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BuilderOk8069 Archive

View 7 posts and 42 comments by BuilderOk8069 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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1

Is your separation/divorce being handled by lawyers yet? In my case, I went in mentally prepared to continue paying for everything I was paying for in the marriage, which was rent, utilities, and all insurance. It’s apparently standard that were ordered to maintain status quo until the divorce is finalized. Sure enough, when she filed there was a request from her lawyer that I do just that. My lawyer confirmed that it was best to comply. What that looks like post divorce will come down to negoti…
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/26 02:30 PM
2

I hear you on how much it sucks but consider that this has nothing to do with you…nothing. She didn’t reject YOU because she doesn’t know you. She rejected whatever idea she had of what could come of getting to know you. Think about what goes into that. She has a history, she has whatever her present life is. For all you know she’s in a failing relationship and decided to bail on cheating. There are also many, many people who are struggling between taking time to be on their own and wanting to p…
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 12:46 PM
3

Yes it is painful. I can give perspective on the concern you have about the baby though. In my early 20s I had a kid with my girlfriend. We intended to marry, but we split up before he turned 1. We were together in a tumultuous relationship for about 4 years leading up to that point. I felt very bad about the relationship ending but I knew it was the only chance our son had of having at least one parent trying to be mentally and physically healthy/stable. It’s now 24 years later. My son’s childh…
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/26 02:59 PM
1

Case Information Statement. It’s basically all of the technical and financial details of the marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/26 11:23 AM
1

To be protected (minimally) you would have to have that formalized in a separation agreement. It would have to be notarized and approved by both lawyers. I totally hear what you’re hoping for, trust me I was in the same boat…it’s just that you cannot trust and rely on informal arrangements in this process. If she “likes” how week 1-3, or even worse 4-6 go that’s the plan you’ll be fighting to amend. It’s very hard to get more time when time has already been established and enacted. I’m not sayin…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 02:55 PM
2

I mean if you start off 30/70 and she decides that she likes it, you’re going to have a hell of a time changing it to 50/50. Doesn’t matter what she agreed to, what matters is what’s court approved. If things “work” at 30/70 a judge will very readily say “it’s working so keep it that way”.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 01:56 PM
5

Be careful on all fronts. What she proposed is, of course, what most of us dream of… a quick cheap solution where everyone walks away feeling things went reasonably well. Here are the red flags and potential traps: She has toxic influence. This means whatever she says or agrees to is essentially worthless long term. She’s talked about direct mediation but it hasn’t begun, and talks have ended. This was my situation as of 3 weeks ago, meanwhile she was working with a lawyer and ambush filed. Than…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 01:22 PM
6

Guys I will tell you, you are in the heart of a terrible time right now and that heart is very big. It is not forever. I definitely feel how you do, going through divorce from a 13 year marriage including children. My least favorite moments are when I wake up and quickly realize “this is real”. The 30 seconds or so before that are amazing. But here’s the thing. I’ve been through the hell of this stuff before. Custody battles, insane conflict, financial worries… all during my 20s/30s. The grand f…
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/26 12:29 AM
1

Totally agree here. Latching on to those breadcrumb moments had me spinning out with simp wheels for months while she embraced her final form: the emotionally avoidant “boss bitch”. While I was there thinking love and good memories were our last chance she was filing for divorce. Fuck that. As they say, the woman i married is gone. I’m not going to emotionally masturbate over someone who currently has no reservations about “destroying” me.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/26 12:04 AM
3

In it now. It’s easier if you don’t have kids because you don’t have to worry about setting up some bs parental status quo. Seems like you’re good there. My advice is see how lucky you are! Go out and do literally anything (safe and sane) that you want to do whenever you want to do it. Don’t find another woman, it will complicate things and give stbx ammo, but other than that, look at it like your apt is the darkest most unenjoyable place on earth and you just can’t wait to leave. It will feel u…
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 07:39 PM
5

