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walkingdisaster4046 Archive

View 16 posts and 460 comments by walkingdisaster4046 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
66

walkingdisaster4046/r/Divorce_Men30/12/21 02:28 AM
29

walkingdisaster4046/r/Divorce_Men24/03/22 02:38 PM
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walkingdisaster4046/r/Divorce_Men10/12/21 02:49 PM
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walkingdisaster4046/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 04:19 PM
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walkingdisaster4046/r/Divorce_Men11/02/23 12:37 AM
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walkingdisaster4046/r/Divorce_Men21/06/22 06:57 PM
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walkingdisaster4046/r/Divorce_Men28/01/21 05:29 AM
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walkingdisaster4046/r/Divorce_Men20/06/21 03:38 AM
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walkingdisaster4046/r/Divorce_Men01/09/21 02:33 PM
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walkingdisaster4046/r/Divorce_Men06/10/22 08:47 PM
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walkingdisaster4046/r/Divorce_Men30/03/23 10:46 PM
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walkingdisaster4046/r/Divorce_Men27/08/21 09:11 PM
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walkingdisaster4046/r/Divorce_Men14/07/25 05:34 PM
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walkingdisaster4046/r/Divorce_Men10/05/21 07:51 PM
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walkingdisaster4046/r/Divorce_Men14/04/22 04:19 PM
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walkingdisaster4046/r/Divorce_Men27/06/21 03:45 AM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
1

Yes. In California it’s called discovery and it comes with income and expense disclosures (county forms) and required evidence (ex: bank statements).
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/25 02:58 AM
1

I pay $7K month in CS for two kids in California. By no means am I a billionaire or millionaire, but I do incredibly well annually. Kudos to Elon for working the system. I’m getting hosed. And yes, I have 50% custody. As others have said, CS calculations vary significantly across states. CA uses 3P software that calculates is called Dissomaster. I heard this is changing, but don’t know what the new formula/approach is.
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/25 02:04 AM
1

Makes sense give she's the one with change of income status. Additionally, her income is imputed. Court doesn't care if/how she makes the money when it comes to support calculations. My inclination is this matter is "not my monkey, not my circus". Will see what attorney says.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 01:27 AM
1

Thanks for input. That was my inclination as well. Given she's already received income imputation and Gavron ruling for judge that mandates she be self supportive in "a reasonable time", I don't think a judge would be sympathetic to her dragging me back to court asking for more money while she's unemployed and capable of work.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 01:25 AM
6

10 years in California is considered “long term” eligible for lifetime spousal support. My source: divorced in California and went to trial over this nonsense for a 12 year marriage. My recommendation do whatever you can to settle outside of court and get a step down in payments spousal support if not an end date to $0. You will not get this in court settlement and have to continually go back for modifications overtime.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/25 02:40 PM
2

Be careful: depending on if you have kids and the state your divorce was settled in this might be considered supplemental income privy to additional child support or modification up in spousal support. It really depends on the state and how your settlement decree was drafted. Hope you protected yourself (ex: non modifiable up if your income increases and still on the hook for spousal support). Congratulations and good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/25 03:33 AM
3

Guess I should by a lottery ticket
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/24 11:53 PM
2

They exist. Diamond in the rough, but do exist. I found an executive with more assets including income and investments. When you find the unicorn hold on tightly. They’re in the wild.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/24 11:17 PM
1

Dammit, I knew better and still wrote general. Lost all Star Wars credibility. Fixed. Thanks
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 10:07 PM
3

“IT’s a TRAP!” - Admiral Ackbar
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 08:09 PM
6

Way more than I care to mention. It’s disgusting.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 12:29 AM
2

Lean in and embrace the emotions. Feel the feels. It does and will get better, but might get worse first. Don’t bottle shit up. Journal, therapy, exercise, sleep and find friends that you can rotate on talking to for additional support. It hurts like hell, but will lesson in due time. Sorry you’re going through this. When you think you’re going through hell keep on going.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/24 08:13 PM
2

CA default is 50/50 unless extenuating circumstances (ex: child abuse, drugs/ alcohol, or your job physically prevents it). If you have your act together should be none issue. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/24 02:27 PM
1

Long story short, a few days before trial she agreed to Judiciary Supervisory Settlement Conference (JSSC), we agreed on imputation including year-over-year compounding interest increasing, got a Gavron ruling issued that she’s expected to (eventually) be self supportive, amount and length of spousal support caps, which included a step down in amount over few years and does have end date to support. Fast forward a year later and she decided to sue me over attorney fees.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/24 11:52 PM
2

Depends on your settlement order. Is it modifiable or non modifiable for spousal support. I believe in most states child support is modifiable at anytime based on change of income. Consult an attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/24 06:40 PM
8

I’m too busy doin the drywall at the new McDonald’s
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/24 01:05 AM
8

I lost 60lbs and have evened out now around 40lbs less, which is healthy. Depression and stages of grief can lead to loss of appetite. The fasting coupled with exercise can lead to massive shedding of pounds. I took advantage of it and angry and lifted weights and walking. Got pretty damn fit and stayed that way. Turn something negative to a positive. Use it as fuel.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/24 10:17 PM
5

Yup. Found over $8k in cash my ex wife hid in the closet tucked away in her bras.
/r/MensRights19/04/24 03:59 AM
1

I’m still waiting on QDRO and written judgement t to come out from trial. Nearing 4 years
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/24 04:26 AM
5

Also for folks just starting this journey it’s important to understand what “done” means in divorce. 1) Legally divorced (not married) 2) Legal and Physical custody resolved (if you have kids) 3) spousal and/or child support resolved 4) division of assets (non retirement including debt) 5) division of retirement accounts via QDRO. Optional fun) attorney fees and expenses settlement. All of these vary by state and your situation, but it can be a nightmare and drag on and on. Keep your mouth shut …
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/24 06:00 AM
4

Congratulations. I’m 4 years in and still waiting on ex and lawyer to sign off on QDRO. At this point, I feel like I have enough knowledge and experience to land a paralegal job.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/24 05:55 AM
1

Do you have temporary support orders in place? This will typically call it out explicitly including coverage for kids for interim period until final stipulation decree.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/24 10:29 PM
4

Don’t miss her, I miss the idea of her and what was a very, very long time ago. She’s no longer that person. I do miss being a nuclear family, my house, and friends we made together. Got to focus on the now and build the life you want to live. The only path is forward not remunerating on the past.
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/24 06:22 PM
1

Ouch that’s rough. In UT is it only modifiable up? Meaning if your income increases does your child support too or is it a fixed rate? Sorry you went through that.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/24 03:36 AM
1

What state are you in and why? In California child support is modifiable especially if you have a change of income due to reasons out of your control like a layoff.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/24 02:16 AM
3

This is the only way. My ex dragged her feet for 3 years. Two days before trial she was ready to negotiate.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/24 05:11 AM
9

I feel this. It really stings to see her continue on the family traditions I initiated and we did, trips and memories I planned, and hang out with the same friends. She just continues to rinse and repeat. I’ve made it a point to start over and build new traditions and memories with the kids. The loss of friends and life is hard. Just got to keep working on you, rebuilding, and forging the new life you want. I’m nearly 4 years in and still working on it.
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/24 07:15 PM
1

I see. Makes sense. Initially, I inpretted your comment “adds length” literally vs the perception of bigger Johnson.
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/24 03:47 PM
4

He’s a grower not a shower.
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/24 05:34 AM
2

What - source please?
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/24 05:33 AM
2

$1.5M and counting
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/24 08:31 PM
1

It’s call the Dissomaster. It’s a proprietary calculator the state uses. License for the software is $50 for mobile app per tax uear
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/23 12:37 AM
2

You’re going to get through this. I’ve been there a fought lifetime support. See my other comments above. DM if you need to chat more.
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/23 12:34 AM
1

Be careful with quiting voluntarily. The court can see that as trying to sabotage support payment and impute your income for what you’re capable of making even if you don’t have a job forcing you to still pay support. In other words you’d better get fired or laid off before quitting on your own.
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/23 12:33 AM
1

California court does not set an end date to alimony. Thus, people say “lifetime”. The reality is you can ask for a “step down” over the years and eventually have the alimony step down to $0. This is realistic. Also see my other comments above on levers you can pull: vocational evaluation and Gavron Warning. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/23 12:30 AM
5

Yup. It’s called a vocational evaluation. The court can impute her income to what she’s capable of making if she were to get off her ass and apply herself. If you go to trial there’s also a series of questions that account for how much in spousal support and what’s reasonable state of your ex to work. Google family code 4320. Lastly, you can file a Gavron Warning where to judge/court pushing ex to take reasonable steps to get work and be self supportive. Any lawyer worth their salt should walk y…
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/23 12:27 AM
2

Agreed. That’s the hardest part. It’s a big shift in emotions, physicality and focus. I’m 2-2-5-5 and hate it. It’s a lot of back and forth for the kids. They’re old enough for week-on-off, but ex wife refuses.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/23 07:11 PM
1

Typically, it’s date filed for divorce (served), but if both parties agree on another date or you feel you have strong evidence that proves otherwise from date served you can push for it. If not or disputed and unresolved judge will likely pick date filed/served.
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/23 02:57 PM
2

Date of separation is considered date one party legally filed for divorce and served aka the date the parities separated from one another, but not officially divorced. Check your state’s rules, but that’s what it is in California and I believe majority of not all in USA.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/23 07:39 PM
1

There’s a difference in date of separation and date QDRO executed. The date executed for QDRO will look at market value across accounts and equalize accordingly based on the final judgement, which will split asset 50-50 for community property based on date of separation . Meaning, if you had a $100K 401K that you acquired during marriage she’s entitled to half. When QDRO runs that account maybe worth more or less than $100K. Depending on how much she had, let’s say $50K in her 401K then you’d ha…
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/23 02:16 PM
4

Depends on your state, but almost certain it’s based on date of separation for valuation and distribution of assets. If you or she are not contributing to 401K that’s only hurting the individual given it’s not considered community asset post date of separation. Confirm with your lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/23 08:04 PM
3

Depends on wording of your divorce decree (final judgement). Any lawyer worth their salt should include section noting all matters resolved, no further inquiries/requests… both parties fully understand what that means in signing off on the decree. Typically, loop holes are closed up to avoid this. If that’s your case tell her to pound sand or simply ignore her.
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/23 08:02 PM
2

California is no fault divorce state. It doesn’t matter. Everything split 50-50 debts and assets (considered community property ).
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/23 05:59 AM
2

You can always take another swing at mediation, but in my experience it’s a waste of time if one party isn’t willing to negotiate in good faith. Not sure if your state supports it, but you should ask about a Judiciary Supervised Settlement Conference (JSSC). It’s like mediation, but with a judge and if you reach an agreement it’s binding (similar to arbitration). What’s nice about JSSC is it’s still an open negotiation, but judge will tell parties how likely it would be ruled in a trial and hold…
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/23 07:40 PM
4

Damn, I’m sorry. This hits home. I had similar experience when a family member was killed in hit and run. I opened up to my ex about coping with the grief and she was completely dismissive and tone deaf. Not a drop of empathy let alone sympathy. It’s for the better we’re divorced, and I hope you’re getting the love and support you deserve.
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/23 06:23 PM
2

I feel you. Sorry you’re going through this. Divorce is nightmare that seems to keep on giving, especially if you have kids involved and have to deal with contentious ex/relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 11:08 PM
1

It’s not county based. It’s California state law, family code 4336. This isn’t hearsay from a friend. I am wrapping up a 3+ divorce and have experienced exactly this in CA. My point is the law in California notes 10+ years is long-term marriage. From there on out it’s all subjective to the judge, as you note, who bases this on family code 4320. It’s a shit show and a gamble. You're right, it's up to the judge and their own interpretation, but the law is very clear that 10 year duration opens you…
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/23 11:09 PM
1

Incorrect. It’s 10+ years in California considered a long-term marriage. After that there is no end date to spousal support that the court will apply. Instead you have to ask for a step down in payments to $0 dollars over a period of time. To determine length and amount of spousal support the court (judge) will apply family code 4320, which looks at things like person’s employment history, education, etc. in considering the order for spousal support. And yes, just bc someone is entitled for life…
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/23 01:39 PM
7

Absolutely this - leave before you hit 6 months residency and she can legally file in CA. Go back to WA and maintain status quo. If she files in CA you’ll get hammered in with spousal support duration. She can ask for lifetime support with no end date if you’re married more than 10 years in California. It’s considered a “long term marriage” and it’s a bitch. Washington states long term is 20+ year length for lifetime spousal support; otherwise, it’s a 4:1 ratio (1 year of support for 4 years of …
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/23 04:29 AM
3

