Overthinking

iHasABaseball · 2018-01-02T20:51:30+00:00

The choice isn't between overthinking and not giving any fucks. That's a false dichotomy. You should always give a fuck about finding a person who's good for you. The more important distinction you should make is trusting your intuition vs. trusting your anxiety.

If you're an analytical person, you're going to think a lot. You're going to calculate. You're going to consider the information in front of you, seek more, and try to reach the "best" conclusion. That's why you're so focused on where you want to end up. This personality is usually coupled with perfectionism, which makes it a pretty hefty mental weight in a relationship. Because relationships don't follow some step-by-step formula and they're sure as fuck never perfect. That mentality is exceptional for life in general -- school, work, hobbies, etc. It's not as exceptional for intimate relationships, but that doesn't mean you're doomed to failure or anything.

First step is to accept that's the way you think and there's nothing wrong with it. People think all sorts of ways and arrive at different conclusions when it comes to relationships. There's no particularly right way to do it; there's only a "this is working for both of us" way to do it. You think you're the first guy who has an analytical, anxious approach to relationships? You're not. (Hint: Google "anxious avoidant attachment style" and read up to see you're one of many, many people like this)

A couple things that help:

1) Think about anyone you know in your life who you would classify as an anxious person. What's their behavior? What do they say? How do they think?

You need to separate actions/thoughts that arise from your intuition from those that arise from your anxieties. Anxiety is simply this: uncertainty and worrying about future expectations. So any time you're with a girl or texting or anything, if you start to calculate your behavior based on "I want this to happen next" or "I want this to become a LTR," that's your anxiety doing the driving. Or "is she going to decline my approach/moves?" Or "are we going to fuck at the end of this date?" That's anxiety. That's worrying about the future or not meeting some arbitrary expectation you created in your mind. Fuck that noise. It's just distracting you from what's important. You need to trust your instincts...your intuition...your abilities to read the girl and be with her, 100% present in that moment.

2) You do this by practicing being present and mindful. This is a skill. Some people are naturally better at it, but anyone can learn it. It sounds cliche and ridiculous, but you should truly take up meditating regularly. Download the Headspace app and go through the intro course, or any number of other guided meditation apps. Google "grounding techniques" and mindfulness and look through some of those exercises, then start using them throughout your day as you feel your anxiety flare up.

You need to train your brain to understand that it's okay not to be firing off thoughts constantly. That it's just fine to sit in silence for 5 minutes without trying to crack the code of existence. You need to train it that it's okay to be more compassionate to yourself...to be positive about what you have to offer, to understand that you're a valuable human, and that being right here, right this second is the only thing that truly matters. Because the past and future only exist in the present, and their value is solely determined by how you think of them right now.

3) Don't over-complicate this shit. Take a few minutes to think about how you would answer this question for yourself: what would it look like for a girl to be interested in me?

Cause you're probably sitting there on dates wondering "is this chick into me? When are we gonna lock this down?" Even on the 2nd or 3rd or 4th date, your mind is still convincing you that this girl might not be attracted to you or into this relationship deal. Or even if you are convinced she's interested in you, you're wondering how you're going to move it along faster and taking that responsibility upon yourself. Right? That's anxiety talking. That's why the answer to that question is important.

Because if a girl is going on multiple dates with you and spending time alone with you, it means on some level she's interested in you. That's what it looks like to have a girl interested in you and you don't need to question that shit. So stop avoiding that conclusion and convincing yourself that she's just being friendly, or being nice, or manipulating you for food, or she's playing you along with 4 other dudes, or whatever other silly concoction the anxious mind creates. If you read reddit enough, you'll conclude that all women are out to manipulate and hurt guys. The truth of the matter is that, yes, there are asshole women just as there are asshole guys, but in general, people are courteous, respectful, and want companionship of some form. If they're going on dates with you and expressing interest, they're probably looking for some form of the same thing you are -- whether that's just a hookup, casual sex, FWB, LTR, etc. is another story. But plainly, it's unlikely they're spending a bunch of time alone with you just for the hell of it, or just for fun, or just to get free shit from you. Think about the absurdity of that for a minute.

So, consciously pull your anxious head out of your ass and be present on those dates with her too instead of drifting off into fantasy future-land where she "might not be into you," or you two are fucking or married or doing whatever else. Too much focus on outcomes and expectations is the root of anxiety. That's all you're doing. You need to be present with her. Feed off each other. Look her in the fucking eyes. LISTEN to what she's talking about -- not in a calculated way like you need to come up with the greatest response so she'll fuck you. Nope. Listen to her in a way that you would want to be listened to -- like someone who genuinely gives a fuck what you're saying and how it impacts your life and what opinions you have. Let the date flow. If you get to fuck, great. If not, maybe you get a kiss. If not, maybe you cuddle. If not, maybe it's just not meant to be cause there isn't that chemistry. Whatever the case, you just have to focus on the present moment instead of letting your uncertainty about the future do the driving.

