Hey all,

Whenever I've hooked up with a girl it's been 'accidental' and even probably in spite of my conversation rather than because of it. When I actually know who I want and pursue it it doesn't really work out. I'm never quite forward enough in my expression of desire and probably this leads to the girl thinking there is no attraction there.

Recently I heard from a friend that two girls I know thought I was really hot, and that he heard this other girl was "obsessed" with me for a long time. I had really no idea about the first two and for the third I thought there was something but not to that extent and also I wasn't sure if I was attracted to her.

It's like... Whenever I find myself attracted to someone I quickly lose the internal motivation and direct 'will' and start doing it because I 'should' -- as if it is an obligation upon me, the expectation placed upon men by society, and as soon as it comes from this sort of thought rather than directly from 'within' it's no longer fun, and also no longer brings fruition because it seems as if such things are meant to be mostly intuitive than rationalized to the extent that I tend to subject things to.

I've had an experience in the past as a kid (I was sexually assaulted). This may have some bearing on my current behavior. I think my mind has gotten to a point where I find myself disconnected from that experience, but I don't know if subconsciously it still affects me somehow. I do know that, once, a girl slipped at a party and I was helping her get up, then she just jumped at me and tried to make out and I freaked out real bad and was in a bad place the rest of that night -- most probably a subconscious connection with that first experience.

It's a mix of lack of motivation and obliviousness. I find myself super motivated and successful in other areas of my life -- music, programming being two -- and perhaps there is something I can learn from myself there and apply in understanding and connecting with people sexually.