So this is in Sydney:

I’m recently out of a breakup. Hasn’t even been a month yet. But I feel like I’ve processed all I can for now and allowing myself to process as normal but I just crave intimacy at this point. Basically I’m quite new to actually applying myself to this sort of thing.

So I went out tonight with a friend who was in town and she runs with a gay crowd so we went to a gay bar. It was pretty dead but it was a good place for me to sort of let my anxiety simmer and get into a social frame of mind. Eventually I convinced them to leave to go somewhere a bit more “diverse”, since I kind of had to remind myself why I was there in the first place.

Then we went to a gay club and it was a biggie—PACKED for a Wednesday night. Maybe it’s a gay thing. Anyways once in there my friend kind of introduced me and some gay homie I was shooting shit with 2 “candidates” (one for each of us respectively). I wasn’t feeling her but I was feeling her friend to an extent.

Anyways because I wasn’t really feeling her I sort of left to the bathroom to exit and ended up smoking a cone. When I came back I kind of just shot for the friend, who was very smily and receptive.

I’d say like a perfect 6 She was cute but very SMALL and had a REALLY high voice which I couldn’t not notice for some reason? Like it was almost childlike? But I knew she couldn’t control it and was mature and of age so I wanted to ignore it and give her a fair chance.

Then this drop dead gorgeous 10 comes right at us with her friend group ranting about some incident that happened on the dance floor. I didn’t notice the friend group. Only her. I swear to god it was like talking to a young Shelly Duvall.

We are getting CLOSE. She makes an excuse for me to touch her arm. And I’m touching it. But boy… inside… I was panicking. “This is really happening right now”. Then her friend joins us and she introduces me. Another 10. Emily ratajowski, a 1 for 1 copy. “I’M A MODEL” “WE’RE ALL MODELS”.

I look over to their friend group and Jesus Christ…

Turns out, these girls (and guys) were models who were travelling under the same agency. These models were trying to hook up. With me. It didn’t feel real.

Her friend and I get to chatting and she is getting really close and sort of letting me “take the lead”. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s that vibe when you know it’s up to you to escalate, and no one would blame you if you did, including her.

Meanwhile my brain was going “SERIOUSLY? YOU TOO? BUT WHAT ABOUT THAT OTHER GIRL? I FOUND HER CUTER AND SHES STILL HOT OFF OUR CONVO BUT THIS ONE IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU AND SHES GORGEOUS YOU SERIOUSLY CANNOT SCREW THIS UP. AH WHO AM I KIDDING THIS IS ALREADY SCREWED UP I SHOULD HAVE ESCALATED 2 MOONS AGO IN FACT I SHOULDNT EVEN BE TALKING TO YOU BECAUSE I SHOULF HAVE ESCALATED WITH YOUR FRIEND BEFORE YOU CAME UP TO US”

Anyways, I went to the bathroom. The anxiety was too much, and I just wanted it to be over by this point. In the bathroom I called my friend (not the one who came) so I can get her to psych me up so I can get back out there and seal the deal but it was 2am on a Wednesday so she was asleep (feel a bit ass for that but I know she’ll understand).

So I walk out, the models were gone. The 6 and her friend from earlier were still there and very receptive and flirty. no disrespect to them, but I was still kind of getting over the last pair of girls, so I just wasn’t feeling either of them.

At this point I was pretty sober so I went back to my apartment, happy that I cleaned it earlier that day in case of a potential woman coming over that night. And I have just been reflecting. I think the joint could have waited a TINY bit. But I’m kind of broke at the moment and everyone else was drunk so I kind of wanted a familiar buzz of my own. But yeah, it makes you too introspective, but that could have actually been a good thing a bit later in the night.

Also, this anxiety is annoying. But I really do need to keep trying until I can fight it and TAKE ACTION.

Anyway, hopefully this is interesting/insightful. Just happy to yap and all my friends are asleep but I’ve been perusing this sub recently for game advice so yeah !