It’s not only SAHM. My ex has multiple advanced degrees, is severely under employed, and i pay significant alimony due to make lion share of income. 2-3 years is more than sufficient for her to become self sufficient given no gap in employment. State of CA deems otherwise with me paying for a well, educated, fully functional adult.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/23 02:15 PM
2

Took me over 3 years with ex delaying delaying delaying. I even filed for trial 1 year in and she managed to delay 2+ more. File for trial ASAP press on judge with brief explaining why, what steps you’ve already taking and why the other party is not negotiating in good faith. I see you filed for trial. Good first step. Don’t let her or attorney make excuses and drag you back to mediation. Failure to do so will drag on in duration and can be financially, emotionally, and physically draining.
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/23 05:25 PM
1

In my experience CA will default to 50/50 unless there is something egregious putting children at risk and/or ability to parent (ex: substance or physical abuse). Judges tend to lean into keeping fathers engaged j. Their children’s life. At least that was my experience.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/23 06:03 PM
15

You got to let go of what could have been and focus on what is. It’s unhealthy to ruminate. You can’t change the past in how you got here, but you can shape the future. Create the life you want and don’t look back. Fuck her.
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/23 08:56 PM
3

Depends if spousal support agreement is non modifiable. Important to call out modifiable only down (pay less if your income goes down) and a cap to not exceed if your income goes up.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/23 06:30 AM
1

If you live in a community property state she’ll get 50% of everything regardless if she earned it or you did. Anything earned while you were married is considered “community property”. Anything earned prior to marriage or after date of separation, which is considered date served/file, is considered separate property.
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/23 11:23 PM
1

Credit card, savings from sale of house and will have to borrow for upcoming trial. It’s awful
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/23 07:21 PM
3

Perhaps if both parties are willing to negotiate in good faith; otherwise, it’s a complete waste of time, money, and energy.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/23 02:51 PM
2

I can relate. I’m 3+ years in awaiting trial end of summer. I’ve lost so much financially, emotionally and physically it’s soul crushing. Focus on what you can control and take it day by day.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/23 12:08 AM
6

The opposing counsel should not be demanding nor communicating directly with you. They need to go through your attorney. This sounds like request for documents (RFD) from opposing council that is a fishing expedition. You don’t have to provide what the other party is requesting, but you do need to respond. This is quite typical especially in a contentious divorce. Review the requested items and you can object just like your attorney deflected as too “broad and unnecessarily burdensome “. Simply …
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/23 09:29 PM
2

Congratulations on very shortly being free and clean of spousal support.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/23 05:52 PM
3

I feel you. I’m in a similar position and haven’t seem to dig out. Wish I had answers.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/23 07:12 PM
2

I’m in CA and getting hosed. Friend just went thru divorce in TX and this is absolutely correct. TX for the win.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/23 02:32 AM
1

Sorry to hear the shit you’ve trudge through. Hope you and the kids have brighter days ahead.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/23 07:43 PM
2

The success or failure of a marriage is 50% each party’s responsibility. It takes two to get married and one to file for divorce. Taking all the blame or casting it on the other is usually a lost opportunity to learn from your mistakes, take ownership of what role you played in the marriage and grow. Take it all and blaming yourself is self flagellation. Don’t be a simp. Own the role you played good and bad, learn and move on.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/23 05:55 PM
2

Start with her father. Does she have a loving secure relationship with him? Does she have self respect? How many people has she slept with? Does she value money, earning it and managing approximately? Does she demonstrate emotional restraint, self discipline? Does she treat people with respect regardless of money, job title, status? How do you to argue/fight - respectfully or does she attack you as a person versus the action itself? Those are just starters. Good luck and remember there is no one…
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/23 04:32 PM
1

3.5 years in and $250K still not settled. Depends on entitlement, greed, slew of emotions. Keep your mouth shut and treat it like a business negotiation. Even still you cannot negotiate with yourself if the other parent doesn’t in good faith. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/23 05:30 AM
2

Which option maintains the status quo ensuring stability for the kids with limited change?
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/23 04:28 AM
3

Exactly. Put the oxygen mask on yourself first before attending others.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/23 09:44 PM
1

Too much contact with the ex or children? If ex why do you have contact vs kids solely being dropped off at house ex stays in car at curb.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/23 12:55 AM
2

Well said. I needed to read/hear this. Thank you.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/23 12:48 AM
5

Depends on the state, but usually if he paid for her student loans <10 years from completion of degree he can get reimbursed. Talk to your lawyer OP.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/23 03:07 AM
3

You don’t need a gym. Just get a good pair of shoes, use your body weight for resistance and discipline to move your body in some shape/form regularly. I focused starting very slow with compound exercises: walking and squats with my body weight then moved to push ups and crunches then flex arm hand to pull ups. I also got a weighted jump rope. Fast forward 9 months into effort and I lost 75 lbs and kept it off. Don’t forgot to get consistent, uninterrupted sleep.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/23 12:57 AM
4

True. I miss the idea of her and our marriage. The reality is it was never meant to be. Only way is forward.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/23 02:16 PM
3

Not happening if you have kids and shared custody.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/23 07:16 AM
3

Downside: existing said people are Mormon and no legal weed. I’m guessing land/home value maybe more affordable, but I haven’t checked.
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/23 04:27 AM
3

If you’re into bar/food/music scene and swing a dead cat hitting women Austin is great. Lived there for 20 years. It’s a liberal oasis. Be prepared if you’re in or not into that. Not much for outdoors and weather sucks.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/23 10:07 PM
3

Go north and check out Carlsbad or any other surf town 15-30 minutes north of SD (ex: Ocean Beach/side, Encinitas, Solana, etc). It’s great.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/23 10:05 PM
2

It’s a small college town with western Washington university. Good breweries and skiing in Mt Baker, but you’ll be bored real fast and the weather is brutal unless you enjoy being deprived of vitamin d
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/23 10:03 PM
3

So why UT then?
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/23 10:01 PM
9

Is your ex-wife your mother? Nope. Move on.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/23 01:17 AM
1

You accept the situation for what it is, feel all the emotions, and focus on what you can control, which is you + kids well being & how you respond. You redirect the pain, anger, grief, remorse, etc. and you focus that energy on you and your kids. Build a better version of yourself. You cannot change the past, but you can learn from it to shape a better future now. Just take one step at a time. It does get better if you’re willing to put in the work.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/23 12:41 AM
15

I feel this. My ex-wife has a bs, two masters, and a PhD, but yet makes less than a floor manager at Panda Express. She is lazy, entitled, and lacks a modicum of courage to try anything.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/23 06:14 PM
3

Congratulations. Happy to hear/see others reaching a close of this chapter in their lives and seeking solace. Cheers to new beginnings.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/23 09:25 PM
2

This is crushing. I’m really sorry to hear this. I hope someone here has experience in Illinois to correct this. If what you say is true this is utter bullshit and I feel for you. Hang in there
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/23 02:14 AM
2

Sound approach. Remember to breathe and move your body. This is a lot to process and manage. You got this.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/23 09:06 PM
3

I’m nearly 3 years in to a contentious divorce. It can get ugly very quickly especially when one party is being completely unreasonable, not negotiating in good faith, entitled and attempting to milk every last dollar from me. Don’t screw around. Find a good lawyer, get a strategy in place and determine what hills are truly worth dying on vs letting go and settling sooner rather than later. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/23 05:57 PM
1

The woman you marry is not the woman you divorce. Also sometimes a judge will order it like in my case.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/23 01:54 PM
1

This is correct. Keep in mind it could be subjected to support depending on your spousal support order. For example a Smith-Ostler order does subject a percentage of additional “bonus” income to to be awarded as support. Be careful and consult your attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/23 08:23 PM
1

Depends on state. In California they’re called arrearages. Make sure you keep diligent records of what you’ve paid for to get reimbursed by her or you’ll end up paying double (conversed already in past and get slapped with arrearages).
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/23 06:53 PM
2

That if I was entering into it with an entitled, unreasonable party that is unwilling to negotiate in good faith I would have saved myself thousands of dollars and time.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/23 05:09 AM
14

Depends…has she been married before, does she have a healthy relationship with her father, is she a fully functional adult that can provide for herself? People have different priorities and focus their energy into different needs/wants during the course of their life. Not everyone needs to be married and with children by 30.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/23 04:50 AM
2

What fucking tip? You seem to be in a well adjusted marriage, assumed to both be content, and financially well off. Move along, enjoy what you have, don’t take each other for granted and stay present in the moment.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/23 04:46 AM
1

I had same experience. Judge didn’t bother reading briefs or evidence. Was a total waste of time and money.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/23 06:29 AM
2

Definitely not California. If you’re the breadwinner be prepared to have your wallet pulled out through your ass over here. From a length of spousal support Seattle seems pretty good 3x1 based years married to support. “Long term “ marriage is considered around 20 years vs 10 in CA.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/23 05:31 AM
3

I’m in a similar situation, but dragging on nearly 3 years. Curious to hear how it turns out for you. Good luck tomorrow!
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/23 05:24 AM
0

rent an equivalent residence no matter the cost Thanks for sharing. Can you expand more on why your lawyer pushed for that? My guess is to demonstrate “need” on income.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/23 02:02 AM
3

I’m not finished, yet. Trial is looming. No, I was not consulted. They try to avoid biasing the evaluator with the other party. That said, my lawyer was consulted on my behalf. She delayed interviewing as long as possible to keep collecting temporary support, which is significantly more than permanent spousal. She didn’t like the result and subpoena the evaluator to question them, which was theatrics and a giant waste of time and money. We now have trial coming up. My lawyer feels confident the …
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/23 03:49 PM
3

Yes, I’ve done it. Cost is inline with mine in CA. The vocational evaluator will review her resume, interview her, and do market analysis to determine range of salary and/or matching job opportunities (if not working or under employed). It should hold up in court and allows you to impute her income meaning even if she doesn’t make that amount all support calculations will be based off of it bc she’s capable of making it but chooses not to. This is big if she’s underemployed and refusing to work …
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/23 04:42 AM
7

If at all possible got to make sure spousal support is only modifiable down and has an end date.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/23 05:07 AM
3

I’m in this shit show with you all. She’s asking for lifetime spousal support for a 12 year marriage. She’s worked the entire marriage with no gap in employment. Give me a break. Trial is going to obliterate my savings but not as much as paying an entitled adult-child the rest of my life.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/23 06:05 AM
2

Judge made us go back to mediation 3 times (she bailed on one) now with supervised judicial settlement coming up. I have a trial date set, but ex claims she’ll negotiate in good faith at settlement w judge. Where the hell was that last 3x and numerous offers I’ve made? Im sure our exes would be BFF burning thru money together. Ridiculous. I just want to move on with me life.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/23 03:00 AM
2

If it’s any consolation I’m also in six figures and 2.75 years going thru a nightmare divorce with someone who is entitled, unrealistic and makes zero concessions to remotely meet anywhere near the middle. Headed to trial. This will conclude at some point. Hang in there.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/23 11:50 PM
10

Entitled Monster
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/23 08:28 PM
6

Nothing. If you haven’t already you will and continue to give so much financially. You give her nothing that is not required by the courts. If you have kids give them a budget and the cash to purchase something on their behalves. Model good behavior for them and their relationship with their mother. That’s it.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/23 07:37 PM
4

One more dimension to add to categories one: during and post divorce if you have kids and co/parallel-parenting during and after a contentious divorce can be incredibly challenging for everyone including the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/23 04:24 PM
2

Completely agree. Focus one day at a time and put your mental and physical health/well being at the forefront.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/23 09:18 PM
4

This is exactly what I’ve been dealing with for 2.75 years. Not only does she want half in alimony she wants it for life for a 12 year marriage. Ridiculous. Trial is coming at end of summer. Can’t be resolved soon enough.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/23 07:26 PM
2

That.is.amazing. Kudos to you for not giving up and seeing it thru. At this point her entitlement, ignorance and at times malintent coupled with arrogance fuel me. Thank you for sharing and happy it worked out for you. You gave me a boast. Appreciate it.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/23 03:03 AM
1

I’m not sure if this is the same with open mediation but sounds like it. She’s agreed to Judiciary Supervised Settlement Conference (JSSC) with the judge prior to trial. I believe the information discussed here is not confidential and is available to judge at trial. If she acts unreasonable, again, with asks then they’ll be a paper trail. I hope it motivates her to negotiate in good faith, but difficult to see how given I’ve tried mediation 3X albeit this time is with a judge.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/23 05:35 PM
1

Early 40s. I’ve used this as an opportunity to grow. Over the last 3 years of this, I’ve lost 75lbs, learned how to not just manage but thrive as a single father while juggling a demanding job, journal, therapy, meditate and work on myself learning how to love and forgive. That said, when one is under immense stress for a multi year period it wears you down. I’ve dealt with serious physical and mental health challenges and it’s difficult at this point to stay positive especially when I’m still o…
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/23 04:42 PM
1

