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throwaway113891
[–]odious_titillation 4 points5 points6 points 9 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link
This was a tough read my dude, sorry for your situation. Mainly because the time invested in her and the connection you felt you had. The first opinion I have for this is I do think you were much too passive in pursuing a relationship if that's what you really wanted. It sounds like you ate up her words about relationships and it lead you down a vicious path of over analyzing. It's 100℅ acceptable and actually prudent to take initiative and own how you feel about someone, especially after you've already been intimate. Keep that in mind for next time. Number 2 you seem like an intelligent dude so I need you to be able to dissect the bullshit she fed you about not wanting a relationship because clearly it took her, in your own words, 2 short weeks to fall into one. That being said, I think it's best you reserve the questions you said you had for her and move on. I know you're feeling strong about her but she made the conscious decision AFTER you and her spent quality time together to allow this other dude to come between whatever connection you had. Her mind is made up. Even if she were to be receptive to w/e you had to say, doesn't it sting somewhere deep down that she thought little enough of your guys time together to just suddenly be with another guy? You're in the prime right now my man, use this as a learning lesson. There's soooo much abundance at School. Go get it. You'll recover, and remember dude, were here for ya.
[–]throwaway113891[S] 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
Yeah, thanks for the advice. She's always been pretty nurturing for a while. Just two weeks ago she was stroking my hair and all that business. I'm still glad to have her in my life as a friend regardless though. I'm just going to not talk to her a while and self-reflect, and work on me. Still, I'd give anything to go back 12 days and tell her exactly how I feel.
[–]InfamousCthulu 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
Yeah, but you can't. I had this with another girl recently it seemed great, but I let her words lead me down a weird path.
Something to learn, if they say they don't want a relationship and you do. If you think their words are different than their feelings then I would go for it. Either way you get reaffirmed they don't want one and you have no girlfriend still, or they were telling you something different than they felt and wanted one.
Obviously if you already asked them out and they rejected you, don't try again you'll come off needy, but this is a more unique scenario.
I personally wonder if it was a game/a way to protect herself/ or something else, but thats just my questions.
[–]throwaway113891[S] 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
I'm thinking she was just in uncharted waters and didn't know how to handle it, so she wanted me to handle it instead. And I didn't.
[–]ifhybb 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Sorry to hear that happened to you. I have to be honest man, she doesn't seem like a very nice person, in comparison to you from your story. Some girls can have sex and moments you would consider "intimate" with guys they never intend to talk to again. I'd bet she is VERY experienced when it comes to sexual contact and at this point, it doesn't really affect her the way it does you (I assume you possibly don't get as laid as much as a chick who is into shrooms)
The fact that she is in a relationship 2 weeks after she said she didn't want one...I mean there's not much else to say, she lied to you man. She probably isn't even inexperienced in relationships, she just told you that. Someone who has never been in a relationship, doesn't jump from sex partner to sex partner to bf. I think the situation, as much as it sucks, is this: She wanted an asshole because she's likely a slut that doesn't appreciate a nice guy. Period. She sounds like she would have been a terrible addition to your life. Consider yourself lucky and protect yourself more from here on out, don't let someone in so easily next time. Always keep a piece of yourself for yourself, don't let her have all of you.
[–]throwaway113891[S] 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link
She's not in a relationship "2 weeks after she said she didn't want one" She said she didn't want a relationship when I met her a few months ago. once. I assume that hadn't changed. I'm not going to be mad at someone over a lie.
We haven't just had sexual moments of intimacy. We've been intimate with each other without sex whatsoever. Possibly the majority of the time.
[–]ifhybb 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Alright well, regardless of the time-span, the fact remains she is in one, no? I'm not saying you have to be mad but if it helps you to move on faster, embrace the anger. I didn't imply you did not have non-sexual moments of intimacy.
