In the short time I've been reading this subreddit and a few of the books that are consistently mentioned here, I've reached a new level of self-analysis and self-awareness. Surprisingly (or maybe not so surprisingly) what I've learned about my strengths, weaknesses, hopes, and desires has very little to do with women and has more to do with me. It seems so obvious but I'm sure many people here can relate to placing unnecessary emphasis on the successes and failures of their relationships with both men and women (something external) and little or no emphasis on the actual causes of those success and failures (something internal).

I think I'm a pretty well rounded guy. I live in New York, have a good job, have friends, have had long term relationships, one night stands, and everything in between. There has never been anything overtly lacking or wrong, but at the same time there has always been a subtle, overarching feeling of discontent. I used to rationalize this by comparing myself to other men. I have friends who haven't had a girlfriend in 5 years and friends who are with a new girl every week. I would tell myself, "I'm more successful with the ladies than Guy-A and I honestly don't want a different girl in my bed every night like Guy-B. I'm satisfied with my experiences and my abilities. I don't need to change anything." That's the exact opposite of the way I should have been thinking.

I realized that subtle feeling of discontent wasn't because of the quantity of my relationships. It was because of the quality. Am I able to make friends, take a woman home from a bar, find a girlfriend if I so desired? Yes. Are they the kinds of friends, women, and girlfriends I really want? Not enough of them are. I feel attractive, funny, happy, and successful when I'm with quality people. I lack confidence and feel generally bad about myself when I'm with people I'm not compatible with. Coincidence? No. This is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you feel confident and attractive you're going to attract confident and attractive people. If you feel like shit, its not so much that you attract sub-par people, its that you're like a rudderless boat - just floating around and taking what ever happens to come your way. You're not grabbing the bull by the horns and creating your own reality.

So how does one do that? This is where that self-analysis comes in. Several things stuck out to me in "No More Mr. Nice Guy" Robert Glover. I don't believe I'm the typical "nice guy" he talks about in the book. However, there are certain traits I value in myself and in others that directly contribute to be perceived as a "nice guy" especially in the context of dating and picking up women.

I value: - Humility - Generosity - Kindness - Brevity (in terms of speaking. one of my favorite quotes is, "Those who know, do not speak. Those who speak, do not know.)

I think you see where I'm going with this. What I've realized that while I'm not at all shy or by any means an introvert, because I value these qualities so much I can sometimes be too humble. Too kind. Too quiet. Too accommodating. This is what I need to correct.

Here is an example. Earlier in the year I was at a birthday party. One of the girls attending the party sat next to me and we chatted. At one point she looked me right in the eye and said, "You are just extremely attractive." I had no idea what the fuck to do or say. I was just shocked because it was so direct. I didn't think of myself as being attractive at the time. I wasn't used to the attention. I wanted to be humble. I laughed and said, "no, I'm really not" and changed the subject. If this happened now I might say, "Didn't you tell me that earlier? No wait that was another girl." The problem is while I know this response is a thousand times better than saying nothing or deflecting the compliment, I feel like I'm unable to gauge how appropriate these kinds of responses are. Even if the execution is perfect, internally it still feels forced. I don't want to come off as being a cocky douche bag. I can tease and flirt with a girl, make fun of her no problem. But when the focus shifts to me I tend to go overboard with self-deprecating jokes. I feel like this is the main thing I need to correct.

I guess at this point the challenge seems to be developing a consistent, all around, natural confidence. The kind of confidence where you can value the qualities I listed above while still being able to talk about and think highly of yourself in a way that is not scripted or forced.