I realize it’s not that far; however, when you already this deep in and have another 7 months to go it’s deflating. I feel like I’ve backslid with poor sleep and diet due to stress and anxiety. For nearly 3 years I’ve been managing stress: exercise, sleep, diet, meditation, no drugs, minimal alcohol. Now, I’m struggling and back to basics. I’d like to travel, but been holding off on spending a lot of money. I have been doing car trips driving. To national parks, which is fantastic.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/23 04:36 PM
3

I fired my former attorney last summer. I like the new one. They do a great job not bullshitting me, been excellent in hearings so far and minimizing cost. The challenge is they’re super busy and I have to project manage em to stay on top of shit. It compounds when my ex doesn’t respond or comply with anything.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/23 06:40 AM
2

That’s fantastic. I’m fairly confident she doesn’t want to go to trial m, but will drag this out to the last minute
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/23 02:43 AM
1

And 26 years, give me a break. What was your final settlement with the judge?
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/23 02:34 AM
4

I did. I requested a trial 1.5 years ago and got sent back by the judge to try mediation, again. I just had a hearing recently and got court date for trial, finally, but it’s not until this summer.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/23 02:33 AM
1

I hear you about the kids. I just keep showing up with love and support knowing one day they’ll put it together. Sorry to hear about your ex and the living situation. I did 4 months under the same roof when the divorce started and it was one of the worst experiences I’ve had to date.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/23 02:32 AM
1

Glad you got thru relatively unscathed. I’ve made three separate generous settlement offers. Tried mediation 3 times (she didn’t show up for one), and this drags on and on while I’m trying to get to trial. It’s fucking exhausting.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/23 12:59 AM
3

Looks like it caps at 10 years of alimony. Consult an attorney for specific details of you case. “If the marriage lasted for at least 20 years but less than 30 years, the award may not remain in effect for more than seven years. If the marriage has lasted for 30 years or more, the spousal maintenance award may not remain in effect for more than 10 years” https://texaslawhelp.org/article/spousal-maintenance-alimony#:~:text=If%20the%20marriage%20lasted%20for%20at%20least%2020%20years%20but,for%20m…
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/23 12:43 AM
9

Unfortunately, those of us with share child custody. It’s an ongoing hell that some have to live with.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/23 02:35 AM
5

I’m in the same boat and fighting her claims for lifetime support. In CA with 12 yo of marriage. Considered “long term”. She won’t get the lifetime support given she’s a fully functional, educated adult with no lapse in employment, but it’s just insult to injury to go to trial over this and everything else.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/23 01:29 AM
2

Details likely vary by state and you should consult an attorney. In CA at least, a proposed settlement needs to be filed with the court and signed by judge for final judgement/order, which would include the dissolution of marriage and division of assets. Without it you’re still legally married. I have no idea if or what the statute of limitations is. If the filing form hasn’t changed and it gets filed with the court at a later date, I don’t see why the date both parties signed it matters unless …
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/23 06:42 AM
2

Congratulations and fuck you (jealous :-)Good to see others make it relatively unscathed. Relish this moment. You dodged a huge bullet. Live your best life and enjoy the gift.
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/22 04:55 AM
3

She gets nothing. You have or will like give her more than you ever wanted. If you have kids and want to set a good example then taking them shopping for their mother. No more no less.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/22 05:56 AM
1

Yes. Get an attorney asap. Protect yourself and your relationship with your children. Do not pass go. Get an attorney now!
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/22 02:13 AM
1

Alternative steak drenched in butter in cast iron and mashed potatoes. It never lets me down
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/22 03:27 PM
1

Instapot diced chicken, broccoli, onions, garlic, peppers, and cucumbers via salt/olive oil. Quick, easy and healthy.
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/22 03:26 PM
1

I love making chili on my instant pot and agree. It’s super easy and relatively clean. If you’re into meat it’s fun to explore different options like elk, venison, turkey, beef and spices. Don’t forgot the cocoa.
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/22 03:24 PM
2

Gotcha. Didn’t realize it was limited to retro jus toast 3 years of child’s life. Mine was in relation to last year only. Thanks for sharing.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/22 01:25 AM
1

I documented everything including statements and forensic accounting certified it. Without a formal agreement/stipulation it That won’t prohibit a judge from ordering arrearages regardless of what you previously paid. Until there’s an agreement court ordered I wouldn’t pay anything to avoid double paying. Consult your attorney
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/22 08:00 PM
1

That doesn’t prevent a court order and arrearages. In short I did something similar and continued paying community expenses without court order. I got slapped with child and spousal support arrearages and judge said to go work out with her reimbursement back to me for previous community expenses I paid earlier. Of course she’s refusing and I have to go back to court to recoup. Without a court stipulation of the agreement he could run the risk of double paying and fighting to recoup after arreara…
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/22 07:35 PM
1

You missed a third scenario: she goes to court and gets an order which includes child support arrearages for back pay. It can and does happen in CA. Consult and attorney to be sure, this is exactly what happened to me. Whatever you do don’t pay unless there’s an court order including if you two work it out get a judge to recognize/sign the agreement/stipulation.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/22 07:20 PM
2

Questions to consider for interviewing lawyer that you may find helpful: 1) What percentage of cases have been resolved in mediation, collaborative law, arbitration or trial? Do they work towards compromise or fight in court. 2) How many cases are you currently handling? Will signal if overloaded and you maybe an after thought or limited availability. 3) What is the expectation on communication (when, frequency, channel)? What is expect time to respond by lawyer? Don’t want to sit around and get…
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/22 03:09 AM
1

Depends on the state, but basically if there’s a disparity in income or assets that limit the other party from paying their legal fees and costs then likely the other party with more funds will foot the bill. Your mileage will vary per state and judge. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/22 02:57 AM
1

This is exactly my case. Headed to trial this week fighting it.
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/22 02:55 AM
2

When you file for divorce you will be asked for a date of separation of the marriage that the court will use. The. Opposing party can contest it if they don’t agree. Typically the date of separation is based on the date you file, but not always. You and your STBX may agree or disagree on when the date is. Some states note it as when you physically separate and/or no sexual intimacy. Talk it over with your lawyer on when you think that date is that you two separated before you file.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/22 05:17 AM
2

Depends on your state, but it’s typically date of separation aka date you file with the court. If you sell something it’s still community property meaning she’s entitled to half. Post date separation the money you make is your property (post any support due to wife or child).
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/22 07:44 PM
1

I’m following similar path in the Bay Area. Hopefully can settle by spring next year, purchase in summer or late fall next year (assuming some significant home price declines) on a 7 year ARM and refinance in 3-6 years.
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/22 02:22 PM
6

Completely agreed. OP you’re seeking answers you will likely never get from her. You have to seek acceptance and forgiveness in yourself. You cannot change the past, but you can learn from it and grow being a better version of yourself. The sooner you come to terms with that the better. It is incredibly difficult, but overtime it can get easier to accept and let go. I’m 2.5 years into a contentious divorce and I still find her time to time taking up real estate in my head. That’s not healthy. Ov…
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/22 12:06 AM
3

Questions to consider for lawyer that you may find helpful: 1) What percentage of cases have been resolved in mediation, collaborative law, arbitration or trial? Do they work towards compromise or fight in court. 2) How many cases are you currently handling? Will signal if overloaded and you maybe an after thought or limited availability. 3) What is the expectation on communication (when, frequency, channel)? What is expect time to respond by lawyer? Don’t want to sit around and get no response …
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/22 07:33 PM
1

That sounds horrible. I’m sorry you’re going through it. It can be soul crushing. I feel like I’ve been running on empty or cortisol due to stress for 3 years even prior to the filing. Hang in there and I hope you get a closure sooner than later.
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/22 05:36 PM
2

Damn, my condolences. I’m 2.5 years in and headed to trial. I’m exhausted in negotiating with myself while she collects an insane amount temporary support. What’s the hold up on your side?
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/22 02:57 AM
1

This guy gets it. I was two years in. Fired my attorney and new one is kicking ass and has trial date setup just few months after taking on my case. If needed get a status conference with the judge to discuss and request trial, or file for it. A good lawyer will take care of you, a bad one will bankrupt you. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/22 11:19 PM
18

Same experience with three toxic friends all divorced, shitty people encouraging her.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/22 11:56 PM
2

Thanks. I’ll research on my side on level of effort and form(s).
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/22 12:50 AM
2

That seems expensive. Are you engaging lawyer for each court order violation or filing yourself?
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/22 12:44 AM
2

I was referring to time to respond to inform FROR, but didn’t clarify. I don’t know about your experience, but ORDERED vs reality is a big difference. I don’t hold my breath for my ex to follow court orders. I track and document it, but the reality is a constant struggle getting her to abide by it.
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/22 10:49 PM
2

Not sure what you mean by number or hours before engaged. It’s at the discretion of the custodial parent to inform the other and engage it. For my plan it’s based on overnight. In other words if you cannot watch your child overnight it’s your responsibility to give the first right of refusal for the other parent the option to watch the child on your behalf and vice versa. If you know you cannot watch the child during your custody ask the other parent. I typically give them 24-48 hours to respond…
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/22 10:00 PM
3

I have trial on spousal support coming up. Need to get that settled been dragging on for 2.5 years. I won’t leave my kids, but I can’t afford to support two separate households in California. Something will have to give. My hope is that once permanent settlement is in place she feels the financial squeeze too and will try to agree on moving somewhere with a lower cost of living. I’m not going to count on it. Will likely have to downsize to small townhome and cut expenses as much as possible. Sad…
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/22 02:35 AM
3

Tell me about it. I would have never agreed to move to California had I known the divorce laws and be hit with them immediately upon establishing residence. It’s gross. The entire family court system is a disgusting money making industry that needs to be completely reformed.
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/22 02:32 AM
2

Safe journeys. Hope you find what you’re looking for in life.
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/22 02:30 AM
3

Oh, man, if I didn’t have kids I’d be out of the country in a heart beat. I feel trapped. The break even makes a lot of sense. Given she gets a huge chunk what’s the point of killing yourself making more. The return on investment isn’t there. I said meditation, but I do take meds for anti anxiety and depression. I’ve gotten off SSRIs. They made me feel like shit. I mostly stick to supplements, plenty of sleep, shit ton of exercise and breathing. I do enjoy a beverage or THC here and there, but t…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/22 11:44 PM
8

You got me in the feels on this one. I’m 2.5 years in down over $1M. Everything got blown up: home ownership, early retirement, sense of self. I now struggle to pay bills and support while she globe trots around and sits on her ass. Trying to keep my head up, but keeping hope and staying positive is a daily struggle. Only thing that seems to help right now is exercise and meditation. We moved and got divorced during the pandemic. It’s been a real struggle to connect and make friends. You’re not …
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/22 04:44 PM
1

I couldn’t agree more. Thanks for sharing and stay strong.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/22 03:35 AM
5

Rising Phoenix podcast: men rising up from divorce I’m a listen
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/22 06:18 AM
4

Agree. Unless you’ve got a small fortune you’ll suddenly come into or you’re going to abandon your family, I’d think long and hard on whether it’s salvageable. I’d never give up my kids, but I also wouldn’t be keen on raising them in a van down by the river.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/22 04:28 PM
1

I’m in that latter camp. My STBXW is entitled and incredibly unrealistic with asks and negation. Ex: wants life time spousal support for 12 year marriage. We’re headed to trial. So no, not all divorces are amicable especially when you can’t negotiate with yourself. Good luck out there.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/22 09:59 PM
3

Absolutely. Establish boundaries and hold to them. Don’t cave/fall on your sword to appease another party if it compromises you (ex: financial settlement, living situation etc). I’ve seen in negotiation it’s an anchoring tactic to make extreme and unreasonable requests. Just getting half way past that is a win for the other part. Hold to your principles and what matters most to you. Don’t compromise and focus on what you can control, which is you and how you choose to response to bullshit she’ll…
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/22 10:54 PM
4

That’s the positive redirection for me. I pour it into fitness and healthy living. I think it grinds her gears that I’m 75lbs lighter and look like I’m in my early 20s. Revenge can be subtle and sweet working on yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/22 05:41 PM
6

Wow. That is a ridiculous giant, stinky, pile of horseshit. What state?
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/22 05:38 PM
4

I applaud you. That’s a hell of a journey and struggle. I’m 2.5 years in making similar payments and it’s soul crushing. I’m still awaiting trial to get permanent spousal support set. Hopefully, I’m capped at 7 years for 12 year marriage, but it’s California so all bets are off.
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/22 05:37 PM
1

Appreciate it. Sent you DM. Thanks.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/22 07:14 PM
2

