I've done the self help junkie thing. Daily yoga, daily meditation, paleo diet for months, quitting my addictions, saying no to jobs that are a lie. But this incredible overwhelming anxiety that started a long time ago sticks to me like glue and robs me of all clarity. I feel as though I have no idea who I am or what I authentically enjoy, because extreme doubt and this feeling of "this isn't right" derails decisions big and small. I feel profoundly, psychotically lonely, lost, and without identity or purpose. I've taken countless workshops and tried countless practices. Ironically many of these wind up telling you to just let go, which paradoxically, is something you are trying to do in order to fix yourself. I can't totally let go because I really do hate my life and myself for the directionlessness and lack of enjoyment about which I feel responsible and guilty, and this pursuit of total surrender instead leaves me spending my days indecisive and anxious bc I feel there's something I need to do. I am terrified of antidepressants being yet another step off the path of my authentic happiness. I need serious help and an hour of talk therapy per week and a bunch of self discipline isn't doing it for me. I seriously struggle to name anything I enjoy because anxiety robs me of all enjoyment in the moment. I am ashamed of and hate my high tech career, but have no better proposal. Where to go from here?