A common goal guys have when getting into approaching is being able to approach any time the opportunity presents itself. They don’t necessarily want to hit a certain approach volume or be able to get a certain amount of lays per month or whatever other measurable goal. They just want to live their life and, if they happen to see a cute girl, be able to approach her, have a conversation, and have a decent chance of getting a number. Definitely a worthwhile (and achievable) goal. The problem arises with their conception of what’s required to get to that point.

Most guys will phrase it as “flipping a switch” or “turning it on”, aka they want to be able to go into seduction mode when they are just going about their day and aren’t necessarily in the mood to talk or be charming/charismatic etc. The assumption here is that the only way they can approach is if they are optimal, or as close to optimal as possible. Here’s an example of the thought process of the average guy:

Girls like guys who are charming

If I want to get girls, I need to be charming

If I’m not charming, girls won’t want me

So I can only approach girls when I feel charming

So then to do every approach, I need to be able to go into “charming mode” at a moment’s notice, or the girl won’t want me/the approach was wasted

(Side note, “charming” can be replaced with whatever other quality you’re hung up about)

This is the wrong way to look at it. You don’t need to be at your most confident, best dressed, most extroverted point to do an approach. Thinking that is a very subtle manifestation of fear of rejection. Your reasoning is that the closer towards perfect you are, the less likely you are to get rejected. And while this is true to a certain degree, the difference in results on a day where you feel and look average (or even below average) compared to feeling and looking amazing is not that big.

The key to being able to approach every single time you want to is not the ability to instantly become confident and social, it’s realizing that you can approach even when you don’t feel confident and social AND THAT’S OK! Seriously, it’s fine. And not only is it ok, your actual results will not be impacted nearly as much as you think (I’m talking about real world measurable metrics like how many numbers, dates, lays, etc you get, not how you FEEL during the process). There will never be optimal circumstances for anything in life, but you have to take the action anyway.

Many guys will rationalize their fear of rejection as them being a perfectionist, or them wanting to be efficient, or them having some emotional attachment to their conversion rates. But really what it is is them being scared of the slightly increased chance of rejection, and the perceived validity of the rejection (if a guy looks looks like shit that day and he gets rejected, its harder to rationalize it away as something other than the reality that they look like shit). So basically they are not only avoiding rejection, they are avoiding rejection for a reason that highlights something that is negative, or at least not as good as it could be, and that usually hits harder than a rejection that is up for interpretation.

The reality is that the majority of your efforts in approaching will result in some form of rejection, and most of those rejections will have nothing to do with you. You not feeling super social that day has nothing to do with:

her relationship status

her emotional state that day/week/month

if she’s attracted to you

if she likes your overall vibe in general

if she’s even open to meeting new guys

your own baseline social skills

how in-shape you are

your facial structure

your baseline sense of humor

your overall confidence

And a whole bunch of other shit. What I’m saying is that how you feel on any given day, or at any given moment, doesn’t have much to do with most of the things that actually determine what happens with an approach.

Girls are always looking for HIV (Honest Indicators of Value, yeah you got confused there for a sec, didn’t you). They are looking for what your ACTUAL value is underneath everything you do and say. Your baseline traits will always show through to the surface. If you are naturally kind of funny, that will usually come across even if you’re not at your best. If you are fairly confident, you’ll probably come across as confident even at your worst. If you’re in good shape, you’ll probably look decent no matter what you wear. Part of the reason guys think they can only approach when they are at their best is because they don’t have confidence that their good traits will be apparent when they aren’t actively displaying them, aka they don’t think who and what they are at a baseline is good enough.

The funny thing is that, by doing all this work to avoid a POTENTIAL rejection, you end up getting a GUARANTEED rejection instead. By not approaching at all, YOU ARE REJECTING YOURSELF! Forget not living up to the girl’s standard, you think you don’t even live up to your OWN standards for approaching. How fucking stupid is that? Guys reject themselves exponentially more than women reject them. They tell THEMSELVES they don’t look good enough, or aren’t in a good enough mood, or aren’t high-energy enough. And they don’t realize that THAT is a bigger problem than whatever reason they have for why the girl rejected them. If you don’t think you’re ever good enough, why should the girl think you’re good enough? It’s a manifestation of your lack of confidence in yourself.

Think about it. Out of all the times you saw a cute girl and wanted to approach and get her number, how many did you actually go up and attempt it and SHE rejected you, versus how many times you convinced yourself to just not do the approach? I guarantee it’s at least 10 to 1. This is why tolerance to rejection is so important. You are missing out on 90-99% of your chances to get a date just because you don’t want a girl to say no to you. Or see you stutter once. Or have a random “awkward” pause. Or have another person see you talking to her. Or have her look you up and down and decide you’re not good enough. Or whatever other dumbass excuse it is.

Like I said in my very first post, you are going to suck at first, and that’s ok. And not only that, but no matter how good you get, there are going to be individual times when you suck. Rejection is always going to be there. The situation will never be optimal. Negative reactions from girls never fully goes away. There will always be some girls who’s standards you just don’t meet. The guys who can approach and get dates consistently haven’t learned some super secret formula to eliminate these things, they have learned to approach and escalate DESPITE these things being present.

So here’s the TLDR. The secret to being able to approach every single time you want to is...to just do the approach every single time. Regardless of how good or bad the circumstances are. It’s not about being able to transform into Superman at a moment’s notice and feel no anxiety at all. It’s about just doing the thing, no matter how shitty or awkward you feel. Being shitty at something is the first step towards being mediocre at something, and being mediocre at something is the first step towards being great. Yes it will be hard. That’s why most guys won’t do it. But hopefully you don’t want to be most guys.