Ugh, I’m sorry. I’m 2+ years in high conflict over spousal support. Kids are doing well. I’m filing for bifurcation shortly. Okay if I DM you a couple of questions?
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/22 05:44 AM
11

You cannot force someone to love you and want to stay married. If she is checked out and lost respect for you it’s over. I know this is difficult to hear, but I’ve learned this the hard way. If she wants out let her. Maintain your dignity and give her what she wants.
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/22 06:55 PM
3

I had similar experience. Like everyone mentioned I’ll double down. Exercise to exhaustion, meditate, journal, avoid substances and especially alcohol before sleeping, no blue light at least 2 hours before bed, drink water regularly and by bedside, stick with regular schedule and try to get at least 8 hours. You may also consider an evening walk during sunset or just after. With the shift in natural UV light your body should natural kick in melatonin to make you sleepy. If you’re still strugglin…
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/22 07:44 PM
3

Me too, brother. I learned the hard way, and want to pay it forward.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/22 07:57 PM
11

Questions to consider for lawyer that you may find helpful: 1) What percentage of cases have been resolved in mediation, collaborative law, arbitration or trial? Do they work towards compromise or fight in court. 2) How many cases are you currently handling? Will signal if overloaded and you maybe an after thought or limited availability. 3) What is the expectation on communication (when, frequency, channel)? What is expect time to respond by lawyer? Don’t want to sit around and get no response …
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/22 05:25 AM
3

You can get this completed via legal zoom or any online template for cheap and have it notarized at a bank. No need for an attorney to draft a will and living will (power of attorney).
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/22 09:17 PM
2

Doesn’t an executor of an estate and designated individual in a living will (power of attorney) address two of the three you called out (no marriage required). The tax benefits are relative and, as already called out, you pay more in divorce. There are other options for minimizing tax burden over marriage. Lastly, healthcare a lot of states and companies recognize (life partners) for coverage while not requiring a legal marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/22 09:14 PM
2

We’re in the same boat. It makes me sick. Life goes on.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/22 06:20 PM
1

Document everything especially if you are or continue to pay for community expenses including her and kids prior to any formal order. If you’re paying for the household(s) she’s benefiting from you may be entitled to reimbursement (ex: rent/mortgage, utilities, insurance, groceries, etc.)
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/22 06:11 PM
1

CA based too. I recommend you download the CFLR Dissomaster software (free for trial) and work the numbers yourself to optimize best you can BEFORE wasting time and money with the lawyer. It's available on iOS for $50 per year you want to file/run the dissomaster on, or just download the Windows 30 day free trial and save the money.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/22 06:13 PM
3

My point exactly, but my internet sarcasm was off. Should have said “some people try not to think”. constitutional rights need not apply. Fuck divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/22 02:39 AM
8

I try not to look at it as indentured servitude, but…..
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/22 09:16 PM
2

Happy to help. I learned the hard way and wasted an immense amount of money, time and frustration on my first lawyer before I fired them.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/22 04:39 AM
4

Questions to consider for lawyer that you may find helpful: 1) What percentage of cases have been resolved in mediation, collaborative law, arbitration or trial? Do they work towards compromise or fight in court. 2) How many cases are you currently handling? Will signal if overloaded and you maybe an after thought or limited availability. 3) What is the expectation on communication (when, frequency, channel)? What is expect time to respond by lawyer? Don’t want to sit around and get no response …
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/22 11:32 PM
2

I’m 2+ years in and it’s dragged on painfully too long. Are children and custody involved? Are you two in a decent state of communication and willing to compromise in a negotiation? If so mediation could expedite things, but given you mentioned you’ve gotten zero response to your counter I’m doubtful. Best path is to get all finances accounted for an verified via a forensic accountant, work out property division, and just file for a trial. The vast majority of cases, 95%, settle before trial. Pe…
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/22 02:07 AM
1

I’m over $200K in due to run arounds, delays, subject matter experts and a poor attorney that milked me like a fool.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/22 05:35 AM
2

Shitty attorney I fired, she’s delayed ever step of the way, and judge ordered to go back to mediation 3x. Have upcoming status hearing to put this to rest and get a date for trial.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/22 01:34 AM
3

Well said. Integrity, transparency and candor are key guiding principles for me. I have to remember that she threw all that out of the window and lacked self awareness. It’s not what someone says, but what they do. Together 15 years, married 12. Just bc a relationship has been around for a long duration it doesn’t mean it’s healthy. I just need to stay patient and work through the legal system to a conclusion.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/22 09:33 PM
2

I did two months living with STBXW after being served. It was miserable with nowhere to escape due to COVID lockdown. I can only imagine how difficult 12 months was. Glad to hear you’re in a much better place.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/22 07:51 PM
5

It’s been an emotionally difficult day for me. Thank you. I needed this.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/22 04:37 PM
7

Establish what your boundaries are with your brother and stick to them. Let him know you’re there to help support him within reason (ex: you can stay with me X days then you need a plan to return home and for next steps).
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/22 08:06 PM
1

Yes. Everything is up in the air until judgement aka final decree aka the settlement. Important to note some settlements can be denoted as modifiable or non modifiable meaning it can possibly change or not. Recommend you at least have an attorney review it and advise.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/22 08:40 PM
2

I’m two years into a contentious divorce and feel your case is very similar to mine. I’m happy for you reaching closer and moving on with your life. All the best.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/22 11:39 PM
1

Even through California doesn’t support a termination date you can set a date for zero payment. It’s a workaround to the no termination with a wind down, but finite limit on when you stop paying her based on the settlement clause, assuming non modifiable up (no increase in support but modifiable down). I’m CA based and working through similar issue currently.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/22 04:12 PM
2

This is the way. California here, 2 years into contentious divorce, this is your lever. Pull it. If she refuses to agree to eval have your lawyer file a motion to require it. If what you’ve said is true it should be a none issue to get it approved.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/22 04:39 AM
3

Good on you. Glad to hear that. I saved for kids college for 11 years now I can’t bc of her. Sucks.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/22 01:04 AM
1

For those doing side hustle is your support payment capped? For me I’m not interested, yet, bc she’d just end up taking nearly 50% of any extra income I’d make during temp support. Not worth it to me.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/22 12:17 AM
2

God speed, buckle up and hopefully you have a relatively low conflict divorce. You got a great group of guys here all in the shit with you. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/22 12:14 AM
3

I’m doing All of this and sleep. Sometimes it’s not enough. With current global and economic issues impacting my job it’s a lot of stress on the personal and work front. Taking it day by day. Hang in there.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/22 03:59 PM
3

I’m terrified of this. I’m 2 years in and $225K flushed away. I’m still nowhere closer. Just hired new attorney and they seem to have their act together, but we’ll see. It’s soul crushing. My health is starting to suffer due to all the stress and anxiety. What is helping you cope and navigate through it for this long?
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/22 05:27 AM
3

I could not agree more. My ex is estranged from her father, brother moved as far away as possible from her and her mother. All I heard were negative interactions about her father and her as a child of divorce. Well, her I am and our family has been obliterated and she’s driving a massive wedge between the two of us (we have two kids together). It’s rough, and I completely ignored giant red flags hitting me in the face. I too am now labeled the monster that her father is. Some people chose to own…
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/22 12:44 AM
8

My ex is asking for lifetime for 12 years of marriage. Based in CA. Ridiculous. Headed to trial.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/22 08:40 PM
1

See my post from today
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/22 05:40 PM
3

I needed to hear this. Thank you and stay strong.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/22 04:55 AM
3

Unless of course you’re getting divorced in a long term marriage in California. Then it feels like indentured servitude.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/22 04:19 AM
1

Until divorced your options are married filing jointly or married filing separately. If you file separately and she claims dependents you’ll be hit with heavy tax bill. If you have equal custody with kids you have right to claim them all given you make majority income. If she has majority custody (more nights) in a given year she has right to claim them. Overall, you’ll save more in deductions filing married jointly, but you’re liable for her taxes too. As always, verify with an attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/22 11:25 PM
1

Yup. She already told me to my face you would take me to the cleaners and drag it out as long as possible. I have no idea what the backlog time line is for getting trial date due to COVID. Hopefully, we can make progress in this 3rd, court ordered mediation, but I’m skeptical give her history of unwillingness to negotiate and unreasonable requests.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/22 09:22 PM
1

Thanks. It’s been soul crushing. I did recently learn that in California you can file sanctions to financially penalize the other party that’s intentionally delaying progress to a settlement. One more lever to pull.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/22 09:10 PM
1

The entitlement and cognitive dissonance with some people blows my mind.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/22 04:17 AM
1

Looks like who ever files second and if it’s for a dependent already claimed they will be rejected.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/22 01:12 AM
1

I thought I remember reading it’s only the person who last files and claims will get penalized and audited. Do you have source that states otherwise?
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/22 01:06 AM
2

I hope you’re right. I feel really down today. It’s all wearing on me. I’m just tired of it all.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 08:41 PM
2

She already lied on expense declaration she filed with the court. Her expenses with two kids part time were more than the marital standard of living for four of us. She never ceases to amaze me. I’m more than two years into this process. I’d like to think it will be over soon, but difficult to remain hopeful given how it’s panned out so far.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 07:56 PM
1

Absolutely she did. I’m livid bc this is cut and dry with what the federal government says. Now, I have to work through the court system to get back deductions that are mine and clearly stated in federal tax law. I’m so tired of dealing with this hot mess.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 07:55 PM
1

Same story different song for me. Days before she filed she racked up tens of thousands in debt on the credit card and left me with the bill. I’m still fighting to get reimbursed
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 07:54 PM
1

Yup. On it!
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 07:52 PM
1

I completely agree. Thanks.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 06:17 PM
2

It’s difficult to let is go when for over two years she’s dragged this out, miscalculated dissomaster for support, has not paid back reimbursements, and the list goes on. I’m tired of getting kicked in the teeth with zero repercussions to her. I HAVE to try mediation one more time before trial. It’s all a charade.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 06:17 PM
1

We have orders of 50-50 legal and physical custody nothing on taxes. The IRS makes it very clear on who can claim dependents and tie breaker is majority income even when filing separately and still married. Illegally claiming deductions is tax fraud. My attorney agrees. I’m going to have to work through legal channels to recoup this money she stole.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 06:15 PM
1

It’s been two fucking years of this mess. I’m sick of it and her now violated federal tax law. We have 3rd try at mediation coming up, and my lawyer thinks we can get the reimbursement. I’m not hopeful, she drags this out, lies, and directly violates the law with what seems impunity.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 06:06 PM
2

Skip the dealer and check out online auto buyer. They’ll give you quote to review and even come buy your place to pick it up. See Carvana or CarGurus
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 05:04 AM
2

I like that outlook. Cheers
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/22 03:37 AM
1

I need to pick back up journaling. I did it first 4-6 months in and then stopped. It did help get shit off my chest and out of my head. Need to revisit. Thanks for the reminder.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/22 01:40 AM
2

Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/22 01:28 AM
1

Damn. That’s almost identical to my situation. The system is stack against logic.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/22 01:26 AM
2

He thinks we can get there in mediation and is trying to dissuade me from trial given how costly it will be with money and stress. We'll see, but history has shown otherwise on her ability to negotiate in good faith.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/22 08:56 PM
2

She's asked I pay all her legal fees. No way will I agree to that in mediation. If anything she should pay half of mine intentionally delaying this and communicating through lawyers for nearly everything. I'm skeptical a judge would make me pay her legal fees. We're not there, yet, but will be if mediation fails, again.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/22 08:53 PM
5

Ha. Early on in the process I would intentionally turn off and put away my phone in the car outside. Had to REALLY want it. Worked out okay.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/22 08:49 PM
1

I do have kids involved, which makes it incredibly challenging to co-parent and she's not very engaged in kids' lives/activities/interests. If I'm honest we parallel parent for the most part. Thanks for sharing BIFF. Read the description and it's exactly what I'm dealing with. Ebook purchased.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/22 08:48 PM
2

Yup. One email to my lawyer to hers adds up to about $600 for maybe 15-30 minutes of time. It’s a racket.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/22 06:48 PM
4

Well said. I’ve done this in the past with quoting court orders and past mutual agreements. Holds well for the most part. It’s all very charged given the length of this process, indecision and intentional stalling on her part, and the litigious nature communicating through lawyers. I’ll get through it. It will end at some point. Just need to reduce the collateral damage to me while ensure kids have stable, loving, supportive household with me. The later is going well for the kids. Underneath it …
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/22 06:47 PM
2

No way that’s going to happen. Push through and work through the channels in the system no matter how laborious and at times tilted against you it seems.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/22 06:42 PM
2

I filed 8 months ago for trial. Judge ordered to go back and try mediation a third time. It’s such a charade. I’m not familiar with sanctions can you expand or point me to a resource? I really wish their was a statue of limitation on how long someone can drag this out.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/22 06:41 PM
1

