I believe one of the reasons I avoid social situations (and thus rarely get a chance to talk to new women) is because I dont know how to enjoy myself. I cant help but see any event I go to as just a means to an end (hopefully finding a gf) because otherwise I have no motivation to be social at all.

Conversations with people tend to either bore or intimidate me and I have no intuition for group dynamics so I tend to always be left alone on the fringes of parties or whatever. If I did what was fun or made me happy I would just stay inside and listen to podcasts and play video games. I don't know how I can start to enjoy myself in social settings when I'm constantly being reminded of how awkward and inferior I am to the other people there. The only thing that can get me out the door is the slight chance that I might meet a nice girl who by some miracle is interested in me.

I cant be outcome independent since if I make no progress towards alleviating my toxic loneliness at an event then I will have suffered a huge amount of stress and discomfort and humiliation for nothing. I dont understand what enjoyment guys can get at social events besides female attention and validation.

I hate being a shut in and wasting my college years but I haven't found any group activity or club that doesnt make me stressed and miserable. I dont have any hobbies I can share with people either, and I'm terrible at every new one I've tried. How can I enjoy going out and interacting with others, even when I fuck up and get embarrassed and lose any chance at attracting a girl in the group?