"You're a nice guy but...

ytho4 · 2018-05-06T19:57:28+00:00

"You're a nice guy but...5 points•7 comments•submitted 5 years ago by [deleted] to r/dating_adviceI...

5 points•7 comments•submitted 5 years ago by [deleted] to r/dating_advice

I only see you as a friend."

Within the last half year or so, I've went on about 13-15 tinder/lovoo dates and so far, nothing came from it.

Some ended after the first date, others to about 5 and one almost ended in a relationship but after a great valentines day she became really distant and I later found out that she somehow got "scared" of the whole thing. Most ended with some variation of "You're a nice guy but I only see you as a friend."

I've talked with some friends about it and they thought it was bad luck but I'm not sure.

The problem is that I'm close to 22, virgin and never had a relationship.

I used to be very fat from about age 10 - 18 which made me really shy and basically ignore my interest for girls. At 17 I started a complete change: lost about 110 lbs, started playing guitar and meditating and made a huge effort to find new friends or reconnect with old ones. I also read books like Models by Mark Manson or No More Mr. Nice guy by Robert Glover.

Fast forward almost 4 years I have two big friend groups, still play guitar, still lift and have plans pretty much every weekend. Still, nothing.

Meeting people outside of apps would be good I guess but while I'm not as anxious around girls anymore it's seems almost impossible for me to approach random girls at a party or elsewhere (also, not really THAT common in Germany anyway.) and I don't meet any through work.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post but the last rejection was today and it's getting crushing. I'm pretty ok with all other aspects of my life except my love live which sucks because it's really important to me. This was more of a rant but I'd be happy to hear your thoughts.

[–]streetstyelz 2 points3 points4 points 8 years ago (12 children) | Copy Link

[–]oyoungpadawan 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]streetstyelz 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]ytho4 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]ytho4 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link

Alright, this is gonna be long:

I first met her in december where we had a great date but she didn't want to meet again. Later found out that the reason for that was that she thought it was weird that I wanted to kiss her on the first date although I wasn't pushy about it at all. Sucked but no big harm after a first date.

In January she suddenly texted me and we started dating again. I think we've met about 7 times in that timespan and things felt like they we're going pretty good.

On a friday sometime before valentines day I was at her place for the first time though nothing exiting happend then. The next day however I met her and her friends at a party where one of her (drunk) friends told me that valentines girl thinks im hella cute which she found quite emberassing but when I met her again later the same evening she told me it was true and that she was mad that I didn't kiss her the day before. This is when we first kissed.

I met her again after that and we cuddled, made out and watched a movie.

Fast forward to valentines day where we talked for hours, cuddled, made out like crazy and (probalby) would've had sex if she wasn't on her period.

The thing is, I don't think I was coming of to strong then. I wasn't pushy about sex (she was the one to even mention it) and I wasn't acting like "you're my girlfriend now" or anything. She actually was talking more like that, telling me stuff about her and "oh you also need to know that, and that... etc." She was also so happy I brought her flowers I thought she'd cry.

We basically finished that evening talking about our bagge, being in each others arms and both saying we like each other.

The weekend after that I asked if she wanted to anything but she said she has no time. She never had time after that though. She pretty much ghosted me in that regard. Went from snapping me daily to nothing and would never make time.

Met her sister on a party 4 weeks later and she told me something to the extend of "She really likes me and feels safe but felt that I like her more than she likes me and she can't handle that (because her exes were assholes)".

Also saw valentines girl herself about 3 weeks after on the same party but choose to ignore her. The day after she texted me "great job ignoring me". I got a bit mad, called her out for some stuff (didn't insult her), and admitted that I still kinda like her and we had a brief chat and she admitted that she got "scared" of the whole thing. No contact since then, also deleted everthing from her.

[–]streetstyelz 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

sounds like a headfuck that doesn't know what she wants and got spooked when she realised she was into you

Exactly what I and pretty much all good friends I talked to think.

Just for future - Don't let a chick wind you up to the point you call them out or play into their stupid power games, always keep your composure. It'll eat her up inside ;)

Agreed and I think I did keep my composure, the first reply was just something like "why even care?" and the rest simply being honest about how I felt about the whole thing.

You wouldn't want to date a chick like that anyway man

You're right with that too, still kinda sad she's that unmature (?) because I really liked her otherwise and that shit really hurt, especially since this was the first time I've felt close to a proper realationship and I think we really were.

[–]CommonMisspellingBot -1 points0 points1 point 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]ytho4 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

you may be coming on way too strong, way too quick with these girls.