Touché.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/22 06:39 PM
2

This is my scenario. She’s rejected two offers for spousal support and never said why. Not shown up to mediation and Ridiculous indecision and dragging her feet.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/22 05:32 PM
1

You’re right. Doesn’t affect anything. Focus on what I can control and move on. Need to put this damn thing behind me legally.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/22 05:31 PM
1

Definitely wasn’t threatening, but I could have been more tactful in my delivery. Next time I’ll walk away
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/22 05:30 PM
1

Which is exactly me case. It escalated bc she refused to return property that I purchased for the children for my household. It’s really hard to separate comms for kids then not have emotions l/triggers for legal related. It’s also crazy expensive and impractical to go through lawyers for everything.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/22 05:29 PM
2

Thanks. Sounds like we’re weathering similar storms of shit. Hang in there.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/22 05:28 PM
1

Totally. Sounds like my therapist with thoughts, emotions and behaviors. Is the behavioral response justified by the emotional reaction and have you thought it through before taking action. Just down bc I let her get to me.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/22 05:27 PM
1

You’re both right. I just disappointed that I let her get to me. Life goes on. Live and learn.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/22 05:26 PM
2

I agree. I’m usually really good about the walk or hitting the weights. Something snapped on this one. I’m tired of being pushed around by an entitled, greedy, nasty person. Thanks for your comment.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/22 05:26 PM
5

Title has predictive text typo “grey rock” not walk. Ugh
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/22 02:41 PM
3

I wish. At least with the squirrels I have constitutional rights remaining intact.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/22 02:36 AM
3

Given the two years of litigation I’ve been mired in this sounds like a lovely option if I had to pick. Thanks for the visual.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/22 10:24 PM
7

Nailed it. Time for this gent to move on.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/22 10:21 PM
1

Not sure about that. There are plenty of horror stories with blended families that then have new set of children and the step children are horribly ignored or abused by their step parent as a second class citizen.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/22 10:20 PM
1

It’s contested. Get a lawyer now, grey rock her on all comms unless kid related if you got em. Trust me don’t try to engage and resolve it as quickly and peacefully as possible. I’m 2 years in and its been hell. You’re likely going to have to just play ball and fork over cash to work through legal channels. Sorry for what you’re about to go through. Focus on what you can control and staying healthy: sleep, cut out substances, tons of exercise, therapy and finding things that you enjoy doing to k…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/22 04:24 PM
5

This. Child and supposal support ordered is NOT tax deductible. Hurts. Regarding Child support https://www.irs.gov/faqs/interest-dividends-other-types-of-income/alimony-child-support-court-awards-damages/alimony-child-support-court-awards-damages-1 “Child support payments are neither deductible by the payer nor taxable to the recipient. When you calculate your gross income to see if you're required to file a tax return, don't include child support payments received.” Regarding, alimony https://w…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/22 10:15 PM
5

I’m two years into contentious divorce and nearing my breaking point emotionally and financially. Thank you all for sharing. This brings me hope and strength.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/22 05:27 AM
3

I got it after my 2nd was born. For a little discomfort for procedure and recovery I highly recommend it. No regrets unless of course you want to procreate at some point in the future.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/22 04:04 PM
1

Good luck, brother. I’m stuck 2 years in high conflict. Judge wants 3rd attempt at mediation before trial.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/22 05:22 AM
0

No fault state. That applies to a LOT of states rather than “almost everywhere”. Some of us get screwed.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/22 08:19 AM
6

Similar, but I’m waiting until final settlement. I will splurge. Life is hard, but we can and should celebrate. I’m all for treating yourself within reason. Make that big one time purchase. If it gives you great headspace, feeds a creative itch, pushes you further, helps you grow, feed your soul, brings you joy…..do it. Life is short and it’s okay to love and treat yourself. Just don’t make the blow, little people and donkey rental a weekly recurring event.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/22 06:09 AM
1

What feeds your soul bringing you joy in life? Personally, I Exercise, a lot preferably outdoors. Walk while thinking or listening to podcast, play and compose music (trying to learn new instrument), go to the movies, backcountry camping, learning how to surf, etc. Put yourself out there and try new things. You’ll be surprised what you find out about yourself, learn and grow. Plus, it’s a lot of fun.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/22 01:23 AM
3

Another way to look at it, how much will a contentious divorce cost you financially, emotionally, and physically. Is it worth it - can you afford it (hint it can be devastating to some)? Determine what you could earn back vs giving away the farm. If both parties act in good faith everything is negotiable. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/22 11:16 PM
3

My understanding, at least in CA, is that it is based on the strike price day of separation. You'll likely have a forensic account determine value up to day of separation and split 50-50. Meaning you'd likely receive gains post filing/date of separation. As always, consult an attorney to verify
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/22 07:28 AM
1

I hope is goes smoothly for you. You’d be surprised at the lengths some folks will go to. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/22 07:56 PM
18

Sounds like she might haves lawyered up, is about to have you served at your place of work, and seeks more info to dig up dirt or finances.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/22 04:27 AM
2

Sounds like collaborative law? You should check if this is similar to arbitration, typically where a private judge presides, and the agreement is binding meaning no room to not sign at the end of the day. If it's not then I don't think you have to sign anything you're uncomfortable with.
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/22 04:41 PM
8

Just breathe. No matter what happens just breathe. Focus on what you can control: your breathing to stay calm and relying on your attorney for insight and protect your interests as best they can. I don’t know your situation, but if it’s mediation you don’t have to sign anything if you don’t like the terms. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/22 03:46 PM
2

And has the other worked full-time, part time, break in employment, disability or stay at home?
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/22 06:19 AM
1

Good luck with that when one could be filing for bankruptcy. He needs to focus on what he can control regarding his potential divorce. This isn’t it.
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/22 01:00 AM
1

(Checks asshole) yup, mine is raw. Buckle up
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/22 12:59 AM
3

New York is a one-party consent state. This means that only one party must consent to the recording of an in-person or telephone conversation. Record away!
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/22 11:56 PM
3

This. I’m in the same boat. Got to put emotions to the side and be pragmatic when it comes to finances.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/22 11:13 PM
1

If you have a rough idea what she’s capable of making or even minimum wage run it through the California dissomaster online. Should give you rough estimate if it’s worth your time and money.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/22 11:11 PM
9

Talk with a lawyer about imputing her income via a vocational evaluation. Your support could be modified based on the income she’s capable of making vs what she actually pulls in currently.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/22 10:10 PM
1

You just nailed my STBXW. I never thought of the psychological pleasure. It makes sense, but severely disheartening given my own situation. You’re probably right.
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/22 04:17 AM
7

I'm not crying. It's just raining on my face.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/22 02:49 AM
1

That’s why you keep it separated: finances, home, etc and don’t get married again. You both can choose each other each day with no strings attached and walk away just as freely.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/22 11:14 PM
24

Very wise choice. It can ruin you financially, emotionally and mentally (see suicide rates on men of divorce). No reason to have the legal contract this day and age.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/22 06:54 PM
2

Assuming you’re in the US - What country and state are you located in?
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/22 06:53 PM
7

I hate everything about this. Feel for you man. Hope you’re at a better point in your life moving forward.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/22 03:40 AM
6

Well said. Hits very close to home and resonates all too well with me. Thank you for sharing.
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/21 07:14 AM
3

What is your legal custody order say? It should have a clause on medical and reasonable prevention for the kids. If you have 50% legal custody taking them to get vaccinated is completely reasonable. Confirm with your lawyer, but in CA this is the case.
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/21 07:10 AM
1

Update: she’s stuck there for at least 10 days. Will miss our oldest’s birthday and still claiming the rules don’t apply to her. It’s lockdown in a government sanctioned hotel room, is not allowed to leave, under surveillance and food brought to her room. Hope she gets a room with a view during her tropical prison stay.
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/21 03:25 AM
2

Yeah, it’s tragic for kids. They need fathers in their lives and the stats show it for dads present: reduces rates of teen pregnancy, increased academic scores for both males and females, dramatic reduction in drug use and incarceration, etc. kids need both parents and fathers play a critical role. This is nonesense
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/21 03:24 AM
3

100% this. It should be the default not exception. I’m in CA and it is. Meanwhile buddy in TX is fighting just for 40%.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/21 07:01 PM
1

OMG I had kids and got severely burned in accident meanwhile one of mine was sick throwing up. I wasn’t comfortable taking them to emergency room with me due to COVID-19 and my oldest puking. I asked her for help. She was too busy going to a holiday party. Some people suck.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/21 06:57 PM
4

Don’t expect anything different in her actions. They won’t change and don’t expect you’ll be able to show her otherwise. I struggle with this, but I’m getting better. My STBXW actions of being awful validate it and have stopped letting me down.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/21 04:26 PM
1

Curious your take in other comment about filing a contempt of court (order) with a motion for every exchanged missed vs trying to win them over long-term being friendly and encouraging. Why did you opt for the latter and not the former?
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/21 05:20 AM
4

Will do. This isn’t the first and time to hold her accountable. Thanks.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/21 04:37 AM
1

I completely agree. I’m in a very similar position at 50/50 playing the long game for my kids with even the potential ex will move out of state. Kudos to you being there for your kids.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/21 04:35 AM
7

Fair point - seems extreme for each day, but good to know. I’ll talk with my lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/21 04:04 AM
12

I wrote a horrible text response and sent it to my sister instead. She’s super supportive and let’s me vent.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/21 03:46 AM
7

Serious question: what authorities? Not sure what I can do here other than document evidence. The kids are safe with me.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/21 03:42 AM
15

Believe me, I really want to, but I’m trying to be a better person here. I want to give her so much shit, but keeping it grey rock or yes/no while documenting all her texts and nonesense. She’s also likely to miss our daughter’s birthday due to quarantine. I think that’s punishment enough.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/21 03:41 AM
4

God I need to drill this into my head as my daily mantra. It’s driving me insane, I know nothing will change, and yet…
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/21 05:25 AM
2

I agree. I’m almost certain it’s his mother, but I want to tread carefully. I too would rather play the long game and just keep showing up for them like I have since the day they were born. I cannot control what she says and does. I’ll have to be patient.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/21 03:52 PM
1

Congratulations on your freedom and positive direction moving forward in life. I cannot wait to get out of this state of arrested development and move on.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/21 11:00 PM
5

That sounds incredibly frustrating, expensive, and emotionally draining. Sorry you are/have going through this. Hang in there. All things pass.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/21 06:10 PM
1

Agreed. I struggle with asking if they have questions. When I do I get "nope. all good". It's possible in his mind, he doesn't and the narrative is there that he, his mother, and/or I have formulated. I don't want to push it, but the same time this perception may crystalize as reality for him.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/21 06:08 PM
1

We did nesting for some time (shared house w kids and apartment rotated with parents). It was hell. Focus on what you can control. Give your kids love and support so they grow up to be thoughtful self sufficient adults. That’s the best you can do.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/21 05:01 PM
3

We initially had this discussion with the kids when she filed and we all moved to perspective homes. Since then the narrative seems to have changed. STBXW are not on good speaking terms. We are in a bitter divorce settlement that is dragging on, and doesn’t seem to have an end in near sight. Not sure it’s a hill I want to die on right now pushing for a conversation “as a family” with her. This sucks.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/21 04:40 PM
2

Damn, I feel you. Losing the house feels like insult to injury. I'm going to be down about $1M down when it's all said and done not including child and spousal support. Focused on me, kids, and work in that order.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/21 11:11 PM
13

This. Get ready to be demonized and a narrative shared that suits her needs and justifies her actions. For example I’m apparently a piece of garbage human that she never loved, but decided to spend 15 years with me and have two children with me. I’m also apparently a horrible father, but yet acknowledged with the courts that I’m a great dad and landed immediately at shared physical and legal custody 50-50. I know it’s hard, but try to ignore that shit and focus on improving yourself and what you…
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/21 07:15 PM
3

Agreed. Fortunately, if you find one with generally same level of income or more than you then it’s fantastic.
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/21 01:49 AM
3

You’re describing my current state to a T. This just makes me so damn sad.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/21 11:29 PM
1

Keep in mind a by product of you dating might piss off your ex. In response should could make it difficult to finalize the settlement. In that case just file for trial and be done with it. I’m learning the hard way.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/21 08:05 PM
2

Depends on the state, but if you’re in no fault it has zero baring in your case unless you introduce someone to your children that threatens or damages their health and well being. I’m in CA and my attorney’s response was that two consenting adults can do what they’d like as long as it doesn’t negatively impact kids if they’re relevant to your situation. You do you.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/21 08:03 PM
1

I think you’re right. Feels like she doesn’t know what she’s doing, asking for it all, and waiting to see if I call her bluff.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/21 01:58 AM
1

