I originally wrote this a few years ago right before I started to withdraw from the community. Thought you all might find it useful.

You've all been there.

You are in set, you've got the girl talking to you, laughing, giving IOI's.

It feels good.

You know that you need to move the interaction forward.

"Should I make out with her?"

"Should I go caveman?"

"Is this the right time?"

and then...

"No... making out is too bold or holding hands is too bold... shows too much interest... I'll thumb war her instead"

"Not right here... I'll have us lock arms and walk to the other side of the room"

"No... I'll talk to her for a little longer"

This, my fellow social rockstars, is scraping by.

Here are some facts about scraping by:

  • It's the leading cause of flakes.
  • It will deceive you into believing you are doing well, even though you aren't.
  • It will stunt the growth of any romantic relationship
  • In it's acute stages, it will freak girls out.
  • It has also been linked to cancer.
  • And worst of all, it causes you to waste countless time and opportunity.

So... what exactly is scraping by?

Scraping by is when you are interacting with a girl, she is talking with you and things are going well, and instead of making the moves you should be making - i.e. Stuff that makes the sexual nature of the interaction explicit - you do the least risky thing possible to move the interaction forward.

Quite simply, it's avoiding anything that makes it too obvious that you want a sexual relationship.

This means that instead of holding hands with her, you play a thumb war.

Instead of telling her she is sexy, you tell her she is fun.

Instead of telling her you want to hang out with her, you say that maybe she should meet up with you and your friends.

Instead of making out with her, you ask for a kiss on the cheek.

Instead of being direct at the right time, you go as indirect as you possibly can.

Instead of asking for her number, you ask for her email.

Instead of bouncing to another venue, you stay at the one you are at.

Instead of taking steps to have her come home with you, you eject and leave.

Among many other things.

This is a deadly disease that will spread and poison any interaction.

So... why do people scrape by so often?

Well, in psychological terms, this is what we call and Ego Defense mechanism.

It's complicated by the fact that everyone here knows that not escalating at all isn't getting anywhere.

So, while the girl is laughing and loving you... and that good feeling of validation is pumping through your body... there is this little voice in the back of your head telling you to escalate the interaction.

"Escalate the interaction!" Logic explains, "You know she is into you, all of the signs are there, just do it!"

Suddenly, there is an ominous presence in the room. It's Ego, and he is concerned.

"But... if you escalate the interaction... she might not accept it... and she might stop talking to you... and I might get rejected and lose this validation," Ego explains

"That's true. But we can't do nothing. If I don't make some progress, you won't feel good either." Logic argues, "We both know that if we walk away from this interaction without some kino or a number, you won't feel good about yourself because there was nothing to prove to yourself that she liked us."

Ego thinks for a moment, and then lights up with a glee and says

"I have an idea! How about if instead of doing something that will cause her to realize that we are romantically interested... or force her to make the choice... we do something that kind of moves the interaction forward, doesn't put anything on the line, but still let's us feel like we are making progress?"

"Brilliant!" says Logic, knowing in the back of his head that he should probably stand up for himself a little more.

So... what happened?

Instead of making a bold move, that the girl probably would have been fine with... Ego struck fear into Logic that it might be rejected... and offered a compromise.

You will do something that the girl accepting could mean she likes you, thus satiating Logic's drive to make a move.

But, in order to quell Ego's fears, it won't be anything too explicit or risky.

In essence, you will scrape by.

So, what is the problem? Why should I make bold moves instead of scraping by, which always gets me the number?

I'll break it down in two different ways.

1)

Small risks have small rewards.

Big risks have big rewards.

The actions that create the greatest attraction and drive for a girl to continue to invest in you (i.e. phone calls, day 2's, sex, etc) are also the actions that are the riskiest and most likely to get you rejected.

However, in order for any relationship to blossom, those actions HAVE to be taken sooner or later... and the longer you wait, the girl will actually lose attraction for you and be less motivated to invest.

It boils down to everyone doing everything they can to prolong the girls decision about whether or not she is interested in you.

Doing something that has a big reward is also going to force her to make a decision as to whether she likes you like that or not.

This counter intuitive though. If you don't force the decision, then you will waste time either way.

If she does like you, you could be building intimacy and enjoying each other, but instead you are just... ugh... scraping by.

If she doesn't like you in a sexual way, she isn't going to start. So, instead of moving onto a girl with a clean slate, you continue wasting time on a relationship that will never come to fruition.

Fuck your ego. If you listened to it, you wouldn't have even approached this girl... why start now. Make bold moves. You will thank yourself.

2)

This has more to do with dates and Day 2's.

If you continue trying to scrape by when setting up a date... a la "We are going to x... you should meet up with us" or "I'm gonna go see a x movie... you should tag along,"... you are rarely going to get girls who accept.

Why?

Think back to someone inviting you to something like that. Did you feel that it was important to them that you come?

Probably not.

And if you don't feel like they value your presence, do you really want to accept the invitation?

Probably not.

So... what's the solution?

I've already said this in another thread, but you go as direct as possible and make it clear that it's important to you to spend time with them. Not coincidentally, the following shows your romantic intentions a lot more than the examples written above.

I do this by using the word "Want."

I want to hang out with you tonight.

I want you to be my date to this party.

I want you to come hang out at the pool with me tomorrow.

Etc.

If you Scraped By, however, this language will make your intentions more clear, and if she wasn't attracted, she will say no.

So, in conclusion.

Stop Scraping By!

If the girl is not absolutely and completely clear when you walk away that you and her are sexually interested in each other, then you scraped by.

Make the bold moves. Go for the makeout. Tell the girl you think she is sexy. Tell her she is coming home with you. Bounce to other venues.

Basically, any time you think about doing something, and your ego tells you not to... say FUCK YOU and do it!

Embraced, Rejected... Either way you will feel so much better about yourself. And your success rate will skyrocket.

-Pulse