The Feynman Principle

“The first principle is that you must not fool yourself — and you are the easiest person to fool.” -Richard Feynman

If I had to attribute the creation of this book to one person, it would have to be the Nobel Prize winning physicist and general all-around badass Richard P. Feynman. When he was not crushing it in the field of particle physics, Feynman spent time exploring his other interests which included travel, playing drums, painting and meeting women. I first read the book Surely You’re Joking, Mr. Feynman: Adventures of a Curious Character while attending university, and the chapter in which Feynman was taught how to pick-up women by an illiterate bartender became forever ingrained in my memory. Little did I know then, but a seed had been planted in my mind which would later sprout into a life filled with travel and adventure.

During my time at university, any remnant of a social life quickly evaporated. Keeping halfway decent grades required me to spend most weekends buried deep inside the library. Not only did the engineering environment turn out not to be very conducive to meeting women, but it also provided me with an incredibly narrow worldview. I lived for years in a bubble, where the only thing that others around me seemed to care about was scholastic achievement. I thought that there must be more to life than earning points by making marks on a sheet of paper. However, no one else around me seemed interested in finding out what else life had to offer. They all appeared content to go through each day as if they were sitting on an assembly line which emptied into the cubicle containers where they were to spend the rest of their lives.

At least this was the case until my junior year, when I was assigned a female lab partner. I could tell from the start that this girl was different from the other students. Although she excelled in the system, she did not buy into it to the same degree as everyone else. I greatly admired her independence and determination to do as she pleased. On a much deeper level, she was an embodiment of the freedom that I was unconsciously craving. However, this pursuit was to end in heartbreak and failure, as I proceeded to make every mistake in the book when it comes to attracting a woman. The greatest mistake being that I was searching for salvation in another person rather than finding it within myself.

At the end of four years, I was completely fed up with my state of affairs, and could not stand to remain on the conveyor belt any longer. Upon graduating — dissatisfied with what had become the status quo of my life and longing for a change — I packed a bag and left the United States. I have been primarily traveling and living abroad ever since.

One night in Poland, I met a group of five girls at a dance club. After sitting and talking with them for a while, I noticed that the drink of the cutest girl sitting across from me was empty in addition to my own. I asked her if she would like to go to the bar with me to get another drink. She said “yes,” and we proceeded to go over to the bar and place our orders. I was about to pay for both of our drinks when the Feynman story re-entered my head. In short, the Feynman story advocates never paying for a woman that you just met. A notion I thus justly refer to as the “Feynman principle.” At first, this may sound incredibly counterintuitive. You are probably asking yourself the question: “Why shouldn’t I pay for a girl that I like?” I thought the same, but in this instance decided to go against my social programming — which at the time felt completely wrong — and pay only for my own drink. The girl was stunned when I did not offer to pay for her. She was so sure that I was going to buy her a drink, that she had left her wallet at our table on the other side of the dance floor. She thus had to embarrassingly walk back to her friends to fetch her purse, leaving the bartender holding her beverage.

During the remainder of the night, we hardly spoke and her friends repeatedly called me an asshole for not paying for her. However, later when we were all leaving the venue and kissing each other goodbye on the cheeks (as is the custom among acquaintances in Poland), the girl that I had embarrassed whispered to me that I owed her a real kiss. We then proceeded to make out.

By taking a chance and applying a principle that then went against my current intuition and world model, success was found. I realized that if I was wrong about the consequences behind the simple act of buying a girl a drink, then I likely still held many other false beliefs. By applying the Feynman principle, even while not yet fully understanding the deeper core principles at play, I was able to achieve dramatic results. These results served as the catalyst for my further delving into the science behind attraction. I began to devour books and other material regarding attraction and test all my prior assumptions. This fascination culminated in me traveling the world and coaching alongside some of its top dating instructors. The results of what I have learned over years of investigation are clearly laid out for you in this book.

With my newfound understanding, it is now clear to me why the Feynman principle is effective. The issue is not the actual act of buying a woman a drink, but what the act sub-communicates and one’s intentions behind it. When you offer to buy a woman that you barely know a drink, it often carries with it a clear connotation. You are communicating that you are willing to provide material possessions in exchange for attention, affection and/or potential sexual favors. Even if you tell yourself that you don’t actually want to sleep with the woman, you are still sending her the message: “Please take this gift and like me.” While you may believe that you are offering an altruistic gift, in reality you are still in fact asking for something in return. You desire that your gift will be met by a positive response or at the very least recognition. If you believed that you yourself were of value, then you would not feel the need to provide immediate material compensation to a woman with whom you want to converse. After receiving an unsolicited gift from a man that she does not know, some women will immediately be made uncomfortable by the feeling that they owe you something in return. Other women, who are of the type that are constantly seeking validation, will smile and thank you before leaving you to seek further validation elsewhere. Regardless of how the woman accepts your gift, you may immediately place yourself at a disadvantage by establishing an initial frame in which you are overtly trying to sell yourself.

You can just as effectively signal your interest to a woman without also offering a bribe. Do not misinterpret this lesson and believe that the point is never to buy a woman a drink. Again, the issue is not the action itself, but rather what is being sub-communicated. There are certainly situations where it is appropriate to pay for a woman, e.g. she has already bought you a drink or the drink comes from a place where you are not giving to get something in return. However, it is necessary for the woman to perceive this as the case. Often by initiating a conversation by offering to purchase a drink for a woman, the woman will automatically group you in with the other 95% of guys who do it to barter for her attention. Thus to prevent being pegged as one of these men, I have found that not buying a drink is the correct decision the vast majority of the time when initially interacting with a woman that I do not yet know.

