I kinda feel weird posting here simply because I have conflicting feelings about myself and my relationships with women, but here we are I guess. Cuz, like, I don't have any ill-will towards anyone (at least I hope I don't), but I still feel frustrated about my current situation and I have no clue where to direct my anger.

A bit of context:

I'm a 19-year-old in his second year of college, and at this point I have never gotten a girl I liked to like me back. I would always screw up and creep them out in some way, inadvertadly burning bridges because of how awkward and insecure I am. In the past I used to be really toxic and self-entitled about my situation, but I soon realized that this very attitude was part of my problem. Even after I worked this out I still struggle to click romantically with the opposite sex.

I finally made some progress when I went on my first ever date with this one hot girl from one of my classes this past semester. I felt like I managed to establish some chemistry with her at first, but because I have no idea what I'm doing half the time, I tried pressuring her into a second date wayyy too hard and ultimately creeped her out like I usually do.

I almost committed suicide a couple of weeks later because my grades began to slip and because I couldn't live with the fact that I only ever seem to harm people emotionally whenever I look for intimacy. I felt like my very being only existed as a burden for other people, and the only way to fix that was to end it right then and there.

I don't want to be seen as that nerdy, creepy stalker archetype that everyone and their mother can shit on without remorse, but I sometimes believe that's what I am regardless of what my friends and logic try to tell me otherwise. And because of this I give off that vibe to other people, causing them to believe that's what I am, and my self-perpetuating cycle continues.

I've since become disillusioned with the idea of romance and even basic sexual intimacy, but my overwhelmingly active hormones still serve as a painful reminder of my ineptitude and inadequacy.

So I guess I'm here because I want to try and find value in myself independent from whether I can attract someone I like. I want to channel my anger in a more positive way, because I know there's more to life than just companionship and sex.