It’s a little long cuz I explain a few things that I never have in a post like this to give a better picture. Thanks for bearing with me if you do. All perspectives are appreciated but I’d especially like to hear from guys who became successful with women while dealing with lifelong mental illness

Anyways covid is letting up and I’ve lost another year and tbh my life isn’t going that great. 27 yo, no job at the moment and only a little bit of working experience, no clear career path just ideas, living at home in SoCal where I’ll probably be living for a much longer time. I’m just being real and honest about my mental health and my life situation. I’ve just started to unpack things that have been plaguing me for years. Just to give a few for context, multiple types of obsessive compulsive disorder, avoidant personality disorder, severe social anxiety. Those are probably the big three.

The other two are somewhat straightforward but with ocd especially it can be hard to explain. I’ve spent so much time, actual concrete seconds thinking and obsessing over things that most people never give a moments notice to. And I’ll never get them back. Most sufferers myself included can easily and often feel a sense of dread just from realizing so vividly how much time is being wasted. And everything feels like you are behind and constantly being pushed back. Imagine that at the forefront of your consciousness and influencing your decisions. Unstoppable thinking that drags you down into the abyss is basically what it really is.

Is it wrong to think that this whole time I’ve been thinking about being a virgin, worrying about the label, that I should have just had sex in my early 20s to get it over with? I had many chances but fear overtook me every time. This was of course influenced by all the stuff I talked about earlier. I’m still a virgin to this day obviously and to an extent I blame ocd for that. Maybe if I did just have sex I could have moved on from this obsession after seeing what it’s like in reality... idk. I think I am more insecure about my life situation than I am about my “virginity” which is a bs concept anyways. I’ve had oral sex a bunch of times I’m just terrified of piv sex and horrified of becoming a dad. I feel like for most guys the horniness overtakes the anxiety and fear and they just have sex and I’m guessing the amazing feeling of it probably just makes you not care. But for me I never got to that point, my mind would never let me.

I just feel like such an idiot lately. I’m realizing looking back I could have easily had some girl come over to my parents house or went to hers and who would have not given a fuck about me being 22 in SoCal and living at home, even being jobless and focusing on school like I did. But I was so insecure about it I never had one experience in my university life. Never tried. I missed so much and the regret is hard not to obsess over.

Is it wrong that I would kind of like to have sex in my 20s before they are over forever? I’m sure many experienced people out there wouldn’t trade those experiences for the world. I’m somewhat attractive I think at least superficially cuz I get a lot of matches online. I’m also fit physically. But it’s like I’ve never had the balls to just make something happen in spite of my insecurities. I have another account where I post nudes and I’ll disclose I’m a virgin and people are shocked sometimes but you really never know what’s going on in someone’s head or what they’ve been through. You would never know I’m struggling internally, like the time for a whole year I irrationally thought I was going to prison and literally prepared myself for it. Never told a soul. On the outside people would describe me as a chill laid back introvert that’s very curious about everything. But inside it’s a never ending raging war of thoughts and doubt.

I’ve just been getting this feeling that the problem is me and my head. And that many other people, if they were in a similar situation they wouldn’t still be a virgin. They would have taken the chances I didn’t take and figured out a way to have sex. Cuz it’s sex. We’re literally just apes that want to bang. Idk why my mind didn’t work like everyone else’s does in that time. The truth is I feel like I was robbed of at least a few wins that maybe I could have reveled in and idk used to push me forward. I’ve heard that happens to some people, idk. I know this isn’t a healthy mindset but it’s what I obsess over. I’m not expecting sex to fix me but having it does seem to have an effect on one’s psyche and life and motivations. It’s just an unknown for me.

I guess I’m mostly asking what would you guys really do if you were me? What do you think about all this... I know it’s a lot

tl;dr 27 yo virgin, unemployed, lifelong battle with mental illness. Due to being behind from mental and social issues I feel like I’ll never have the life that is recommended for success. You know. Your own place, independence, career, all that stuff. At least not for a long long time, if ever. But I guess I’m lamenting at the fact of having to wait until my life is in order to have sex but that just doesn’t seem realistic for me and I don’t want to die a virgin. I explain a lot of what it’s like to be in my head and I’m wondering what you guys would do if you were me.

Edit: I put the conversation flair cuz I didn’t know what else to put