I’ve spent the past few days getting started after years of shyness and self-defeat.

On Saturday, I went to the mall. I spent hours walking around, but couldn’t bring myself to break the ice with anyone. It was especially intimidating because they were usually in groups. I came close a few times, but hesitated too much, and usually had only a split second window. So, I went home disappointed.

On Sunday, I went to the park, and walked around for hours without approaching. I came really close a few times, but hesitated my way out of it. Often I had only a second to react, as someone went jogging past. So, I went home disappointed.

Today I hadn’t intended to try anything, but had to go to the grocery store. There were lots of girls shopping, and I kept scoping them out but hesitating too much. Then, finally I had a moment of accidental eye contact with a girl. She was wearing a mask. I told her “you have really pretty eyes.” She said “thank you” in a very friendly way, but kept walking.

I was on a high, though. I wanted to try again. It was still difficult, and I blew a few more opportunities. But I did manage to approach a second time. “You have really pretty hair.” Same thing happened, she said “thank you, it’s nice to meet you” sweetly but then immediately turned away and kept walking. I was proud of my effort.

Now, I was wearing my mask today in the store. I hadn’t been wearing it at the park or the mall— I wasn’t even planning on approaching today. I’m still in the crazy mindset of “what if they think I’m ugly…is that why I got rejected?” But I think I accidentally hit upon a good strategy. I can’t blame my looks for my failure, yet, and wouldn’t really expect a lot of success with a mask on anyway. But maybe I can inoculate myself against approach anxiety, so that if I get used to enough masked approaches it won’t seem so bad without one.

My questions for the short term—

Was I right in assuming that they were rejecting me by saying “thank you” but walking away? What, if anything, could I have said or done?

How can I get my reaction time up? Because it seems like often there’s only a second to say something, and a lot of the time I can’t think of anything that makes sense in context. More often I just hesitate.

Related to that, am I right that I’ve pretty much “burned” my chance with a girl after she’s seen me, and seen that I saw her? After a while of hesitating, I always guessed/felt like they probably thought I was weak/creepy for looking but not speaking yet/or just not interested. Running into a girl enough times without trying seemed like I was disqualifying myself.

That’s all I’ll ask for now.