Notes from Mark Manson's talk in Portugal

Hey guys, I've linked to the youtube video below several times and have gotten pretty good feedback from it. I just went back and rewatched it recently. I also took some notes for myself, so I thought I'd share. It's a really good cheatsheet to go over before you go out. The video starts out a bit shaky with staticky audio, but it's okay after a few minutes.

Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lxGR-htV6Uw

Notes:

"Sometimes we're so focused on scoring for ourselves, we spend so much time resisting the other person (by pushing for what we want), we don't even notice that if we do what we both want, we can score as much as we want."

PUA as a performance: we can get good at acting in a certain way, but ultimately the performance itself backfires because it always brings the undesired effect (being ignored, clinginess, etc...). This is because performing has an underlying flawed assumption that the other person has to be tricked into being attracted to us. Whereas who we are have always been good enough.

What are the ways of which we perform?

• Act disinterested - pretend like we don't care when we actually do
• Exaggerate ourselves - making every little action bigger than what it really is
• Too agreeable - nice guys do this, where we just go along with whatever and not being ourselves
• Hide faults - we don't talk about our hidden flaws

(BTW, we all do these to some extent, but when we get in front of someone we really like, we overdo them.)

Why doesn't performance work?

• It is unsustainable because you can only keep it up for so long.
• People can read the intention beneath your performance.
• It implies that you are inferior, since you would only need to perform if you were. This is the biggest reason why it doesn't work.

How did we get to this performance-based thinking? Culture and the media gave us this fairy tale. Girls also expect performance out of a guy to some extent and it gives them all the false expectations.

PERFORMANCE = PEDESTAL

Anytime you're not thinking "I'm cool as how I am", you are putting people on a pedestal by performing for them. If you have a friend you have to try to impress them to be friends with them, then fuck them (if they don't accept you as who you are).

Performance is a way to deal with anxiety but it ultimately create even more anxiety. Everybody has their own story of why they have anxiety. They create defense mechanisms to succumb to anxiety instead of dealing with it through actions. Those mechanisms are:

• Avoidance: coming up with bull shit reasons to not take action
• Rationalization: over-analyzing the situation, leading to either avoidance or ineffective action
• Blame/Anger: labeling and blaming the girls, hating on other guys, creating destructive beliefs
• Indifference: convincing ourselves that we don't really care or the girls are not hot enough to hit on

How do we overcome our anxiety? We do it through our vulnerability (IT IS A MENTALITY, NOT A TECHNIQUE!!!).

Putting ourselves in vulnerable situations while acknowledging our anxiety shows that even though we have fears, we can pursue our desires without compromising we are. This in itself is attractive because it communicates high internal self value, regardless of the circumstance.

The types of vulnerabilities are:

• Behavioral: taking actions where the consequence could be negative, such as approaching a girl where you are setting yourself up to be rejected
• Verbal: expressing your ideas and thoughts openly, such as saying things that could be disagreed
• Emotional: showing your feelings and desires, such as saying "I want to have sex with you"

VULNERABILITY + RESPONSIBILITY = STRENGTH

Vulnerability without responsibility makes you seem like a victim blaming the world instead of someone women can depend on. With great vulnerability comes great responsibility ;)

Vulnerability is NOT:

• A technique, where you use it to get the girl to like you. Its intention has to be unconditional. You hit on a girl because you are really attracted to her, not to prove it to your friends. You express yourself without worrying about the reaction.
• Emotional vomit, where you just vent about an unresolved issue.

How to practice vulnerability:

1. Accept your anxiety. Don't let it infect your thinking or actions. Be okay with it always being inside of you. Sounds weird but when you experience it, you'll know.
2. Act despite your anxiety. Everyone has it because it's a natural reaction. Use the anxiety to push you further. Three possible outcomes: A) If you tend to pussy out most of the time, then break the action down to doable pieces that you can practice. B) Just do it awkwardly, but acknowledge the awkwardness of the situation openly. If you accept it, she'll accept it. C) You do it normally after doing A and B a lot.

The ultimate goal is to:

• Produce real and lasting confidence
• Eliminate the gap of perception that's between you and the hot girls
• Get rid of that belief that we have to be something incredible to have sex

It also invites the RIGHT type of rejection. If you are performing, and you get rejected because of it, it makes you feel like you did something wrong. But if you are being open and vulnerable, and you get rejected, it's because you are truly incompatible with her. In this regard, rejections actually BUILDS your confidence instead of breaking it because it shows that you refuse to be anyone but yourself. Nothing can shake you. If someone gives you attitude (ahem shit tests), you know she's not right for you. You just move on to find someone who is.