Same! It’s ridiculous and infuriating. I gave a generous offer as an anchor to negotiate on. Got “no thanks”. We’re headed to trial.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/21 02:10 PM
1

NP. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/21 07:26 PM
2

VocalEval sounds like a good route. You can impute income on temporary and permanent spousal support in CA.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/21 04:25 AM
3

Welcome to divorce In CA. This is my current world with temporary support. Does your STBX have any specialized skill sets, education or work experience? If yes you’ll likely want to have a vocational evaluation, which will determine the potential employment and income she’s capable of making. This income, whether they go et it or not, can be the imputed income for calculating your support payment (not minimum wage).
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/21 12:55 AM
2

This. And with that poor communication comes lack of stating your boundaries, needs, wants, etc. and with that lack of asking or telling when you’re disappointed in your partner bc you don’t feel heard, loved, support comes resentment. And with that resentment it will ultimately lead to divorce if you cannot wrap your arms around it and work through it. That’s me at least.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/21 12:50 AM
15

I’ve lost 65lbs and am in incredibly shape while I’ve gained my confidence back. She looks like the crypt keeper.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/21 10:51 PM
2

💯it is funny
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/21 03:02 AM
7

Ugh, too soon? I feel personally attacked. ;-)
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/21 01:49 AM
5

Nearly same experience. If the documents no longer exist, unreasonable to acquire or it’s not applicable say so. You can simple say no - unreasonable request. Now, go hire a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/21 04:15 AM
12

Preach. Nothing says piss off like walking away from your family, 15 year relationship, obliterating half my net worth, and leaving me beholden to bay an obscene amount of monthly support to someone who is greedy, lazy and entitled. It's the hell I currently live in. Today's a new day. Onward and upward.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/21 03:33 PM
2

“Expect consequences” fuck that - you can’t threaten the other party & if you go to trial a judge will look poorly on that. This one hit a nerve for me. Good for you for pushing back and fighting.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/21 09:05 PM
2

Sounds like you’re doing all the right things. I have somewhat similar situation headed back to court in Oct to recoup support overpaid and readjusted. Good luck and hope you get to speedy, healthy retirement.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/21 03:41 PM
4

Not that I’m aware of; however, if you have a medical professional check out your back and sign off that should be enough. I had to take paid medical leave, and might have to do so again but unpaid. According to my lawyer it would simple be a reduction in current support paid. In your case with imputing income it’s incumbent on the opposing party to make a case that you’re capable of earning it. Health and well being play a big factor into it. Go see a specialist and get medical proof to put it …
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/21 02:46 PM
5

Agreed. It will turn into a zero sum game. Think about what truly matters to you. What matters to your ex. Use that as leverage to get what you want and play to what that want. For example maybe they really love the car that’s paid off and you don’t give a shit, but you really want to keep your prized possession of (fill in the blank). Position it so they have to negotiate for the car. Don’t just give it up bc you don’t want it. Be willing to give to get.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/21 05:21 PM
1

Because it’s a complicated process that requires attention to detail, knowing the boundaries of what’s legal/required and what’s not. The settlement will impact him for years if not the rest of his life. Not consulting a lawyer even to simply review the negotiated deal and draw up the docs for judge to sign off on is just foolish. This will likely be the biggest negotiation of his life. Don’t screw around.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/21 02:26 PM
4

It exactly will. Any judge will say “you’ve demonstrated you can and will pay to support her”. I don’t recommend it. I know it’s hard to hear, but it will protect you in the long run.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/21 09:20 PM
3

Oh damn, I’m really sorry to hear that. That’s rough. Mine has been all about $. I pushed and we settled immediately on the kids and she accepted 50-50 joint and legal custody. It’s all about alimony and entitlement with her on finances. Stay strong. It’s a shitty hand you’ve been dealt, but eventually the truth will surface, and you’ll get your time with your kids.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/21 09:19 PM
3

Unless you’re willing to part ways with those funds and not recoup them then I’d avoid it. My STBXW was supported by me post filing, and I’m still fighting to get reimbursed a lot of money. I don’t recommend it if you can avoid it until a court stipulation is in place.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/21 09:14 PM
2

Whatever narrative she needs to tell herself to justify her actions she does. Nothing I can do about it. Just need to focus on me, the kids, settling this damn divorce and moving on with my life. Hope you’re done or on road to settling. Hang in there.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/21 09:10 PM
3

There’s nothing you can do to stop lies. Within reason if your attorney keeps it in check with objections. Believe me I know. I was completely misrepresented and character assassinated at my initial hearing. It took everything for me to sit quietly, show no emotion and just take it from her attorney. Focus on what you can control and use it to your advantage to punch back and take care of you and yours. Bring facts not hearsay: email, text, photos, bank records, etc. My STBXW is fantasic at gasl…
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/21 09:08 PM
4

Dress as professional as you can. If you don’t own a suit go get one. The judge wants to see that you respect them, the court system and proceedings. Stay calm. Give yourself time to collect your thoughts and speak slowly and clearly. My therapist recommended I bring a totem with me that keeps me grounded and focus on what matters. I brought a small piece of art my kid created for me and kept it in my pocket. I would occasionally touch or look at it to try to stay calm. Lastly, If you get really…
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/21 06:19 PM
1

That’s exactly what my ex did. It was calculated and in my view incredibly unethical and unforgivable. I wouldn’t recommend it. If it can be proven judges don’t look kindly on that, at least in CA.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/21 06:13 PM
3

Don’t screw around. Hire a lawyer. Hire a lawyer to consult during mediation process and verify settlement drawn up. Hope it’s as smooth as possible, but in my and numerous others experience there’s rarely an instance of an “amicable “ divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/21 02:25 PM
1

Thanks. I need to be patient and let the legal system run its course. It’s so taxing emotionally, financially and even physically. It will likely be 2 years until it’s settled from when I was served. Ridiculous
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/21 12:42 PM
2

California is a no fault state. No questions or blame asked about the divorce from courts. All assets and liabilities acquired during the marriage (known as community property) will be split 50-50. If you make more than her expect to pay alimony for about half the length of your marriage 2.5 years. If you have kids you’ll pay about 1/3 your income in child support until they’re 18 yoa. Lastly, it takes 6 months living in CA to establish residency and divorce here. You’re well past that mark.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/21 03:54 AM
2

Oh, she made it clear she’s not interested in trying to negotiate a settlement. I’ve already filed for trial this fall. As the date gets closer her behavior gets more emboldened.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/21 03:48 AM
2

I should add find a shrink and a therapist. If you’re suffering from severe depression you need relief with meds. There’s no shame in seeking help. Go get some.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/21 12:56 AM
2

Just breathe. Take a pause and go for a walk. I’ve been there. You need to relieve stress and clear your head. Any exercise will help. Start small with just walking. Get some headspace and start increasing physical activity to relieve stress through movement. It’s a long, hard fucking road, but you can do it. You need to refocus and get outside and just walk.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/21 12:55 AM
2

I feel you. I went through our 13th anniversary while still in divorce proceedings and at this rate might hit our 14th before we settle. It does get easier little by little. Be kind to yourself and feel the feels. You got this.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/21 09:07 PM
4

I paid the bills and managed finances. We had separate accounts, but a joint credit card for her use. I thought this worked out well. Later she claimed I was financially controlling, but never once did she show interest or want to engage in manage our finances.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/21 01:00 PM
3

I hold the carrots and she's quite entitled. This is good advice. Appreciate it. And yes, it was a slip up. I try really hard to be civil, but this incident really pissed me off. We're all human.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/21 12:56 PM
1

Unfortunately, I'm not comfortable sharing too much specifics, but she came by my home when I wasn't there. The kids and after school care was, and she caused some problems. She's violated the child stipulation interfering. I'm trying to keep distance from her and keep the peace before our court hearings begin again this fall. I don't want things escalating, I want them reduced while focusing on settling the divorce. Sounds like I may have my answer. Record and document it and let it go unless t…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/21 12:53 PM
1

Thanks for the thoughtful response. And yes, "any explanation is wasted energy" reasonates perfectly in my situation. It's like every 3 months I somehow think she'll have an ephiany and apply empathy and pragmatism. I need to stop and drop any expectations I have for her. Your text examples are similar to mine. In some cases I am incredibly matter of fact asserting the boundary and I'm met with hostility, gaslighting etc. When that happens I need to let it go and walk away. I think it maybe my e…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/21 04:51 AM
1

This is very similar to my situation except divorce isn't settled yet. She will interfer and meedle in my household during my custodial time with the kids. Normally, I try to let it go, but sometimes it impacts my work, the kids, or both. That's when we have a problem and I lean into her on text. All i get in return is reflecting bullshit back and gas lighting. It's not constructive, but I want to make it clear when she's crossed a line. Best I think I can do is calmly and objectively let it be …
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/21 04:08 AM
1

The sad thing is I know this. Sometimes she just won't stop and keeps pushing. One alternative could be to state my boundaries while excluding repercussions if crossed (legal) and leave it at that with zero further follow up in text.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/21 04:01 AM
1

I hear you. It feels like such a waste of resources running to the lawyers Everytime she does something ridiculous. Yes, in the past it has put her in check. She has a strange perception of reality that lacks facts. When she gets called out by another slightly more objective person the behavior diminishes. That just feels overkill to me. I wish we could both converse like adults. Then again, if we could we wouldn't be getting divorced and dealing with a mountain of disrespect and distrust.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/21 03:59 AM
3

This.is.ridiculous. I really hope that’s not true. I already feel like I’m trapped in 21st century servitude. Thanks for the heads up. One more thing to discuss with my attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/21 11:00 PM
1

Thanks and I’m sorry to hear about the loss. Generally, I’d agree, but this is dragging on and I have a life to live. I foresee this taking 2+ years until resolved. Damn, just typing that seeds me with anger.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/21 10:51 PM
2

Are you saying there’s a possibility she can come back at any point in the future and request for an increase to alimony?
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/21 10:49 PM
2

Agreed. I don’t plan on being profitable until spousal support has final judgement. To your point reinvestment back into the company and tax write offs it is.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/21 09:56 PM
3

Agreed. Even if the consult is up to a few hundred bucks it will be worth your time and money. Get pointed in the right direction, network of lawyers, and educate yourself on the laws in the state.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/21 09:14 PM
2

Prenups cannot protect future income. What I was referring to and wrongly called it a prenup is a postnup. With a postnup, you're ensuring financial security in case of divorce. You can revisit them annually and both parties are signing off and saying something like (what's yours is yours and mine is mine based on some percentage) then it can hold up in court if divorce were to occur. Sometimes a one-time postnup doesn't carry weight for a long-term marriage >10years, but if you're both revisiti…
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/21 05:33 PM
0

If you were to get divorced a discovery on income and expenses (assets and debts) would be performed. This includes, but is not limited to W2, bank records, credit cards, etc. In your example it would demonstrate a paper trail of income being hidden and not known to your spouse. In most states this is known as fiduciary responsibility and it’s a big no no to not inform your spouse of all income. The courts could go after your family to retrieve the assets. I don’t recommend this, but if you want…
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/21 01:44 PM
2

You sound like you’re doing all the right things. Well done on all fronts: putting a healthy life for you first, your kids and success at work. You’re living your best life and only getting better. I too suffer from thinking about her every day, but it leads me to a lot of stress and unhealthy emotions. Hopefully, it diminishes post a settlement, but in the meantime I need to do something about my skyrocketing blood pressure. I already lost 60lbs and am in amazing shape. Got focus on meditation …
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/21 02:05 AM
6

Glad you’re moving on. I’m still 15+ months into divorce and feel like at times venom is coursing through my veins. Trial awaits my future.
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/21 12:09 AM
4

I think your and my STBXW are taking trips together. I agree. Hold her ass accountable. Just keep saying to yourself “not my monkey - not my circus”.
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/21 12:05 AM
2

I needed a good laugh. Burrrrrrrrrrrn
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/21 04:21 AM
2

This. I’m in CA and paying massive amount of net income half to her. It will significantly drop at settlement. In CA at least, rough rule of thumb on permanent spousal support is 50% your net income over 3-5 year average minus 40% of her current net income.
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/21 10:57 PM
11

Filed for trial and stopped wasting time, money (ridiculous temporary spousal support), and hope that she’d actually make a good faith effort at negotiating and reaching a settlement. Also document, document, document. Receipts, text messages, old bank statements from 15+ years ago saved my ass proving financial assets prior to marriage (got lucky on that one). Keep a log of custody exchanges/times, what you and the kids do (photos/videos) and track when she reneges or doesn’t honor parenting pl…
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/21 07:34 PM
2