You already mentioned a big one… feeling like your marriage (the core of your life) is your greatest burden. I’d add coming to a point of clarity with how much of your love is rooted in fantasy. I’m in the divorce process and still get hammered with thinking I love her with all my heart, only when we actually engage on marital concerns the person I’m oh so in love with is nowhere to be found…instead it’s that conflict loving burdensome person I stick my head in the sand to. It sounds like marria…
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 01:00 AM
1

This sounds exactly like my first son’s mother (never married), not my current wife. I point that out because I went through your situation from year 1 until 14 when she died. Here’s my advice: Do not ever appease in hopes of her gaining stability, reciprocating, or following through in the future. She will not. Do not wait for and bank on calm periods to feel safety. They are false flags. Do not settle for anything that isn’t court backed. The court IS YOUR SHIELD with a woman showing those pat…
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 06:20 PM
9

Oh man, I feel for you. My situation evolved very similarly. “We maintain current care plan” (essentially 50/50) became “he should be with me the majority of the time”, which became “we’ll discuss it all in mediation and continue therapy” which became “i don’t want to do therapy anymore”… Followed by months of dodging plans on mediation and “the amicable route”. And then, out of nowhere… I got seeerrrrrvvveeedddd. Just do yourself a massive favor, get a lawyer and file. It’s going to land there …
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 02:36 PM
4

Congratulations, man! I just read through some of your posts. It’s awesome to see people make it through the other side in a snapshot. Reminds me that every catastrophic high tension moment is a tiny bit of time, and that how much I hold onto each one is what really determines their impact. I’m happy to hear that you’re done with this mess!
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 10:43 PM
4

You could have done everything the opposite and ended up in the same or worse position. Don’t look back, you’re not headed that way. Learn from your past and adjust accordingly.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 06:47 PM
2

Hell yeah man. This is what I needed to read. I’m already doing in house separation as well as possible in our tiny 2br apartment. The post you shared has influenced me to stay put regardless of any enticing move out offer.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 05:34 PM
5

I didn’t file (wife did) but agreed to divorce because of the following: Chronic failure to work as partners Financial imbalance Patterns of emotional abuse Emotional abandonment Dead bedroom Even when I buried my head in the sand about most of those things, it was glaringly obvious that we were wasting our time together. We haven’t, and would never accomplish things that are standard for most families in our age/earning group. My advice to anyone thinking about divorce would be to just go ahead…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 05:26 PM
3

Divorce is a business transaction where emotion heavy stuff is used to influence negotiations. She’s behaving exactly how she should be… unfazed with zero transparency on how shes processing things. Sharing emotions is something spouses, partners, and friends do. Engaging emotionally will not help either of you put the next foot forward. Also, her being happy, going greystone, or anything else does not mean she’s found someone else. Don’t dwell on that, the more you’re focusing on her the less y…
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/26 02:17 PM
2

I hear you on latching onto and replaying your bad decisions, I’m there as well. It’s easy to get stuck in that space when the relationship has died, but think of it like you would the death of a person: A person you had a close but complicated relationship dies before you make amends with them. There are no final words to find comfort or forgiveness in. You’re left with what you wish you had said, and the things you wish you had done better. You’re not going to be left thinking of whatever wron…
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 03:47 PM
3

If you were saying son instead of daughter I would have thought I wrote this and forgotten. I’m a step further though…while I stayed where you guys apparently are (trying to find the cheaper easier kinder way) she was actually doing footwork with a lawyer. She never said she was abandoning our idea of going straight to mediation, just went ahead and filed last week. All this to say, don’t get caught off guard. Get a lawyer and start the process. If the cooperative way hasn’t worked since Decembe…
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 11:09 AM
1

You don’t know what you’re going to lose until the settlement is approved. Remember that everything she/her lawyer is presenting is a full force punch…they will always do that and yours should too. It sucks but it’s like negotiating for a car. Each party puts the most raw, steamy pile of shit deal on the table and fights to reach as close to their side of the middle from there. The judge signs off, and even in a pro woman jurisdiction you’ll either get a smidge of sympathy from the judge OR your…
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/26 12:35 PM
14