Practice the mindfulness and the grounding techniques. The mindfulness is a means of pulling your default level of anxiety down; your brain will learn just as your lungs learn how to run a 5k the more you train. The grounding techniques are very subtle and can be done quickly on a date to bring you back the present moment when you start to drift off.

And lastly, if you're new to this stuff, try to find chicks who are more aggressive when it comes to intimacy, so you don't feel like all the weight is 100% on you. Once you've been with a couple of those girls and crossed some barriers, your confidence bumps up, your anxieties decrease, and you can start to have fun with this stuff.

SnapSocialGuru · 2018-01-02T17:57:26+00:00

Overthinking is a symptom of lack of confidence.

Lack of confidence in yourself and your decisions.

The first step is to have undeniable confidence. Start by doing this. This takes time to build up but it works.

Second, start seeing yourself as a "scientist". See every interaction from every possible angle. Test different approaches. But never beat yourself up over it. Over time, you'll have very sharp decision-making skills for every single social interaction you have. If you fuck up, it's okay, it was only a test. Next time you'll be better.

I used to overanalyze just like you. It goes away with more reference experiences and interactions. In time, you'll see that your deep analytical mindset is actually a gift. It gives you a competitive advantage that other guys don't have.

hunterpua · 2018-01-02T18:10:04+00:00

You're probably new to this. Game is like walking around the second floor of your house blindfolded. Sure there are areas where you're pretty safe because you can feel the walls but you aren't all too safe when you get to the stairs. The only way to know for sure where the edge is, is to step off of it. Hopefully you're holding on to something when you do that.

Seriously though, you don't really know what's appropriate and what's not until you try to see how far you can push things. I used to think shouting at a girl when you open was over the edge but then there'd be times where I open a girl and she doesn't hear me so I'd shout "Hey!" or "Yo!" and they would always stop and turn fully facing me with a big ass smile and give me the eyes. I was definitely mindfucked by that.

If you're new to this I wouldn't recommend doing anything crazy yet though. Get used to girls being happy when you talk to them. Otherwise you will accidentally teach yourself that whenever you approach a girl she will reject you. So go around complimenting girls and immediately walking away afterwards. Its insane how good this is, a girl re-opened me just because I did this. Girls like this because you're giving them something nice and showing that you clearly don't want anything in return. This also helps get you out of your head. You can do this as a warm up. Just compliment 5 girls and walk away. That should get you in the mood. Start talking to more girls and getting more numbers until you're comfortable. You have to be clear on what comfortable is for you. Like if you have a day where you approach 5 girls without hesitation then you're comfortable because as soon as you get to this point is when you need to start to make yourself uncomfortable again.

Trust me, I wasn't clear with my definition before so I kept putting off doing crazier things so my game stalled for a long time. I couldn't get past the first date. So you have to have a definition of what it is to be comfortable talking to girls that you can write down on a paper and don't make it too out of reach that you'll never achieve it. Once you get there you need to push the boundaries. Do things with the intent to get rejected. You will realize very quickly that this is harder than you think. I remember going up to a girl and doing the doggy style action in front of her, pretending to spank an invisible girl while thrusting my hips back & forth. She just laughed it off and asked me for my name. We went on an instant date 10 minutes later. The idea with this is to learn how far you can go like my doggy style story and also learn where the edge is by actually getting rejected for doing a crazy-ass thing.

You can try Alan Roger Currie's Mode One. Its insane how awesome it feels when you do this. This is how I sum the whole thing up: Just tell the girl exactly what you would tell your buddy after you see her walk by. So if your first thought is "Damn! I would bite on those legs all night long!" guess what you're gonna say. "Hey girl, your legs are so fucking nice I'd bite on them all night long."

You get rejected a shit ton but I also got laid a few times doing this so its definitely worth a try.

Stringdaddy27 · 2018-01-02T21:28:30+00:00

I was going to post a response because I have suffered similar in the past, but two of these guys basically already said what I would said (but probably way more elegantly than how I'd have put it). This sub is great. It's full of actual people who want to help others. If all subs could be like this, Reddit would be fantastic!

SlowCivicSi · 2018-01-03T01:52:40+00:00

I also would just like to clarify to anyone asking themselves, by saying the phrase "where I wanna end up" I did not mean having a one night stan.

Title	Overthinking
Author	SlowCivicSi
Upvotes	7
Comments	12
Date	January 2, 2018 5:00 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/7nnnto/overthinking/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/overthinking.1439408 https://theredarchive.com/post/1439408

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