Im new to this sub, and honestly ive struggled my whole life with insecurity about how I looked and my ethnicity in particular, but now as a young adult its getting even worse. So Ive known about this whole seduction pickup thing for quite a while now and Ive dreamed for years that I would be able to finally do what all my friends and cousins are doing and that is get a girlfriend or AT LEAST get a date by walking up to a girl and asking her out. Im 21 years old and i just can't do it. Ive been trying to literally force myself for the last 3 years and every time I see a girl I might like, at the most I get close to her but it's like there's a brick wall blocking me. I freeze up, heart jumps, i feel an intense wave of super anxiety shoot through my body like an electric shock, and either i chicken out at the last second and say nothing or I might let out a pathetic wimpered "hi" like a total childish beta loser! Because when you are that scared and nervous that's how your voice comes out. And they usually don't hear it or they might say "hi" back and keep walking like im some insane person. In my mind it seems like it would be easy, but it just isn't. I dream about doing it, it seems so easy in my head, then get up and go attempt it for real, then chicken out, and the cycle has repeated itself for over a year. And i know you'll say get drunk, well I ALREADY TRIED THAT. Many times I go to a bar and ask for some shots of the most potent stuff they got, and it doesnt affect me one bit. Idk if i have a very high tolerance (im 6'1 160lbs), but it does not make any difference to me. I feel slightly wobbly maybe, but my judgement and anxiety is completely unaffected. Nothing is working and i feel like im running out of time. Beacuse of that lately ive been so frustrated and self loathing I've been just bashing my head and harming myself pretty badly to the point that ive bloodied myself. I have some pretty big bruises on my face right now actually, and also got a serious headache from what i did to myself last night. But i dont care, because i feel like i deserve it for letting myself down and for being what i am. Ive also been contemplating suicide quite alot, but because of my personality i keep chickening out on that too. Maybe that's the one good thing about it. Idk what's gonna happen first. Am i gonna find the guts to approach a girl or am i gonna find the guts to finally kill myself LOL! Idk which is harder. I hate myself and my life. I really do.