirting happens.
I was more so curious about whether or not I understood his behavior correctly. I need to know the difference between flirting and professional friendliness (not so I can be judgy) but so I know when a man is interested! Lol.
I haven't misread anyone so far but this one threw me for a loop. He kept coming to see me, he crossed a room to stand next to me, stood close to me, etc. There were also a couple of subtle things like his voice was a little different, almost tender when he talked to me in his office. I don't want to think I am making this up because if I am - I am completely crazy 😜
There was also a moment when he said he was going to start staying locally on weekends (he's commuting from out of state now) because it was going to suck traveling back and forth. I said "yeah that would suck bad" and it got really silent. I didn't say it deliberately like a pervy-thing and I said it in my normal voice (nothing porn-like). When I turned around (he was behind me) he was looking at the floor and biting his lip.
It could be projection but if it is, that means I can't trust my intuition about these things which sucks. 😔
Also I only found out about his being married coincidently - I realized that what I wrote sounded like the flirting and finding out he was married were related.
I was talking to a friend who mentioned that she had talked to him about a school for his kids. I said "oh I didn't know he had kids" and she said "yeah his wife and kids are moving here this summer" (remember he is still commuting from out of state).
So anyway, that's the whole story now.
[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
Well, it might have gotten lost in my giganto-post, but in the end, my points were essentially that:
Men will usually make moves if they're interested. Like they try to invite you to hang out. Or they might try to get in closer. Etc.
Married people flirt too. They can be attracted to people who aren't their spouses. What matters is that he apparently hasn't been making any real moves to create time alone with you outside of work.
And the point is kind of moot because you're not looking to be the other women?
So for what it's worth, I don't think you're going crazy, especially after the additional context you've given. But the issue perhaps isn't about that, I think, so much as it's about your crush on this guy?
[–]Justwondering83 9 years ago* [recovered] (4 children) | Copy Link
Thank you. I agree with the bullets and no, I can't be the "other woman." As far as the crush goes, yes - I do like him but those feelings will have to be managed.
The crush is one issue but the biggest issue is me. The back story is: Im 34 and I've been divorced for 1 year. My friends have disappeared. I work constantly, have a high stress job that I moved to the middle of nowhere for and I only have a few superficial friendships at work.
This guy shows up at work and pays me attention. I'm isolated (geographically from friends/family) + lonely + feel different from everyone else because of what I've been through (my marriage was hell).
Now I also feel completely dillusional 😱 because I thought this guy at work was into me when maybe he wasn't. I guess it's best to always keep it strictly professional so this sort of confusion doesn't happen.
[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Im 34 and I've been divorced for 1 year. My friends have disappeared. I work constantly, have a high stress job that I moved to the middle of nowhere for and I only have a few superficial friendships at work. This guy shows up at work and pays me attention. I'm isolated (geographically from friends/family) + lonely + feel different from everyone else because of what I've been through (my marriage was hell).
Im 34 and I've been divorced for 1 year. My friends have disappeared. I work constantly, have a high stress job that I moved to the middle of nowhere for and I only have a few superficial friendships at work.
Damn. It all makes perfect sense. What you're laying out here and the way this guy struck a chord with you.
It's all a big message to you that you need to take better care of yourself. I know you moved out there for work, but if it's that isolated and you don't relate to the people out there, then something has to change. Work is not enough for a full life!!
If you haven't started yet, I'd seriously start planning how to escape to another location. Whether than means changing companies or simply changing branches.
You're not delusional. It's perfectly natural when you're lonely, to have a strong reaction to attention from an attractive person. And to be honest, IMO, this was a wake-up call to you. Let's be real: it's probably a temptation to try to get with that guy, married or not, if you get along as well as you do and there's NO one else in your area that you've connected with. Under the current circumstances, it would probably have been a disaster if he WERE single because then you'd suddenly be reliant upon him for everything social, which is a terrible situation also. Overall, you're just asking for trouble unless you can find a way to re-build a social circle for yourself.
Sometimes there are options you might not have considered, in terms of social activities. If you post the general area where you are, or private message me, I might have some suggestions, as I have rebuilt my own social circles a number of times, including after moving overseas to a place where I was socially isolated for YEARS, following a breakup, until I managed to solve the issue. (Just post a reply here or PM me with details about your general interests, your general area, including the nearest metro area and how far away it is from you.)
And if you need to dial it back for work then do what you need to do. But I think if you managed to take the pressure off of yourself by rebuilding a social life, it will be easier to enjoy a normal work relationship with that guy for what it is.
If you keep with the status quo though, I'm fairly certain you're at risk of finding yourself doing things you'd rather not be doing.
[–]Justwondering832 points 9 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
I sent you a direct message. Thx for your advice. It's helped a lot already. Let me know if I can do anything for you.
[–]joazito 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
He may be married but really lust after you. Happened to me, I spent weeks fantasising about barely touching lips with a coworker (that's how far my mind allowed me to go). In my case, I wasn't sexually fulfilled at home so that played a part. I would love to know what would have happened if things had progressed, but they didn't. Nowadays I'm separated, and part of me wishes I had done it then.
I'm sorry you are going through a separation. If you still think of the missed opportunity, maybe you should reach out after divorcing. I might be into it if someone said they used to lust after me but had to control themselves because they were married. It shows self restraint and it's sexy. Just sayin'
[–]joazito 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Thanks for that you're one nice gal. I won't try to contact her anytime soon but reading this made me definitely feel better.
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[–]IWriteForGroupies 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]CibrecaNA 2 points3 points4 points (8 children) | Copy Link
[–]Justwondering83 [recovered] (7 children) | Copy Link
[–]CibrecaNA 0 points1 point2 points (6 children) | Copy Link
[–]Justwondering83 [recovered] (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]frankreyes -1 points0 points1 point (4 children) | Copy Link
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[–]frankreyes -1 points0 points1 point (2 children) | Copy Link
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[–]Justwondering83 [recovered] (6 children) | Copy Link
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[–]Justwondering832 points [recovered] | Copy Link
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