Someone posted a question about oneitis, and I wrote a lengthy comment. But before I could finish, they deleted their post, so the comment had nowhere to go. I figured it could stand on its own as a post, so I will publish it here.

Oneitis happens to us all. Just today, I thought about a woman I dated recently. She was stunningly beautiful, athletic, spiritual, intelligent, and young: 33 with no kids, (22 years younger than me). I was even more surprised that she was attracted to me without me really playing any games. She was terribly shy and she seemed to have nobody that cared about her, she didn't even believe in herself. I could worship the ground she walked on. Oh no, I have oneitis!

I encouraged her to believe in herself, because I believed in her. I asked her what she wanted in life, and she told me; I said believed she could do that and more. I told her to shoot for the stars. But what I said was perhaps too effective. Just as we were starting to get together, she suddenly moved away to another city for a job.

Today, I thought about her, and I decided to look at her facebook page. Hey, she updated her profile photo, she looked more beautiful than ever. I clicked on the photo, and it popped up, a huge high rez professional image from a fashion photographer. She is more beautiful than I have ever seen her. I looked at the photographer's watermark, and visited her site. My friend is the featured model on the photographer's website. There is a whole shoot of high rez pics, she looks like she is on the pages of Vogue magazine. My shy friend is now a fashion model.

Seeing those pictures felt like a kick in the gut. I downloaded the pics, and that is all I can do: look, and think of what might have been. I haven't had any contact with her in 6 months. I will probably never see her again, and she will go off into an exciting world that I pushed her into seeking. I am happy for her. Really. But I still feel like I got kicked in the stomach.

I have to appreciate what we did for each other, not ruminate over what might have been. She reminded me that I could still attract a woman that would take my breath away, and astonished everyone who saw us together. And perhaps she thinks of me occasionally, grateful that I believed in her, and that I supported her in taking a leap of faith, to believe in herself. For a short time, we played a part in each others' lives, preparing each other for what we were to become. We are both the better for it. That is a beautiful thing. But I would selfishly discard all that value we created for each other, just to hold her in my arms once more, and kiss her.

But ultimately it comes down to the same old oneitis problem. I am projecting my own needs and desires onto a person that I barely know. In my mind, she has become what I need her to be. She is not that person. I did not have the chance to find out enough about her to make that kind of connection. What connection we did have, left us both wanting more. But we did not have time to develop it beyond the superficial. There are millions of women out there that I actually could develop a greater connection with, women that are available and not living hundreds of miles away. It may in fact be true that any woman I meet is not half the woman my beautiful friend is, but any woman could give me a thousand times more than my fantasy of what could have been. So there is no sense in pining away for that fantasy woman, it will only prevent me from finding that real woman with a real connection. And even if my beautiful friend returns to me someday, I cannot compare her to the images of her that I have built up my mind. We have both become different people. We have a prior connection, but we would have to start again. And I would have to wipe the stars from my eyes.