100% agree. Go on the offense and find a lawyer that will fight. I made this mistake of thinking things would be amicable and was taking her on her word. 14+ months later she’s gone back on her word, pulled questionable acts (violated court order) and done everything possible to drag it out (large temporary spousal support she’s receiving). I’m now headed to trial.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/21 06:13 PM
7

Is she capable of working? Does she have a college education or specialized skills for work? Be prepared to potentially pay lifetime alimony (spousal support) depending on your state if you're in USA. If her medical condition is severe and she's unable to provide an income you will. Your length of marriage alone almost guarantees it.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/21 04:19 AM
13

I’m down $80K and 14 months into it with a trial pending. Does not include STBXW legal fees. Such a gross waste of $$$.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/21 01:17 AM
1

That’s a hard place. I’m headed there soon (date pending). Stay strong, calm, and bring the facts. Hang in there
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/21 05:37 AM
5

Damn this is sad and so relatable.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/21 09:43 PM
2

I second this. I read this about a month in. It will help validate what you’re going through or about to as you progress stages of loss. At the very least it helped put things in perspective. It’s agnostic of sex and still helpful. Additional male center books: no more mr nice guy, the unplugged alpha male, and (not male centered but incredibly helpful on framing problems) The obstacle is the way. If you’re looking for male centric podcast check out: F-Divorce, rising Phoenix, and Invisible Man.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/21 07:48 PM
8

I work a demanding job and want to take a pay cut to reduce stress and have more time with my kids. I cannot. My STBXW can sue me for a reduction in earning potential (I'm capable of making more money). This is 21st-century indentured servitude.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/21 05:04 PM
16

It’s fucking hard. It will take time, but it will slowly stop feeling like you’re dying. I’m 14 months into the divorce process and I was a wreck for the first 6-9 months. There’s no way around it - only through it. Embrace it. If you feel fucking pain and sadness acknowledge it and don’t be afraid to cry your eyes out. Do it. You’ll feel better. Try to redirect grief into motivation and ultimately discipline. Rediscover what you love and brings you happiness. seek it out. Exercise like crazy to…
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/21 05:08 AM
2

It’s a hard spot to be in. I’ve been there, but on the other side. I fought like hell for my marriage, but she was disengaged and was never in it (I question if ever during our marriage). Hang in there and stay the course.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/21 12:01 AM
2

Divorce is devastating to your mental, physical, emotional and financial health. If it turns sour it will destroy your family and consume you. Ask yourself if you’re willing to fight to save your marriage? If you struggle for a yes at all then file. If yes, give her space (no contact), set a mental date/time for how long you’re willing to wait, and be prepared for her to return to you or hire a lawyer. It’s a screwed up parallel mindset to have. No one regrets giving something your all (e.g. sav…
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/21 11:56 PM
5

Thanks. I’m 14 months in, and at this point I will be shocked if It’s finished by the end of the year. It’s such an emotional, mental, physical, and financial marathon that I really want to be over.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/21 01:43 PM
2

Sounds like I should consider moving.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/21 01:50 PM
2

I am 14 months in. As soon as she failed to respond and negotiate in response to an offer, I filed for trial. Focus on what you can control. Go to trial. It’s your biggest lever to pull.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/21 09:03 PM
3

Not sure what state you'rer in, but in CA you're entitled to reimbursement for education you payed (invested) in her. Get what's yours!
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/21 11:51 PM
3

I am in it right now fighting an entitled, ambivalent, apathetic person. this brought me a smile and boost to continuing the fight. Cheers!
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/21 11:48 PM
7

I just try to be present and show them consistent love. It's tough, but just keep showing up. I'm learning that we don't have to always be on the go doing activities and it's okay to just hang out.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/21 10:19 PM
2

Congratulations. I'm envious. Split in Feb, file in June of 2020 and still dragging on.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/21 04:57 AM
4

I searched like hell and found a rental home, 1 year lease in same school district and no change to schools. Their mother moved out of school district. House is too big for my needs and kids just 50% of time, but I wanted to maintain as much consistency for them and reduce big changes. STBXW doesn’t feel the same way.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/21 04:22 PM
2

That's exactly it. Nothing is good enough and standing ground or offering suggestions/actions if she was ambivalent or apathetic were considered controlling. She even pulled this in her brief filing with her toxic lawyer. Just got to let that go.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/21 11:03 PM
2

Knowing when to dig your heels in to fight and die on a hill vs walk away and save yourself a lot of grief and emotional, financial, physical drain is never easy. Sounds like you're definitely aware and did the right thing. Good luck and keep pushing forward.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/21 04:46 PM
3

Same. Once I settle lifev2.0 is some form of this. There are great deals on affordable, nice pods or prefab homes. My long-term plan is to do drop a 2-3 of these on few acres after kids head out of house. I got time to save and will start with the land first. Cheers to onward and upward!
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/21 04:43 PM
0

I'm going to push back and say it's not a competition but rather it's all relative. Everyone on this sub is struggling and needs support. Puting things into perspective relative to others isn't particularly helpful. What can be helpful is focusing on what one control, which is solely themselves. Learn from your mistakes and keep growing. Rising up from life's challenges is what matters.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/21 03:55 AM
1

I don't have a mediator attorney. I have a trial attorney. The judge ordered us to mediate first. It was a complete waste of time and money.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/21 09:03 PM
5

She gave you a response. It was no. You're right. Filing for trial as soon as I talk with attorney. Hope you're right about settlement even if it is truly the last minute. I have no other options here.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/21 09:01 PM
1

Fuck. That's exactly what I'm worried about. I discuss strategies and tactics for negotiation with my lawyer, but I have no idea how he's actually carrying it out if at all. I completely agree with you that this is not complicated, and yet a lot of professionals are woefully untrained in the art of negotiation. It doesn't help that the ex lawyer is a smarmy "take him for everything he's worth" kind of lawyer. It leads to a zero sum game where the only people actually getting money are the lawyer…
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/21 03:00 PM
1

That's rough. Sorry to hear about the little progress made. I'm over a year in and kids and assets have been settled for sometime. She's dragging her feet and playing up her entitlement for spousal support. What drives me mad is none of the time paying for temporary spousal support applies to permanent spousal support. It's like serving time in a prison and then issued final judgement. That time served still counts. Yet in divorce it doesn't. It's all about $$$
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/21 02:56 PM
2

I've heard that stat, and it's partially what's driving me to file for trial. You're absolutely right about incentives. My ex id ambivalent about a lot of things including this divorce. Hopefully, this the shot in the arm it needs. Thanks!
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/21 02:51 PM
1

Sending you good vibes. Wrap it up - you got this!
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/21 08:59 PM
5

Same. She even refered to our children as "my children". Drove me up the wall.
/r/MGTOW213/06/21 05:52 AM
1

💯. Fortunately, I'm an organized anomaly that had statements going back to late 90s-00s to prove otherwise. Probably the only time in my life I was glad I hung onto records.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/21 02:49 AM
1

Depends on the state. In CA any asset earned/acquired during the marriage is considered community property and split 50-50. Typically length of marriage solely applies to length of spousal support.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/21 01:31 AM
2

My ex did same thing. She didn’t disclose funds during marriage. I had no idea the accounts existed and she was squirreling away money. It’s not a good look. Depending on your state this can even be considered lack of financial fiduciary from your spouse. It’s a no-no and will likely ding her in splitting assets (to be determine in ongoing divorce).
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/21 10:33 PM
3

This. Don’t waste time. Control your fate by controlling the divorce and file first.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/21 10:30 PM
1

(Caveat I’m not a lawyer and don’t recommend this, but I did some research) if you’ve established alternative means of managing money well before the divorce (preferable 1+ years) it might be safe. If you do anything drastic it will set off red flags and you’ll pay the price if you end up in court. If you were to get divorced you’d have a request for documents and income. All finances would be solicited via attorney and/or judge. If you put money in say the Caymans it could possible be protected…
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/21 10:29 PM
3

Are there any points of leverage you can use to incentivize a settlement and avoid court (ex: imputed income, compromise more on finances like car or house, pay her bonus of $X if settlement reached by Y date)? If mediation is an option recommend mediators and schedule time to interview them with ex. Push attorneys to select a date for mediation. It’s not in the interest of either parties’ attorney to settle. My case was going no where. I took a more assertive route and drafted the spousal suppo…
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/21 01:54 PM
11

Hit $75K a few weeks ago. Makes me sick. Such a gross waste of money. Fuck divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/21 04:56 AM
12

I hear you and agree 100%. My speculation is that they never established a sense of self respect and self love after their first divorce. A lot of folks, men especially, cannot tolerate being alone and will rush into a relationship. They’ll seek validation and their happiness from someone else. They’ll tie their identity to someone else as a husband or married couple. Again, speculation on my part. Never ever will I marry again.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/21 03:42 AM
2

Prenup aside, keep records of all your financial assets prior to marriage as premarital property proof (ex: bank and brokerage statements, tax return, w2 or 1099s). I had paper records going back to 1998. Got me an additional $100K on premarital assets that otherwise she would have gotten half. You can’t argue over hard evidence.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/21 02:19 AM
2

I think I misinterpreted the do over and went straight to emotional response. Legit response and Caveat: I’m not a lawyer and am going through a contentious divorce. I’ve read a fair bit about community property, common law marriage and prenups. In short it can be very challenging to enforce a prenup especially if it’s not iron clad with the specifics. Consult a lawyer to confirm. I’d call out things like contributing to mortgage principle is not split 50-50, but directly proportional to who pay…
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/21 01:57 AM
3

I would have acknowledged the red flags and never gotten married.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/21 01:47 AM
18

This guy gets it. Well played.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/21 04:46 PM
1

Yes. Look up present vs future value calculation. If you invested that money today in an asset like the stock market or a home it will likely appreciate in value by an interest earned percentage worth some future value. If you instead use that cash today at its present value you should deduct its calculation based on the interest you think you’d likely earn in the future if you held onto the cash.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/21 03:41 AM
2

Agreed. It’s a long way through, but the challenges help us grow. I prefer Churchill’s, “when you’re going through hell, keep on going.”
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/21 02:47 AM
2

Thanks for your post. I just hit my anniversary of being served (still mired in legal disputes). Today has been a difficult one with a wide array of emotions. Sometimes I feel stuck in a dark hole and don’t know if I’ll ever get out. Kudos to you on living your best life.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/21 10:20 PM
1

Do you mind sharing info (PM me)? I’m in Bay Area and have been looking for a men’s support group.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/21 08:45 PM
2

Some did/is telling his wife the same - her attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/21 08:28 PM
1

Sorry to hear that. Dig your heels in and fight like hell for 50-50. Kids need both their parents in their lives, especially a strong male role model (plenty of data around why: graduation rates, drug use, physical or sexual abuse, and more).
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/21 04:41 PM
1

If your agreement is child custody stipulation signed by the judge it will be very hard to undo 50-50% unless one of you does something very egregious (ex: drugs/alcohol abuse, physical harm or threats, etc). Talk with your lawyer, but it’s unlikely things will change unless one of you screws up. Sorry to hear about your situation. Hope it comes to a conclusion soon.
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/21 04:00 PM
4

If she’s anything like my ex she’ll show up 3 hours later than agreed on, make up excuses, and blame you why she’s late. I took all her shit and put it outside in the driveway.
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/21 03:20 PM
1

Yup, my ex is getting hit with that right now and about to pay the price. She’s severely underemployed and has very large potential earnings potential.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/21 03:43 AM
5

It’s a lot of money. So much I feel ill thinking about it. CA racks over the primary breadwinner.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/21 03:41 AM
26

I’m in the exact same situation. I’ve come to the conclusion that I do not want to compromise myself integrity based on the things she’s done and said during the divorce and that’s okay/healthy. That bell cannot be unrung. How she’s show up and treated me during the divorce told me everything I need to know about this person’s character and my relationship with them moving forward. I don’t have to be friends with her I just have to be amicable towards her at least in front of the kids. I treat i…
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/21 10:39 PM
1

You’re only responsible for 50% of the marriage. She too played a role in letting”things get this way”.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/21 10:28 PM
6

Don’t leave/move out under any circumstances or it could be deemed abandonment to your kids. Stay as healthy as you can. You’ll be hit with immense emotions and stress daily. Workout and get plenty of sleep. Be prepared for emotional and psychological help. Therapy and your support network can help here.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/21 12:20 AM
10

Mine was 7 when we first separated (now over a year in). It torn my heart apart every time I dropped he and his sister off at their mother’s. I can’t say it gets that much easier to drop them off, but the returns/hellos get that much better. Just keep showing up and being consistent with love and support. It may take time, but the bond you form will be unbreakable. It’s taken nearly 7 months, but oldest finally sees through mom’s bullshit gaslighting and has turn a new leaf in our relationship. …
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/21 12:16 AM
2

