I feel like studying and practicing this stuff has turned me cynical somehow. I want to get back to that feeling of romantic wonder I had when I was younger.

There's so much negativity and frustration involved now. I think it probably has to do with desperation or neediness and I need to kill all of that but also it's about the mindset. I say that I think that because I feel that I'm already starting to change and I feel like I'm getting some of my old self back, but equipped with this new knowledge and these skills.

I'm going out later this week, starting to go to local concerts and it's got me really hopeful that I can just relax and eventually meet someone I like rather than grinding. I mean, of course I still need to put myself out there and put in the work to continue to level up, but on the other hand I feel like I really need to chill about the whole thing.

I think that's going to be easier to do when I'm actually out frequently. I think it was probably the apps that fucked up my brain the most, and the fact that daygame is actually pretty hard (at least for me) where I live. That made the whole thing unnatural and brought with it a lot of negativity.

You get what I'm saying? This probably makes no sense, but maybe it clicks with someone.