To also adress this in general, apart from valentines girl:

I don't escalate hard on these dates but when I've had a great date I want to meet again and not just sometime but preferably within a week or so. I'm not sure if this is coming on too strong but isn't it normal to want to meet a good date again after a week or so?

I guess I'm needy and while I don't act out on it, if mark manson is to be belived girls still notice this. No idea how to fix this apart from finally having sex/getting in a relationship as I'm already pretty focused on myself with a busy social life and hobbies.

I don't know, you'd think with so many dates you'd find at least one and while I ended about 3 of these myself, the others were usually either ghosting or mainly some kind of "You're a nice guy but I only see you as a friend / didn't feel anything."

The loneliness is only getting more crippling.

[–]streetstyelz 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

Within the week is probably a little quick for most if its a new person, its very rare that i'll have 2 dates with the same girl in the same week if shes new. Most of them are usually spread out, on average 3, maybe 4 weeks apart. Shit, i've gone 2 months between dates before, sometimes life gets in the way, sometimes the girl just isn't up for dating regularly and likes to take time between them, theres a bunch of reasons for it. It's not until i start to really get to know the girl(And by that time we've already escalated to sex/intimacy) that i'll start going out on dates with her multiple times a week or regularly, and thats simply just because she's more comfortable with me and i've built some rapport.

For a new girl, what i do, and what seems to work well for me, is at the end of the date, i'll tell her i had fun, and that i would like to see her again soon. Give it a week or two, then hit her up and just be like "Doing much this weekend? Lets go out."

She'll either come back with "Im free, sounds good!", or she's busy, and this can go one of two ways.

It can either be

"Sorry, i'm busy, but im free on xxx"

"Sorry, I'm busy"

The general rule i go by....One of them means she enjoyed the last date. The other one doesn't. Now obviously not all girls will mean they didnt enjoy it when they dont respond with a day their free, but you can generally get a good idea of whether she's interested in another date depending on her attitude when you bring up the idea of another one.

[–]ytho4 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link

I know what you mean but I'm not sure how to get close when you only see each other every 3 - 4 weeks. Doesn't have to be multiple times a week either but at least 1/week on average would be nice. Not saying it HAS to be this way but it's what I'd personally like...

Overall I'm not sure if it's the main problem as most dates either ended right after the first where I didn't even really have a chance to ask for a second one or right after the second date by telling me they don't feel anything or only see me as a friend.

Maybe I'm really just not "escalating" enough for them to consider me as more than a friend or I somehow communicate neediness/low value.

That being said, I'll try to tone it down the next time I install the app again or find a date.

Also agree with the last part with your comment. Feels great when they are eager to meet again.

You have to remember, at the beginning youre essentially a nobody, she may like you and have an interest, but she won't prioritize you because realistically she hardly knows you.The more you get to know her and the more fun she has with you, the more she'll want to spend time with you. It can start out slow but over time you'll start seeing her more and more regularly as you begin to become an established person in her life. You just have to learn to play it cool because (providing the date went well)how you act during that period is going to be the deciding factor of whether she wants see you again or not.

Don't by into the "low value" shit man - Unless you're 50 and living in your mums house working at maccas most normal women don't give a shit. How you project yourself/come across to people and your self confidence is the most important thing here. You can be the most average dude in existence but if you have confidence and project yourself well, those vibes radiate, women will pick up on it and respond to it.

You have to remember, at the beginning youre essentially a nobody

You're right and I'm sure I get attached too quickly due to loneliness. It has somewhat improved through all these dates though, before that I had only dated one person and I was WAY to invested in her eventhough it was clear as daylight that she wasn't interested in me.

Don't by into the "low value" shit man...but if you have confidence and project yourself well

I don't see myself as low value but I can act rather shy and timid with people I don't know well, especially in groups so I don't think I am seen as someone desireable (or "low value"). Makes it hard to get dates irl and while I'm pretty good at one-on-one I don't really know how to flirt (or am too shy to do it) which might be the reason 1/3 of these dates ended with "I only see you as a friend.".

No point dwelling on it though, I pretty much just have to keep doing what I'm doing while trying to care less about the whole thing. How much do you text between dates?

[–]GuyFromDaStore 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

Title	"You're a nice guy but...
Author	ytho4
Upvotes	1
Comments	15
Date	May 6, 2018 7:57 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/8hhsyr/youre_a_nice_guy_but/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/youre-a-nice-guy-but.1446136 https://theredarchive.com/post/1446136

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