Everyone says gym, hobbies, self work and it’s all true. The piece I don’t hear much is gratitude. During your times alone focus on how grateful you are to have a kid you miss, how grateful you are to be awake and healthy enough to miss her, and… yes… (if it applies)how grateful you are that she has another parent who is loving and safe enough to care for her when she’s not with you. Embrace missing her (and her mom if it applies) without lamenting. If you were in a marriage that would never wor…
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/26 12:10 PM
2

The general advice is stay put. You will be asked (told) to maintain the status quo in terms of bills, meaning that if you leave you still pay everything you are now. That’s secondary to the more important point… leaving without a formal and notarized parenting plan is a huge risk. It can be used to imply that you were willing to walk away from parenting time. If things are cool keep them cool and wait until you have full lawyer approval to move out. Also, I say a big no to hiring cleaners. You’…
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 10:06 PM
2

I feel for you. I’m in those same shoes as far as living together after declaring we would be divorcing. I actually just got confirmation of filing from her lawyer (a whole nother story). I’ve been suspicious that she’s been seeing someone or someone’s for a month or so now. Strange hours and appointments, a four hour massage 1-1 with a house call male massage therapist at her very private office last week… putting her phone screen down and guilt switching screens when I enter rooms. And Im Not …
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 09:15 PM
7

The sad truth is that as the reality of divorce and its outcomes become more real, the fantasy on what a new life will look like fades heavily. I would be careful and pragmatic on anticipating what a typical person would want versus what you believe she wants right now…there’s always the lurking, very real possibility that she’ll snap out of her avoidant fantasy and go for what she’s essentially entitled to. She does have rights, regardless of the reason for divorce, and hedging everything on he…
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 03:01 PM
1

So funny how this one simple sentence has helped me keep my head up today. You’re right…the words in the complaint are her strategy, this is business and nothing more. The time for taking things personally died with the marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 06:06 PM
4

As many throughout this group will say, the person who asked you for a divorce is not the same person you married. It’s a hard thing to come to terms with but you must. You can accept that and still love her as a fellow traveler for a long stretch of your life, but she’s letting you know that now is the time where your paths take different directions. You have much open road, filled with possibility you can’t even imagine laying ahead of you. I say it’s better to walk it willingly than to stop h…
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 11:05 AM
1

Yes, thank you for putting it this way. In my good moments that’s where my head is at. I don’t even know what she’ll be requesting and in the few talks we had we weren’t terribly far apart. A lawyer negotiated settlement would be great if it could come to that. I guess I’m bracing to hear the worst when I get the actual complaint.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 04:21 AM
2

Pretty much, unofficially. Still sleeping in the same bed too. It hasn’t been ideal but there’s no way in hell I was about to set the precedent of walking away from parenting time and paying bills in an apartment I’m not living in.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 04:17 AM
8

She thinks you don’t realize that overnights are the only measure of time that the courts recognize. She thinks she has a shot at wearing the custody pants while you still do a massive amount of the work AND she collects the maximum amount of child support. Visitation time without overnight becomes limbo before long. Your relationship with the kids still benefits from it, but there’s a lot of stress involved too. Say dropoff is at 9pm (which is insane imo)… kids have done homework, eaten, had le…
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 10:43 PM
1

The parenting plan reads as pretty loose to me. If your kids are older it might work but here’s what stands out: -Mother will have primary custody during vacation weeks unless father can take off… This can get messy. What if you can never take off? Worse, what if you can take off but she wants to take the kids somewhere during that break? Plan this as if you’ll need the document to have your back. -weekly rotation stops during basketball season: Again, it gives room for a fight. At the very leas…
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 03:15 PM
1

I’m almost two months in. Started with a framework you’re leaning towards. Here is what has worked and what has not: Worked: Couples therapy with a focus on decoupling: This was a safe and structured place to talk about goals, next steps, etc. It allowed me to feel like incremental movement was OK because when things were too tense to discuss during the week, I could note them down and save them for the sessions. This was the ONLY place where I could get some transparency on what she intended. S…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 04:47 PM
1

