When you pay women attention, your attention should be reward for things she has done for you, not a manipulative ploy to get something from her. The meaning underlying your interactions with women should be “thanks” rather than “please” or “I want.”

Women can sense the motivation behind your actions, and if they sense that you are giving them stuff because you want something in return, they lose attraction. And if you are doing something for them that they did nothing to deserve, their subconscious (and probably conscious) minds will assume you want something in return. When women say they want a “nice” guy, they mean they want a man who will do things for them when they deserve it, not a man who will do things for them to get stuff from them.

The distinction between “thanks” and “please” is often very subtle and nuanced. The same words spoken to the same person can be either “thanks” or “please” depending on the speaker’s tone of voice, body language, the context of the interaction, and the parties’ history together. Sometimes you begin in “thanks” mode but accidentally shift into “please,” at which point she loses attraction. It is hard for me to put into words what makes words or actions “please” or “thanks” – it is more a feeling. When you say thanks your subconscious will feel powerful and alpha – when you say please you will feel weak, needy, and beta. Ask yourself this: if an independent, neutral observer saw this interaction would they think “that guy is thanking the woman for something she already did and could walk away right now” or would they think “that guy is trying to get something from that woman by doing things for her and will hang around until he gets it”?

I honestly believe that the distinction between please and thanks is the most important thing you can learn about interacting with women. It completely re-frames the interaction, takes pressure off of her, makes her feel valued, and puts you in the power position. Once you implement it you will notice a huge improvement in how women respond to you.

It is impossible for any man to say “thanks” rather than “please” all the time because nobody is perfect and all men are wanty to some degree. After all, we have dicks and evolved to impregnate as many women as possible. But you can’t let your mistakes slow you down or obsess over how you may have made a mistake or two – learning to interact with women is like lifting weights – you start off weak and you slowly strengthen through practice.

How to Say Thanks

Learning to say thanks instead of please will be very difficult for most guys because most guys are so used to feeling and acting wanty. You will need to do a lot of practice and learn how to say no to your emotions.

First, don’t be shy with compliments. If a woman has genuinely done something impressive or cool, don’t be afraid to tell her. In fact, I advise beginners to start by complimenting everybody who deserves it: hot women, ugly women, trans women, men, potted plants, etc… (I have actually met women more than once by complimenting the guy in their group). Remember, because you are not giving something they don’t deserve, you are not being creepy so you are not doing anything wrong. As I said earlier, if they don’t reciprocate your compliment, you should leave them alone, but you should start with the assumption that everybody wants your compliments and the chance to contribute to and join your emotional experience. Also, compliment people as soon as you see them – my version of the three second rule is that if somebody deserves to be in your emotional experience there is no reason for you to wait to give them the invitation.

Second, you should approach women with intensity, energy, joy, and enthusiasm, as if she was the most interesting thing in the world in that moment (but just for that moment). Remember – the alpha male has the ultimate emotional experience, so he would only ever introduce the most fun things and people into his thoughts and emotions. Stand square in front of her, shoulder to shoulder, look into her eyes, and speak to her as if you are entitled to speak to her. Never pay attention to a woman who is not giving you her full attention. In fact, very time a woman does something impressive, show her appreciation with intensity and enthusiasm.

Most men do not approach women with enough intensity and confidence. They approach anxiously, timidly, from the side (or worse, from behind), and lose their nerve mid-interaction. This is unattractive for a variety of reasons: 1) a lack of enthusiasm you were not that impressed by her contribution so the woman subconsciously does not feel accepted, 2) a lack of confidence in pursuing her indicates an inability on your part to pursue anything necessary for a fun emotional experience, and 3) when a woman senses a man is acting anxiously she subconsciously assumes that he is doing something wrong because anxiety is caused when our subconscious mind is looking for a better path.

Think of women as being surrounded by an insecurity shell – you must bust through that shell with enough confidence and enthusiasm to make her feel like you are actually interested in talking to her. Contrary to what most guys think, women are also insecure and anxious, and they need you to convince them that it is actually ok to get comfortable and express themselves to you. Your goal is to get to this point as quickly as possible, because a woman surrounded by a shell is prone to leave at any time. Women get tons of fake and backhanded compliments, so they want to know that your interest is genuine, strong, and not some bullshit thing you just said to fuck her. At the same time, your enthusiasm must be authentic and normal, do don’t like some weirdo or wacky clown.

After you bust through her insecurity shell, you should emotionally (and sometimes physically) “take a step back” and give her the floor to impress you and validate herself to you. You should be calm, relaxed, and speak in an inquisitive manner, as if to say “you seem like you might be interesting, but I am not completely convinced yet.” The theme of your interaction should be “the guy’s emotional experience rocks, and the girl is trying to impress him so she can join his emotional experience.” Remember – you initially approached her because she did something minor to contribute to your emotional experience, and if she wants any more attention she needs to work for it. You approaching a woman is giving her permission to audition for your attention – but she still needs to audition.

