Moving Forward

ArtisticQuality · 2019-06-05T07:19:04+00:00

It's about a year since I've known. I can't say I have all the wisdom needed, but I can tell you where I'm at.

If she tells you her passion is gone, and she is now invested in someone else, then you don't have any more options on that front. Even in the crazy scenario that you decided to give her time and wait it out, it would be a very long time for her to complete her cycle of trying out feelings for someone else, trying out being single, wanting a new life, then realizing it didn't pan out like she hoped it would and come back down to earth. So even if you wanted that, and even if it did play out like that, it's a very long journey and you won't be there when she lands. You'll be a different person then because by then you would have gone through this painful process and you'll come out a different person on the other end. So you didn't say this but just in case you are thinking it, you have to move on now.

This is going to be a long journey for you too. It's a grieving process and you have to go through all the stages. You are a distance out from thinking that life goes on, that you'll be happy again and have another go at love. Right now you have to deal with this heavy situation and you haven't built any foundations for it so you are on very shaky ground. You have to start building up the tools you'll need to get through it. You need to learn to shake the feelings by dealing with them, but you can only deal with them in small chunks or they'll crush you. It's a difficult balance. Focus on strengthening your foundation: be good to yourself, work yourself up so that you can like who you are in the future even if the future is uncertain. Keep crutches like alcohol under control. Work on your fitness and mental health. Surround yourself with those that care about you. Do your part every day to keep yourself steady and somewhat in control.

I'm actually in a good place. Emotionally I'd say I'm neutral, the pain is almost under control but life tastes like cardboard still. I'm physically fitter than I've been in years. I'm mentally fitter than I've been in years. I have a better relationship with those around me. I struggle to focus at work and currently it takes my best to do the bare minimum to be competent, but I'm in the best terms with coworkers I've ever been and things are alright.

I'm actually happy that I started working out more often when this happened. It's a needed boost to my self-esteem that has been in shambles and is still a fragile thing. But I notice women looking my way. I'm a person to others even if I don't feel that way myself right now. When I'm ready it won't be hard to get back out there. I wish that for you. Even if you are not ready to think that way, get into the habit of building a better you even if it feels pointless to you right now, because working on yourself will help you build your foundation up, will give you some much needed mental sanity, and will help you be back on your feet when you are ready.

Moving on is hard. I'm not ready to forgive her. I feel forsaken. I'm not angry, I never lashed out. I was understanding, reasonable, gave her tons of time and space. We had plenty of problems before she quit on us and started loving someone else. I blamed myself for a lot of it and I still do. Ultimately, I don't think any of that matters much. It might matter later if I'm to start a relationship with someone else because forgiving might be necessary for me to believe in relationships again. But today it doesn't matter. All that matters is you have to focus on yourself, and you cannot control what others do, only yourself. Handle this as conflict-free as you can, but you are #1 now and if you don't take care of yourself nobody else will. Don't worry about forgiving or forgetting anytime soon. Start with regaining your strength and planning the next steps.

I don't have kids so that part of this wasn't a problem for me. But you have to focus on that immediately. What happens to your family, your home. It will never be a good time to have to handle that because at this stage you'll struggle to handle yourself, but you want to prepare yourself for what's coming. Learn about the separation process, be proactive about the steps you need to take to protect yourself, your things and your access to your kids. Be as kind as you want to her on her way out, but don't let her or the system take more blood from you than is fair, or take irreplaceable stuff like access to your kids.

time_waste_quicksand · 2019-06-05T06:06:15+00:00

i am a lurker - but want to say thinking of you!

Bryskee · 2019-06-05T05:34:57+00:00

Sorry to hear you’re going through this. You sound like your doing as good as could be expected. Perhaps some of the challenges are related to the change in life. The shake up of habit. Not so much lost love, maybe you will find you were not even really happy and just didn’t realize it. Only time will tell. The good times are just like the bad times, they pass. Keep your chin up and thank you for sharing.

DurtMcGehrk · 2019-06-05T05:57:14+00:00

Sounds like you're doing great! I'm about 7 months out from hearing those words, and I still cry most days!

I thought she was the love of my life. I put everything I had into our relationship just to have her tell me that our life together wasn't enough.

Well, I am good enough. So are you. And now we have a wonderful opportunity to find someone that truly appreciates us for the good men that we are.

That's what I like to tell myself, anyway :)

Rispinija · 2019-06-05T10:54:45+00:00

Mate sorry to hear this man hard times. I have a different story but hey ho. I think the main thing is accepting its over which you have in your post and look towards the future. Im not there yet but it has got better for me I am 7 months since finding out.

Good luck

tinkerb3lll · 2019-06-05T22:02:56+00:00

Yeah same here, 19 years of marriage, thought i was mostly happily married and would be spending the rest of my life with my spouse. Found out she downloaded a sex app and starting sleeping with random strangers half her age F42. Always accused me of wanting sex and not respecting her and here she does this, none of these guys respect her and she can't stop herself from being used by younger men.

She wants divorce and we have been working thru, I am at the stage where I know I need to move, it's been devastating and emotional and I have broken down many times but remain strong. Two beautiful kids, 18 and 19 thank goodness they mostly of age. It's sad and disappointing. Also found out she has been doing it in the woods, in the back of the car, completely out of character for her .. how I pushed her to this point I don't know, but life moves on ..

I definitely didn't deserve it either, hopefully one day she will regret what she did and realize what a good thing she had .. time to move on ,.. plus I have cancer, she did this to me while I as sick for the last 4 years with Cancer .. talk about someone with no sole.

CoolNameHere8765 · 2019-06-06T01:06:53+00:00

BRO, I just just read my exact situation. Awesome, happy life with the love of my life. Had no clue there was a problem. 2 awesome kids! Then boom “I’m not happy”. My gut reaction was she’s just not happy, then everyone, even my lawyer, says she having an affair. I’m like hell no I can’t believe it. I can’t give you any advice on how to make it better. But I can tell you that I honestly feel your pain and I hope you get through it.

Title	Moving Forward
Author	CarGuyM1985
Upvotes	17
Comments	18
Date	June 5, 2019 5:08 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/bwyucf/moving_forward/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/moving-forward.819493 https://theredarchive.com/post/819493

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