I realised today that I’ve been assuming that all my interactions with women will go badly.

It’s a bit of a shock, but I think a door may have opened to some healing.

Here’s what happened:

I was out shopping for a suit with a good mate of mine to get a second opinion on colour (and being real, he was there for moral support because shopping for clothes bums me out). I’ve gained a lot of weight, and as we all know, pretty clothes are harder to get as a fat cunt.

In the first store we got served by an older woman. No luck on finding a suit. I turned to my mate and said “man, I feel fucking invisible at this weight. No one in retail wants to help you.”

He looks at me, not really understanding and says “I dunno man, she was helpful. We just didn’t find anything”

We go to the second store. I see this extremely hot girl. My immediate assumption is she wants nothing to do with me and won’t be interested in me if I talk to her - but she’s actually really helpful. Again, no luck finding my size, but she went out of her way to look and recommended a jacket that had just come in. My friend and I had a small chat with her after. We were taking bets on where she was from and I got it right. She was really warm and friendly.

It left me wondering, why is it that I assume that women - hell, people - aren’t going to want anything to do with me because I’m fat?

Why do I assume that all hot women won’t want to sleep with me? Hell, why do I assume they don’t want to talk to me?

I’m charming. I’m funny as fuck. I’m well educated and I have a job that I love. I have some passions and I have opinions. I’ve slept with more women than any other guy I know.

The only thing that’s changed is my weight and a few years of personal pain.

What I’m slowly realising is that I think other people will reject me because I don’t really respect myself at this weight.

There’s a whole bunch of legit health reasons why I am the size I am now. Chronic fatigue, low testosterone, iron deficiency - all those things create an insane amount of fatigue which I try to solve with food.

I also just eat to much because I find solace in food. I’ll admit it.

Luckily, the majority of those health reasons have resolved, and now I can actually lose the weight.

I just have to eat less, and that’s what I’m having trouble with.

But it really hit me, it’s not that women don’t want to talk to me - it’s that I believe they don’t want to talk to me. I then interact with them like I expect them to be cold or bitchy, and get disinterested responses.

The problems lads, is me.

I want is to start working on the baseline of how I see myself. I think that may actually help me stick to trying to lose weight, as well as meeting women. I’m not really sure how to do that. But I thought I’d table it with you all and see what you think

Oh and in the end, I did find a suit. It looks great. I’ll be getting it fitted in a day or two.

Edit: of course there’ll be some women who won’t like at this size. No dramas, they aren’t the right ones anyway. But I can’t find the right ones if I think they all think I’m the wrong one