Q&A:

Q: How to cold approach during the day (day game)?

A: Women don't expect to approached during the day, so the main rule is not to scare her. Be normal. Give them space. Don't touch them until she trusts you. Don't startle them. Just expect to be rejected half the time. Be relaxed. Have a normal conversation. It's a test of how normal you are, so don't stay long.

Q: Please talk about demographics.

A: Demographics is huge because the concept is that you attract people like you. Instead of trying to convince women to like you by performing, you change to become what attracts them to you. Go where you like to be. On the emotional level, you attract people on the same emotional level as you are at. If you are needy, you will attract needy women. If you are manipulative, you will attract manipulative women.

Q: There are these concepts that are confusing called "shit tests", I know you have a different approach to it.

A: I don't really believe in shit tests. Men get a little paranoid. It comes back to the Anger/Blame defense mechanism. The whole idea of a shit test is that the women is trying to see how congruent you are to the person you're portraying. If you are not performing, then there is nothing to shit test. You would have no problem passing it because that's truly who you are. It's just general honest skepticism of strangers. It's usually not a problem, but if it is, then the simple solution is just to reject them and move on.

Q: Do you run direct game?

A: I don't think of it any more in terms of game. I just talk. I try to express myself as honestly as possible. Sometimes that means I am very front like "you're beautiful". Sometimes I hold back. If I'm truly interested, I'm always willing to say things. If indirect game means to hide, then no, I don't do it. Generally what I feel like saying in the moment.

Q: What is your strategy for approaching sets?

A: "Hi, how are you guys doing tonight? My name's Mark." People ask him how he approaches different situations and it's always "Hi my name's Mark, I wanted to meet you." Who's gonna say no to that? And if they do, the fuck them.

Q: With this new approach to meeting girls, have you been meeting less or more girls?

A: More, both in terms of quantity and quality. Quality both in terms of looks and mentality. Last year, I was getting laid as I ever had at my peak by going out just once a week. But it wasn't through effort. It looks like that's easy for Mark to say but it's just the idea that you never have to prove anything. You don't need permission to say hi, to tell her she's cute, or to ask her to come back to your place.

Q: I'm a chill guy who just likes to sit there. Is that an issue?

A: It's not really a problem for introverted guys, since it comes back to the demographics. If you go to where you like to be, then you will attract the right type of women. It's only when you feel like you need to speak up, then you should.

Q: Story about getting beat up while hitting on girls

A: A lot of it has to do with respect. If they feel like you're being disrespectful, then they'll get upset. Most boyfriends will come over and tell you she's taken. Be honest and direct but respectful at the same time. Another thing is that if you are direct, and even if they say no, it still creates attraction and respect.

Q: Question about polyandrous relationships

A: There is scientific evidence that people can be in love with many people at the same time. It doesn't mean that we have to be polyandrous. It varies from person to person. It's just another choice.

Q: Is being promiscuous necessary to men?

A: Most men need to go through a phrase where they feel like they have a lot of sexual choices before they can settle into an exclusive relationship. But if they don't do it, they're not the "average chump". Different people have different needs.

Q: Statistic about divorces in the western countries.

A: One thing that is definitely true that we are discovering is that the idea of life long marriage with just one person fits the minority of people out there. We are just becoming more aware of our needs, and making different choices. Even though divorce rates are higher, people are more happy in marriages.

Q: When you see a girl that you are attracted to, do you go up to her or flirt with her from a distance?

A: I just talk to her. The less I think about it, the better. The sooner, the better.

Q: If you have approach anxiety, do you force yourself to do it?

A: Even though it's useful to set goals, you have to watch out about how you quantify it. If you measure it too much, it actually creates more anxiety. What if you pressure yourself to approach 8 girls, but you only approach 7, you still feel bad about yourself.

Q: If you set the goal for yourself, but you don't go through with it...

A: But I don't judge myself. I'll just do better tomorrow.

Q: Game is an emotional process, can you talk more about it?

A: Pick up theory says that women make decision based on emotions. But it's also true for guys. What you actually say or do is only as effective as the emotion that you project with it. Attraction cannot be quantified for either sex. The sooner you can get away from trying to manipulate the rational perception of each and start focusing on the irrational perception, the better off you will be.

Q: 3 main myths and 3 main things that helped you

A: Myths: 1) you don't need to prove anything. 2) having a lot of sex doesn't solve issues, even though it is still fun. 3) can't think of one. Beliefs that helped: 1) I'm already awesome and I'm trying to be even more awesome, and if a girl can't see that, then I don't want to be with her. 2) I'm capable of anything if I persist and keep trying 3) everybody is my friend, sometimes they just don't know it.