What is most important is that you are effectively communicating the honest intent behind your actions. If you do want something in return for the drink — that is fine — but your expectations must be honestly communicated to the woman from the start. This was the surprising discovery that Feynman made when he outright asked a woman if she would sleep with him prior to buying her a drink. Likewise, if a woman asks you why you refuse to buy her a drink, tell her your honest reason for not doing so. I personally say to such women: “Don’t take it personally, but I do not buy women that I just met drinks. I believe it can send the wrong message.” This response is usually met by a short look of surprise, followed by a smile and the woman becoming intrigued.

The Feynman story also advocates being ungentlemanly towards women that you are interested in. Again, while Feynman was correct in observing that one can achieve successful results by employing such tactics, he does not delve deep enough and address the first principles which explain why being disrespectful can be effective. I personally do not believe that it is ever necessary to be purposely disrespectful to other people. However, I fully understand why being disrespectful seems to yield positive results with women. An understanding of the deeper fundamental principles regarding attraction reveals the truth behind the popular belief that women love assholes. Most women that have had a half-way decent childhood are not attracted to men who are mean, self-centered, arrogant, obnoxious or indifferent towards others. Instead, it is the underlying complementary characteristics that often go with being an asshole that account for why women are attracted to them. Fortunately for humanity, these positive and attractive characteristics are not mutually exclusive to being an asshole. One can cultivate these positive attributes separately from the other negative traits.

Self-centeredness can be a characteristic of a man who is fervently pursuing what he deems as his purpose in life. Arrogance often correlates with a man who has great belief in himself. An obnoxious person typically believes that what he has to say holds value. Appearing indifferent can be a trait of a man who has abundance and is secure in his environment. Thus women are not attracted to assholes per se, but instead to confident men, who are secure with themselves, know and go for what they want and do not let the opinions of others faze them.

As previously discussed, a nice guy’s actions can often be interpreted by a woman as an attempt to buy her affection. Thus inversely, being disrespectful to a woman is the clearest way of communicating that you are indifferent to her opinion of you. After all, a woman who has not read this book would likely find it hard to rationalize why a man interested in her would be insulting. An insult can sub-communicate to a woman that you are not trying to impress her or are emotionally dependent on her validation. Thus the woman will not sense that you have an agenda and will be more likely to trust what you say as being honest.

While I do not advocate actively insulting women, you should not be filtering your true thoughts and beliefs in an attempt to impress a woman or tell her what you think she wants to hear. When a woman senses that you are stuck in your head and filtering your words, she loses the sense that she can fully trust what you say and realizes that your emotions are dependent on her validation.

Conversely, when a woman senses that your emotions are not dependent on her validation, an immense pressure is removed from the interaction. Through removing one’s filters and ceasing to seek approval, you will gain the trust and respect of most women. In general, women will more often be intrigued by your honesty than upset that you don’t share same exact opinions as them.

A woman likes a guy who is an asshole because he communicates honest signals. She can trust that he is not putting on some type of act, and that the man she is getting to know is actually who he says he is. The actions of a so called “nice guy” are often extremely dishonest. By pretending that you are not interested in a woman, and that you are only being nice, you are effectively lying to the woman. There is incongruence between your thoughts, words and actions. This incongruence shows the woman that although you like her, you lack self-confidence, crave her validation, and want an intact ego more than you want her. To be clear, the goal is not to become an asshole, but to learn to communicate your honest intent. The types of women for whom you actually need to become an asshole to attract are the same ones that you should probably avoid.

The final lesson presented in the Feynman story is that one should simply ask for what he wants, i.e. one should make their true intentions clear. In Feynman’s case, it was straight up asking a woman if she would have sex with him prior to paying for her drink. Feynman was astounded that such an action worked. Like Feynman, you too are probably wondering how being so blatant and crass can actually yield positive results. Again, we must consider what such a blatant statement sub-communicates to a woman. Such a statement undoubtedly depicts a man as showing honest intent, being unapologetic for his desires, and congruence between his thoughts, words and actions. These are all traits which women find highly attractive.

However, it is also of paramount importance to note the context in which Feynman employed this tactic. Feynman had already established attraction with these women, and asking if they would sleep with him was not so much of a request, but rather a retort to a woman implying that she could manipulate him into giving her what she wants. What most likely crossed these women’s minds was: “Wow, this guy just straight-up called me out. No one ever does that… He must be of high value and thus may be actually worth getting to know.” Straight up proposing such a transaction to a woman who neither has prior interest in you, nor has first tried to exploit you for a drink, will most likely just get you slapped.

The science behind attraction is an area that even a Nobel Prize winning physicist was clueless about before being schooled by an illiterate bartender. The information presented in this book will likely go against what you have previously been conditioned to believe. I recommend that you set aside preconceived notions when reading and applying the knowledge contained in the following chapters, just as I had to when I first applied the “Feynman principle” in Poland. A single chapter of a physicist’s memoir profusely changed my life. I hope the contents of this book will do the same for you.

Link to rest of book for those interested: http://www.amazon.com/Fundamentals-Female-Dynamics-Practical-Attracting/dp/0692655166/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1459436958&sr=1-2