That sounds like a solid choice. Can you share info on the course you found?
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 04:09 PM
1

Oh yes mine is a litigator. I’ve already hired him. My plan wasn’t to go into mediation DIY, it was to prepare for mediation with him, go through mediation, and have him cross check the agreement before we file it. It’s simplified in my mind though… I’m not thinking about financial analysis, discovery, or anything like that. Im picturing us going into mediation, having child centered good will, and walking out with an agreement to present to the lawyers. Thats not reality. The reality is that th…
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 05:24 PM
2

Thank you. It’s been dawning on me that the divorce coaches (all seem to be women) who are advertising sessions on how to keep “the power of decision making” in our hands are A) running a business on selling hope and B) suggesting a model that’s likely reserved to a select few people. I bought into this and it’s where the idea of going straight to mediation came from. The raw facts are in front of me though. She loses nothing while she stalls and I stay put. She can be as venomous as she chooses…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 11:39 PM
1

Thank you. I’m seeing the same light. When she’s balanced it seems worthwhile to keep “amicable” as the goal, but when she’s a raging ball of stress and perimenopause I realize that every day here is another bit of ammunition she’ll stockpile. I’m really close to calling my lawyer and telling him it’s time.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 11:22 PM
1

Honestly, if you accepted that plan in the beginning and she’s wants to honor it now, I would go with keeping it as is. Maintain your documentation, document the recent exchange , indicate that she committed to adhering to it, THEN, if she fails to meet her commitment repeatedly, you move for amendment. You’ll have a clear pattern combined with evidence that you brought it to her attention and her words were not enough to honor the agreement. Pattern+attempted resolution+ return to pattern= you …
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/26 05:37 PM
1

You and I are thinking the same thing. I forgot to add that child is having surgery in April. that’s a major reason that I’m hesitant to risk escalation right now. I think I need to do both things at once though…stop being available when she’s not at work and press on with the legal aspects. I have two months to get us started on mediation and if it’s still the same bullshit I put it in the hands of my lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 03:22 PM
5

I have two sons who have different moms. The older is now 23. I’m in this Reddit because I’m divorcing my younger son’s mom. I never married older son’s mom, but the “co parenting” relationship was hell. I did the shared birthday party once. She put it together and invited me. Let me just say…it was when he turned 3, and he’s never spoken about that party. Not once. We speak about everything. I went to that party despite her boyfriend being there. She “met him” two days after we broke up. Obviou…
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/26 01:47 AM
5

I hear you, and I’ve been in your shoes for 15 years (12 married). We took the divorce path multiple times, and always backtracked. We’re on it more seriously now than we ever have been before (got lawyers, planning logistics, etc…) but over the past week I’ve had those backtracking urges running rampant. If she leaned into me I’d fold in a second. The thing is this… what was a glaring but survivable problem at 34 seemed occasional. The occasional problems became regular by 37. From 37-45 happin…
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/26 01:42 PM
3

I know what you mean, man. I also know that sinking feeling, early into the monologue when you realize the therapist isn’t going to step in, they’re just letting it happen. My advice? Discontinue therapy asap. It willl suck. You’ll feel like the bad guy. You’ll feel like you’re giving evidence for her to use later. Discontinue anyway…here’s why: When we’re forced to sit there and listen to a minutes long monologue (likely filled with distortions unchecked) what happens inside? We hear things we …
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/26 01:39 PM
2

We are going the mediation route as of now. I have slight peace of mind in that, but I don’t for a second have full faith in it working. That being said, the option I took was this: I prepared heavily for a free consultation with the lawyer I liked (research extensively before making that call, know what outcome you want, know the leverage you both have, and know that lawyers will almost always present it as if you have a chance at getting more) Made the call stating explicitly that I was lookin…
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/26 09:57 PM
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