I’m almost 5 years removed from a brutal divorce. I took a year off thinking I was healing myself, went through a little fuck boy face “ yeah I still got it” and then dated with intention. I got into a year long relationship that ended poorly because she was just a hotter version of my ex-wife and I defaulted into my nice guy people pleasing ways.

Now within my community, I provide therapy to a handful of men going through divorce. Completely pro bono. I got the reputation among my guy friends - “ oh you’re going through a divorce, you need to talk to OP”

Almost all of them are nice guy people pleasers - and their ex is either cheated or they got the “ I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” Walk away wife syndrome.

My opinion - cheating and walk away wife syndrome often doesn’t fucking fall out of the sky. Own your part. Yes, there is a small percentage of women have mental disorders, the Cluster B’s, and avoidant attachment, but even then you still probably put up with a way too much before setting boundaries.

I’m focused on helping them rise from the ashes - become better men. I’ve been told I should be a therapist, but I don’t want to - I think trying to make money would change my approach … plus I stay the quiet part out loud.

Here is a recent text exchange with a man I just started speaking with that is struggling six months post divorce - he felt blindsided, he’s bitter and hurt, reeling at the loss of friends and life he thought he had.

TEXT

“Hey man - take it day to day. Peaks and valleys.

Yes you need to make new friends / hobbies but I also told you not to write off all old friends and not take it personal. I wouldn’t still be friends with (Our mutual married buddy, who connected us) if I wrote off everyone in the divorce.

Most people are living in their own world and aren’t as concerned about you as you think. Many simply don’t know what to do with divorced people. If you just walk around like you don’t give a fuck, that you are moving on and getting better, and don’t be afraid to be the one reaching out … they will still be your friends. If you act bitter, hurt, upset that no one is chasing you then that’s what you will be - bitter, hurt, alone.

One of the greatest books about building relationships (it’s 90 years old and I’ve read it five times in my life) is Dale Carnegie’s “how to win friends and influence people” - there’s a famous line, always recite my head

“you’ll make more friends in two months by investing in other people than you will in two years by trying to get other people to invest in you.”

You’re a nice person. You live by the golden rule - do to others as you want done to yourself - Taken to an extreme that makes you people pleaser.

I know I was one.

People pleasing is not as good as it sounds to be, as righteous as you make it in your head. Essentially what you’re doing is your writing implied contracts with people that don’t sign up for it. “ I treat you a certain way therefore you should treat me a certain way.” but they never agreed to that. When they break this contract that they didn’t sign up for you get upset hurt sad.

Accept people for who they are. Decide if you want them in your life. Focus on what you can control. Invest in things that give you positive momentum. If there are old friends that are toxic or not giving you what you want, yeah cut them off. But don’t write everyone off because they’re not reaching out to you and being super friendly because you were friendly to them in the past.

Also remember that people pleasing is what turned your ex-wife off. I’ve seen it so many times. Happy wife happy life. They lose attraction. You were doing all the relationship stuff right - committing to her, being a good father, investing around the house, being empathetic, kind. But that’s only half the equation and that’s a nice guy people pleasing stuff.

What makes a woman attracted to a man is authentic masculine energy - confidence, having standards and setting boundaries, investing in things that you like, no matter if she approves, holding the frame and being steady in uncertainty.

I dated enough and talk to enough women that this is pretty universal. Even the most liberal boss bitch CEO woman still wants to put in her place in held accountable when she’s wrong - not begging for her to see your side, but drawing a line in the sand of what you will accept and that you opt out if you don’t see it. Even the most fiercely independent control freak woman once her arms pinned back and to be ravished at the end of the day by a man she’s attracted to.

The ideal man has both - the relationship stuff and the ability to build and maintain attraction. He is kind but also masculine strength and knows how to use it well.

Prince charming also slays dragons.

Use this divorce and where you’re at now to become the ideal man. You were never gonna do that with her. Now you have that opportunity. Seize it.”

Here is a deep dive video on what builds attraction - https://youtu.be/RB1Ed\_kvZNM?is=dZYyQN27tLJukaTm