Just got off the subway where I was standing next to a girl I felt very attracted to. As we were standing next to each other I was both pretending not to seem bothered by her and subtly trying to make eye-contact. An inner conflict of on one hand wanting to engage with her and on the other hand trying to tell myself I did not want to engage with her.

I think it's a mechanism to protect my own 'ego'. How unevolutionized can the human brain be! How blind! Fucking self-sabotage. Yeah, I didn't get rejected, woohoo! Oh, wait she just got off the wagon and I'll probably never see her again. Oh, well, I tell myself, there's plenty of other fish in the sea, plus, she wasn't that hot in hindsight. At least I didn't make a fool out of myself in front of the other people standing next to us. Man, our brains are still designed for life in small groups where pretty much all people/semi-apes we interacted with belonged to your small tribe. In that context it actually makes a lot of sense to make such a big deal out of these things.

I also notice I kind of masochistically enjoy rejecting myself. It confirms my victimized self-image. I somehow deserve this. It also makes me feel in control of my fate, since I'm the one who decides, not the girl. Imagine she tells me she has a boyfriend. Now that would keep me red-faced.

I can conceptualize that all this is delusional self-sabotage and is a pseudo smart way of avoiding vulnerability. It's a way to keep myself safe, not realizing it's only encarcerating me deeper and deeper inside of my own mental prison.

Dear brain: you're too smart for yourself. If you only used your genius for other crafts, maybe you could save humanity from extinction or so.