Like many of the people on seddit (I presume), I didn't do very well with women in high school or really after high school for a couple years. I had so many crushes that I never did anything about. As I'm sure many of you experienced, that is a quiet hidden suffering.

I'm 25 now, and got a lot better at approaching women over the last 2-4 years, mainly do to lots of practice and lots of failures.

But now, instead of timidity and inaction being my problem, I feel I'm being too aggressive and forward with women. One girl told me that I seemed like a player (not in a good way), another asked "Are all American guys like this?" (she was implying I was really really forward).

It's a strange problem to have, I learned to push through any hesitation, that was a good thing. But now, I feel I need to learn how to play it cool, and not come on so strong. I feel I have something to learn from dancers, especially tango dancers. I haven't danced that dance, but what I can tell, there' s a buildup, a push pull, a drama...it's not just full on push hard, it's finessed.

So basically I overcompensated from my earlier mistakes, and I'm making new mistakes.

I also did this for a while with "being alpha" ie showing confidence. I was trying so hard to show confidence and be cocky funny, that I just came off as aggressive. Authentic confidence comes off with ease, even occasional self-disparaging.

Tl Dr; Approaching really hard and aggressive as a way to combat approach anxiety is not always the best solution. You also need to be chill and finessed.

edit: went out the night after I wrote this (last night-saturday), and ended up going home with a cutie.