Not sure your state, but typically alimony is calculated based on net income average over years not just one (ex: last 3-5 years).
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/21 05:38 PM
4

So simply put and yet I’ve missed the mark so many times in my life. Thanks for the comment.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/21 10:17 PM
1

Just take it one day at a time. You’ll like feel overwhelmed and possibly hopeless, but take care of your physical and mental health. It will get better and you’ll make it through. I’m not quite there, yet, but seeing a sliver of light at the end of the tunnel.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/21 07:56 PM
1

I’m 100K and nearly 12 months in and still working on finalizing spousal support. It’s a nightmare and gross waste of money on a sick industry that profits on emotions and antagonizing situations while the government sticks their hand in the honey jar too. Caveat I’m in CA and dealing with high earnings.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/21 07:14 PM
2

Sorry, but this is the way. Stay strong and good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/21 07:12 PM
2

Welcome to divorce. You’ll pay a premium and go through hell, but you’ll regain your sense of self and freedom while proving a loving, stable home for your kids. It is fucking horrible, but “when you’re going through hell keep going.” You got this.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/21 07:10 PM
5

Trust your instinct and walk away from this. If she truly loved and respected you she would not be pressuring you but rather empathizing and supporting you.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/21 05:05 AM
3

Nailed it. It’s a pretty sad state of affairs. It’s infuriating and there’s not much I can do.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/21 12:29 AM
4

I’m in the same boat, but I’ll do you one more from CA. I found out that if I voluntarily leave my job for a lower paying one she can sue me based on my proven ability to earn more and not. Ah, welcome to 21st century indentured servitude.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/21 12:26 AM
1

Same. It tastes fucking horrible, but needs to go down.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/21 12:23 AM
2

This is a solid response. Something to keep in mind is that depending on what deductions and claims she makes if yours differ/conflict with hers and she filed first if you get flagged for mismatch you’ll be the one audited. Good luck and stay strong.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/21 12:47 AM
2

I agree. We have joint legal and physical custody. I don’t think she can do anything drastic. The stipulation cover healthcare, schools but nothing on physical residency or proximity to one another. Odd. I’ll get it fixed and play it safe keeping kids in same school district and schools.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/21 06:56 PM
1

I don’t have the restriction, which I think is odd. I’m currently the one that is providing the home and consistency for the kids in same school district and school. My STBXW doesn’t seem to care about impact to kids. I was curious if I were to move elsewhere the battle I may get into around what school they attend if neither of us were in the same school district kids have been in.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/21 09:11 PM
3

Ha! Good on you. Congrats!
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/21 07:52 PM
3

Remarried to the bike, an amazing partner, or both?
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/21 07:44 PM
3

Well said. I whole heartedly agree and needed to hear this from someone else.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/21 08:49 PM
2

My lawyer said the same. I was appreciative of it.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/21 05:38 AM
3

No, prior assets are considered separate property. What’s your prior to the marriage is yours. What’s yours earned post date of separation is yours (for the most part).
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/21 05:36 AM
5

Bing, bing, bing. We have a winner!!!
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/21 06:04 AM
5

Billionaires, but I see and agree with your point.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/21 06:02 AM
12

The Walk Away Wife Foundation?
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/21 06:02 AM
1

Has it worked? I’m an atheist and seeking strength in myself and trying to maintain hope that things can, are, and will continue to get better. Some days it feel like it’s crashing down; others days are doable.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/21 10:07 PM
1

Not sure what stage you’re at in the divorce, but some cases the primary breadwinner can ask for split cost of childcare while you work. You mentioned this for at settlement, but if your cased is already filed you may be able to push for it now and get your kids in suitable care. Going to be difficult if they’re a SAHM. As mentioned, document it all.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/21 11:12 PM
11

Ha. Agree to an extent. I’ve been on here for a bit and it’s been full of candor and support. Maybe I’m naive and the Reddit backlash will come. I truly appreciate the male support and solidarity. I need to find a physical men’s group equivalent.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/21 05:32 PM
2

Congratulations! I can so relate. I’ve had melanoma too and about 3 months into divorce process doctors found tumors on my liver. Sooooo damn stressful. Nothing beats a clean bill of health and mind. Way to stay strong and be there for your kids. You got this!
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/21 02:41 PM
9

Hahahaha. Love it. Well done.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/21 11:37 PM
8

I needed to read this 15 years ago. Could have saved me immense heartache and financial misery. Then again, I was naive, young, dumb and hopeful.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/21 08:37 PM
2

I feel you. Really sorry to hear this, and I'm almost there. Sometimes I wish I could give folks a physical hug. Hang in there completing my divorce. You got this.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/21 09:17 PM
7

This hits in the feels. The way I have been treated and words spoken/yelled at me have been horrific. I wouldn't treat my enemies this way. Coming from someone who I loved and trusted is such a fucking betrayal.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/21 09:14 PM
8

Get used to it. You're likely to be demonized in order to justify her behavior and decisions. I've been blamed for literally everything. You're not accountable to anyone but yourself and kids (if you got em). Stay the course.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/21 07:07 PM
7

100% agree with all of this. Focus on you. Regain control of your life. Work on improving your mental and physical health. Where applicable seek therapy and learn from mistakes of the past. Rediscover what brings you joy in life and makes you you. Don't give her the courteous to figure things out. Move forward.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/21 07:05 PM
5

From my experience when they're done they're done. My STBXW strung me a long for months talking about change in me, and how she was having second thoughts. She played with my emotions, would give me hope then tear me down. I should have filed immediately when she said she's "not in love with me. Trust and respect were lost and resentment had fortified. It's a hell of a journey you're about to go on, but it sounds like she's already checked out a while ago. Good on you for filing first. Don't loo…
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/21 07:02 PM
3

I don’t regret my kids for a second. I regret who I had them with.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/21 02:38 PM
3

This could not be more timely. I'm currently experiencing parallel parenting and it is incredibly difficult. Thanks, Michael!
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/21 10:59 PM
1

Cali here too. Back in Oct '20, I was told 8-15 month delay with court system.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/21 01:45 AM
2

I am currently living the exact same experience as you. It's so damn frustrating and soul crushing.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/21 01:44 AM
5

The community is here for you. We are all in it or have lived through it. Focus on yourself first and then your son. If you’re not healthy and happy neither will he be. No one is perfect. Be kind to yourself. Learn from your mistakes and treat these challenges as growth opportunities. You will come out a stronger, better version of yourself and father to your son. You got this.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/21 03:34 AM
5

I saw red flags and ignored them. I was young, dumb and naive. I thought we’d work on it and improve. It just got worse. I thought I was supposed to be selfless and sacrifice for her and our family. In return I sacrificed myself and forgot who I was. Life goes on. I’ve started dating and met a wonderful woman who loves me for me, is empathetic, honest, transparent, gives and receives love, is secure with herself, and financially independent. It’s pretty great. I don’t know if I’ll ever remarry, …
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/21 11:32 PM
2

This. She’s been checked out of the marriage for a very long time and moved on with her life. I know it’s hard to hear, and I experienced a nearly identical situation. Please know that you cannot love someone into loving you back, and you deserve love. Don’t settle foe anything less. Move on with your life, protect yourself and stay true to you.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/21 09:03 PM
3

Get rid of it and any other emotional anchor reminding you of her and the past. I went so far as getting rid of sheets and towels. Time to rebuild your life, forgot her and move on. You got this!
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/21 08:39 PM
3

Do I get to at least keep this umbrella I got in the complimentary drink ?
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/21 06:34 AM
3

Al of this. 100% spot on. I’m have and still am literally living this life. Great write up. Hit way too close to home.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/21 06:29 AM
1

Definitely on that train. I've lost 45lbs, physically feel incredible, and am getting my confidence back. I'm also looking to redirect too on financial opporunities. Thanks for the encouragement.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/21 12:24 AM
2

Damn, that sounds horrible and incredibly crushing on you. Glad to hear court is seeing through BS and you’re successfully moving forward with your life. I admire your ability to emotionally detached.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/21 03:52 AM
3

Well said. I need to extend more kindness to myself, be patient and be okay not being okay. My biggest challenge is feeling down on myself for being a poor judge of character and feeling betrayed. I’ll get over it, but need to regain confidence while be careful on how I extend trust going forward.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/21 03:50 AM
2

Thank you for the mantras. I need to be more disciplined and practice them regularly. I’ll add these to the set. Appreciate it.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/21 03:46 AM
2

Thank you. I try to stay positive, but when negative thoughts creep in I tailspin and can’t stop thinking about it. Hell, I’ll wake up in the middle of the night stressing about scenario planning for how the negotiations may go down. It’s incredibly unhealthy and I can’t keep my mind off it.
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/21 03:45 PM
3

Glad it’s still amicable. Keep it up. I trusted my ex and she went back on her word numerous times before got temp agreement in place and still doing so causing more issues. I’ve had to pick my battles carefully and just let shit go. Unfortunately, I pushed back and lost my shit with her on a few occasions after she kept renegading on her word and doing some awful things (taking property and hiding it in storage unit and stealing money). It’s taken time to unwind and build back a dialogue. We’re…
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/21 11:47 PM
3

I’m right there with you. I’ve been thrown under the bus for the failure of the marriage every opportunity my STBXW can give me. Never has she considered 50% of the marriage was/is her responsibility for better or worse. Try to let it roll off you, which is incredibly difficult. I’ve heard some really heinous hurtful shit. All I can tell myself is she needs an excuse to cast me as a monster to justify her actions and words. Simply own what is yours and yours to own. Learn from it and move on wit…
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/21 11:37 PM
1

So far you’ve nailed it in 1:1 with lawyer, advocates for men’s health and authors. I don’t believe you’ve interviewed a therapist. Perhaps why it’s so important to seek therapy and what to look for in finding a good match? I’d also like to learn more about available men’s support groups online. You’ve mentioned the alpha code, but seems a little vague sort of life coach. Why has this worked for you or others? I’ve struggled to find a tribe. I’m not on Facebook, but probably should join your gro…
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/21 06:31 PM
8

I’m in similar position with 9 years left for my kids. I can’t predict the future, but I think my ex and I will be in each other’s lives in some capacity until we die. There will always be the children that bond you for better or worse. There will be victories and defeats in life that you may not recognize together, but will link you. I try to remind myself this and extend kindness. She’s still the mother of my children and family. It doesn’t mean I have to like her or hell respect her. But I’ll…
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/21 07:33 PM
5

Really appreciate what you’re doing. This podcast is helping me a lot with being okay with not being okay. Thank you.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/21 07:29 PM
1

I misunderstood that you were the one leaving them alone. Well, do you have a court order already in place even for temp custody? It most likely has it spelled out that children cannot be left alone without proper adult supervision until age X. If you do chances are she’s in contempt. If you have proof and are willing to fight (could get very ugly) and want more custody with kids (physical or legal) you might be able to use this in your favor. Consult your lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/21 07:23 AM
5

I won’t go walk the dogs with kids at home alone bc I’m terrified STBXW will use it against me for custody.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/21 03:55 AM
1

You and me both. So fucking true.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/21 06:48 AM
1

Smart move. Congratulations and good luck with the next chapter in your life.
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/21 11:29 PM
4

That’s excellent to hear. Congratulations on positive steps forward and improving yourself. I’m in a similar position and approach to you, but still trying to find the light of divorce (9 months in not settled). I’m struggling financially, thanks state of CA, but improving mentally. When you settled did you mentally and physically feel a huge burden lifted? I am under constant stress and anxiety and want to move forward and pay her off for settlement. I want to be done with this mess she initiat…
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/21 11:22 PM
1

Similar situation. In short we’re setting a date for mediation otherwise filing for court hearing. She’s currently taking over 50% of my monthly net income. Enough is enough. I want to mediate and settle, but have to call her bluff. Ugh, I hate this shit.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/21 08:57 PM
2

Ask yourself what your time, stress, and sanity is worth $$$? I’m in the middle of this now and doing whatever I can to mediate and just pay her off and move on with my life.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/21 08:54 PM
1

I hope mine concludes this way. There's been a lot of unnecessary drama. I'm trying to look past the silly, petty things thrown at me and focus on defusing the situation and getting a settlement in place for all of us to move on with our lives. It truly is sad how it only takes one to file and tear down a lifetime shared together. I have to remind myself there's no reason to want to love someone into loving you back, who has walked away from the marriage and wants nothing to do with you. It's a …
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/21 07:20 PM
2

I like this analogy. Makes sense.I've been grieving for months, and working through that all I miss is the memory of the person, who they were, and not who they are or what they've done in their share of the marriage that led to the divorce (still in progress).
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/21 07:17 PM
1

Harsh, but true.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/21 06:41 AM
2

Fuck yes. Good on you. I needed to read this for hope. Congratulations and happy new year.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/21 02:26 AM
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