This is a radical shift – you quickly go from an enthusiastic pursuer on your approach to a critical interviewer sizing her up for an important position during the conversation. It also sounds weird and counterintuitive that even though you approached her, she must work to impress you. But at this point we are not living in the world of rationality – we are living in the world of emotion, and if you take the emotional posture of “you need to prove yourself” she may buy into your frame and start trying to validate herself. These subtle shifts in the emotional power dynamic are very hard for your rational mind to detect and understand, but to your subconscious mind they are like a loud siren, which is why women sometimes abruptly lose or gain interest based on one small thing you do. You will not need to walk on eggshells like this for the entirety of your relationship because eventually the woman will become deeply emotionally invested in you. But at the very beginning you need to master this subtle dance.

Women like attention and compliments, but every time a random guy approaches them they fear he will be a wanty psycho who will not leave them alone for the rest of the night, or maybe ever. After the initial enthusiastic approach, if you relax your body and start acting normally, like you would around a friend or family member, she will think “oh this is just a normal guy, I don’t have anything to be afraid of.” She will also hopefully subconsciously think “that guy was excited for a second, but if I don’t do anything to keep this attention, he will move on and get excited by something else.”

At this point, you start “gaming.” The “game” is this: you should calibrate your interest and enthusiasm based on how much she is contributing to the interaction. If she acts very enthusiastic and interested, or meaningfully contributes to your emotional experience, you can turn up the volume on your interest and enthusiasm. If she withdraws interest and stops doing things for you, you withdraw by acting more subdued and less enthusiastic. At each stage in the interaction, you should express slightly less interest and enthusiasm than her. Not too much less – you don’t want her to think you are ignoring her or rejecting her – but definitely less. She should feel like she is just barely holding your interest, and there is a chance you might get distracted by something better and wander off. This is a very subtle dance, but it touches the very deepest parts of her being.

At the same time, you should not be passive and wait for her to impress you. You should be leading the interaction/conversation and finding ways for her to contribute. Remember – most women you approach have not emotionally invested in you yet so they have no reason to do anything for you until she realizes your emotional experience is fun. You should think yourself as the CEO of the interaction and her as the employee – your job is to find tasks that best utilize her talents and create the best end result. You do this by controlling the flow of the conversation, choosing the subject, and changing the subject when it is getting boring. If she says something like “I like to cook” you can say “oh tell me what your best recipe is” – you have subconsciously “tricked” into giving you a cooking lesson, which will make her emotionally invest in you. If she says “I did magic mushrooms once” you can ask “what is the most important spiritual lesson you learned on mushrooms.” As you can see, you need to be creative to make the interaction interesting.

Sometimes just talking about herself is enough to contribute to your emotional experience – but you need to make it interesting. Most women think they are boring because no man has ever gamed them well enough to draw out whatever is interesting about them – in most conversations, women talk about some stupid, boring horseshit, men pretend to care, and everybody is miserable. But everybody has had some kind of interesting or worthwhile experience to talk about and if you can find about her you will have more fun and she will be more attracted to you. You can also ask questions like “what is the craziest thing you believe in?” or “what is your favorite conspiracy theory” or “what superpower would you choose” or “what would you do if you had a billion dollars,” “why do you think women are attracted to serial killers,” etc… These questions are fun because the hotter the girl, the crazier the shit she believes, and the more she wants to talk about it. You would be amazed at how many hot girls believe that the government already cured cancer but is hiding the cure to make money. My ex-girlfriend told me that she first wanted to fuck me after I asked “what is the craziest thing you believe” because “you were the only man that ever wanted to know about my deepest soul.” By the way, she believed that the ghost of her great-grandmother was haunting her and she never sucked my dick.

Finally – and this is the hard part – the moment the woman stops contributing to your emotional experience, you should shift your attention elsewhere. If she starts being boring, mean, disrespectful, demanding, or unpleasant in any way, you must be like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. – if she is contributing you are loving, warm, and enthusiastic, but if she stops contributing you become cold and move on. Most men cannot change demeanors this quickly – they either play it cool for too long and look uninterested or they stay intense too long and long needy, aggressive, and creepy.

When cutting a woman loose, you should not do it in a butthurt or mean way. The woman should not feel like you are “punishing” her, but rather that something better (more interesting, fun, hotter, etc…) caught your eye. I spent one summer at the beach where I partied every night and met and banged lots of women whom I completely forgot and could not even recognize. Surprisingly, when I ran into these women and they realized that I genuinely had forgotten who they were, they were not mad at me and were often willing to fuck me again. I realized that, to a woman, being forgotten is actually much better than being rejected because rejection means that the tribe is actively excluding you and you need to find a different tribe, whereas being forgotten or ignored means simply that the tribe moved onto something better and you can probably rejoin if you run to catch up. Now, I am not saying you should purposely ignore women – that whole point is that you don’t “purposely” have any emotions or thoughts towards them at all – you just found something better.

Finally, you should pay women attention based on their actions, not their words. Contributions to your emotional experience are measured in objective and not subjective terms. If a woman shows up to a date with you and calls you a little dick faggot, she is contributing more to your emotional experience than a woman who tells you over text that she is in love with you but will never actually make time to meet. Part of the reason people say “assume attraction” is that if the woman is taking time out of her valuable day to speak to you, go on a date with you, or spray whip cream on your balls, she is contributing to your emotional experience, which means she is emotionally investing in you. The only question about whether you should leave or not is: is she contributing to your emotional experience and are you having fun? I can have a lot of fun with a woman who calls me a little dick faggot, but if she becomes blatantly disrespectful and not fun to hang out with, I just get up and leave the date.

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