Problem is I don't think she values that intimacy in the same way as you. Women that can be any form of intimate with a guy, outside of a relationship or without the prospect of forming one, aren't going to be able to easily attach and bond through intimacy. I hope you find a good, decent girl that values intimacy in the same way you do. You have to start the search for her though, she won't come to you. Best of luck with your new pursuits. To be fair, I could be completely wrong about her and she shows up on your doorstep saying she made a mistake but I'm just going with what seems likely from my experiences and prospective. I meant no personal offense. Just sounds like it was more of a one-sided ordeal. You feeling one way, her another. It's a shame but it happens to the best of us.
[–]Trehnt 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Coulda, shoulda, woulda. Think about your future man, and use this as a learning experience. You're young, and as the guy before you said, plenty of girls at school. There will be plenty more "perfect" girls that you come across.
[–]Saophen 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I feel for you man. What you described here was basically me. She just left today to go back to her parents house but stayed with me at my apartment for like 2 weeks. Super chill girl, sex was amazing, etc. Pretty much just a bundle of emotions about her family and her ex sending her messages. She said she wanted a relationship with me but its all too sudden. I told her how I felt but Im kinda just confused like you are.
[–]eff_aech[🍰] 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
Sounds like you are the backup. I can resonate with most of the things you said here since I've gone through them personally. I'm not going to tell you some machismo thing like, "Fuck her, there is plenty of fish in the sea" or the less direct "don't operate in the scarcity mindset".
Here is the truth if you can bare it: You aren't in love. I have a hard time sleeping with multiple people since sex is such an emotional connection. You want her so much because you don't have her. One line (well it's not really a line since it's the truth) I've used is, "I don't get sexually involved with more than one person at a time since ____ and _____ and I know what happened just kind of happened, but I want to know what your thoughts are?" This is where honesty can sometimes suck, but in the long run it's for the best. It's easier to not see someone after having sex with them one time as opposed to multiple times. If she is not OK with that, man up and say, "Well, thank you for the memories and I hope that you will find someone amazing." Because that is how you feel, right? You can still hang out but you have to deny her advances if they happen since you are going to respect yourself and repeat your reasoning again. Chances are good that she'll realize that you are special and make the choice to be with you. I hope this helps.
To be fair, I had this conversation with a friend, while I was still with her. He eventually reasoned with me that it probably wasn't a good idea. So I didn't, at a time where it was probably the best possible idea.
I'm considering telling her that I've been struggling with telling her this for a long time, but I don't want to ruin the chance on being her friend either. What do you think about that? The chances of it being successful now are slim to none, because the first 10 days of a relationship is pretty much the most enthusiastic time for the participants. If not now, when? Should I just not talk to her awhile, then slowly start talking again first? I want to be upfront with her, because I think she's been pretty emotionally vulnerable to me, and I haven't really been adequate in my response.
[–]eff_aech[🍰] 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Return that vulnerability to her. Tell her everything you are stating now, I mean what do you have to lose? Do this in person if possible. Plus, it's going to help you in the long run of being internally emotionally intelligent. This is counterintuitive but the best chance of getting her back is to let her go without being a doormat.
Is it alright if I PM you as I go along with this?
My heart is saying "yes do it"
My brain is saying "Don't you'll just fuck it up more"
I haven't really been listening to my heart on her though. Maybe I should now. I just don't want to fuck things up more you know. I'm wondering if this should be saved for later, maybe 2 weeks or something. Appreciate your thoughts.
[–]eff_aech[🍰] 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
sure
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[–]odious_titillation 4 points5 points6 points (7 children) | Copy Link
[–]throwaway113891[S] 1 point2 points3 points (6 children) | Copy Link
[–]InfamousCthulu 0 points1 point2 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]throwaway113891[S] 0 points1 point2 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]ifhybb 1 point2 points3 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]throwaway113891[S] 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]ifhybb 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Trehnt 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Saophen 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]eff_aech[🍰] 0 points1 point2 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]throwaway113891[S] 0 points1 point2 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]eff_aech[🍰] 0 points1 point2 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]throwaway113891[S] 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]eff_aech[🍰] 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link