A crummy day, for various reasons.

I felt like shit tonight—very insecure and hopeless—but I went to a club because it’s Saturday and I need the practice.

There’s not much to report, however. Made one true approach, and it was awful:

A hot girl with moderately pretty friends, and two ugly guy friends. A while earlier a guy walked up to her—not bad looking, but not great either. He told her some sort of a joke, and she laughed. Then he asked her to come with him somewhere. I recognized the technique. On their way past, I heard her ask him “where are you from?”

Well, five minutes later she returned to her group without the guy. If they’d arranged something, possibly, she didn’t need anyone else horning in afterwards…but if it had gone badly, she may be unreceptive as a result…

She looked at me, and I thought it meant something. Who knows what it really meant! I walked over in dread, knowing that my inner game was at rock bottom. I smiled and asked her how everyone in the group knew each other. “Friends.” “I’m Josh. What’s your name?” “Alexa.”

That was the extent of the interaction. She turned to her friend to discuss something unrelated, making no attempt to include me. I stood there like the idiot I was, wondering what the initial glance was for. The fat male friend returned, and forced his way to the front, effectively blocking me out of the conversation. I had been rejected but I didn’t know why. Maybe they knew I’d been keeping an eye on them and trying to figure out the girl’s availability.

I was complimented a few times by men, who were impressed by my sense of fashion. Two young guys wanted to have pictures taken with me, another shook my hand and said “you look good—that’s a great suit.” I get this a lot for some reason, bouncers often comment encouragingly, and girls call my wardrobe “snazzy” “fancy” and “dapper.”

I went to a different club, called Aquarium. I don’t like the logistics, because I prefer to stand on the edge of a large room and scope everyone out as anonymously as possible. I need time to psych myself into approaches. But Aquarium is small, with tight corners, and packed with dancing people wall to wall. You must act much more quickly than my newbie capabilities allow, and approach with a partying attitude that I doubt I’ll ever master.

I am relegated to being the creepy guy with no friends, who knows he’s ten years older than most of the women inside…standing around alone, looking, but never speaking or engaging with anyone for any reason. I feel marked as a loser within five minutes of entering.

I only go because there are so many hot girls, more than any other bar I’ve visited.

Today, I myself was approached by one such beautiful girl! Where do you work, she asked. She said she had some advice for me. Do I have a card? I didn’t understand her motives, but we were standing damn close—I could practically taste the gum she’d been chewing. So I pulled out a business card and handed it to her. “I don’t have advice for you. I was going to tell you to get a card.”

She told me she’s visiting from Louisiana. I think she also asked where I was from. We were right up against each other, shouting into each other’s ears. She touched my arms, I tried to reciprocate but was clumsy. She asked me about the film I’m making, I talked a little about it. I asked for her name, which was the name of the character in my movie. I don’t know if she believed me when I told her. By this point I’m sure I was completely awkward. I told her my name is Josh, and she got excited. “You mean like Drake and Josh?” I didn’t know what that was. She was horrified. “How old are you?” “30” I blurted out without thinking. The bar skews much younger than that. She went on about the show, and the various episodes. I tried to go along with it. I started to make a more aggressive move, caressing her arms, but she pulled away. “Call me when you’ve seen Drake and Josh!” “Give me your number and I will!” No verbal response. She just hugged me, pressing her cheek against mine, and walked away.

So, I assume I failed an age test, as well as a sexual escalation and overall cool test. I suppose she approached me in the first place because she liked me, though…? If so, that’s the second female approach I’ve botched in two months.

I stayed until closing, and saw numerous makeout sessions at the bar. I wanted to kill myself right there. I would never be one of those guys! Still, I had a few minutes. It wasn’t clear whom I should approach because there were so many mixed groups. I ended up feeling extremely creepy watching everyone.

On the street, I looked around desperately for a makeout partner, thinking I may have accidentally thrown one away. One beautiful blonde from earlier showed up out of nowhere. I had thought she had a boyfriend, but now she was immediately gamed by three guys on behalf of their most handsome friend. They surrounded her and got a number out of her, at least.

One brunette interested me, but she was attached to several black female friends who were apparently trying to protect her. Two dufus guys nearly started a brawl over the girl I liked, apparently agitated by those friends. I thought it was likely beyond hopeless, but…could I somehow intercede and thereby find a way to impress the brunette? No.

One of the black ladies began shouting “who is this nigger? He’s been following us for 25 minutes!” And she shoved me in the back, which was my prompt to flee.

So I’m not feeling like I’ll ever be successful as a sexual being.