The unexplainable pain

turbor · 2021-04-19T04:21:28+00:00

I’m currently living through the same emotions at 1.5 years from finalization. It’s relentless. Your brain will come up with all kinds of stupid reasons to justify why it’s ok to still hurt for her. “She was my first love...The mother of my children...The person I genuinely wanted to spend my life with...My best friend...The loss of my dream of raising our children together...”

It’s mostly all bullshit. I’ve been through the entire divorce/remarriage cycle now, twice. What I can tell you is that when you find a new companion, your ex wife and all her bullshit gets permanently removed from her pedestal in your heart. The illogical feelings of love that you still have for someone who betrayed you will cease. Permanently. And she’ll know it. She’ll have no power over you. You won’t even find her sexy on her best day, and she’ll know it. And you’ll know that she wasn’t anywhere close in caliber to someone you’d give the title of best friend to.

They don’t become better women/mothers after tearing their family apart with an affair and custody/money battle. They become uglier.

That said, I feel ya. Still fucking hurts. Sometimes a helpful thought experiment is to think back on your youth. A time you were broken hearted over a woman, or a previous divorce. Remember how long you felt those feelings and how painful it was? What if you could chat the young version of yourself up at a bus stop? Just say, “dude, shit gets better. Way better! She was a troll. Someone way better for you is in your future path. Quit despairing!”

Good chance that’s true for you, me, most of us. Shit always gets good again.

MyNewNormal808 · 2021-04-19T09:44:21+00:00

Like most, I married my best friend that probably knew me better than I knew myself. The problem is that that friendship faded away and we became roommates that raised our kids. We didn’t do things unless it was for the kids. Even our “date nights” conversations were about the kids. When she told me she wanted a divorce 3 years ago. I was devastated. Later, after a lot of therapy, self-reflection, and work, I realized that my best friend left me years ago. At that point I decided that I was done trying to get back my past but to live the life that I have to best of my ability. I came up with a saying, “If you’re alway reliving the past, you’ll neglect the present, and forsake your future.” I built stronger relationships with my parents which I now talk to about all the things I used to talk to my then-wife about. I found new friends, dated new women, and always moving forward. My life is not perfect and I’m still haven’t found anyone special, but my life is full of activities and good times where I don’t miss my married life. Be positive about your future and live the best life you can.

OnePoint21JizzaWatts · 2021-04-19T06:02:57+00:00

Same. My wife always told me how we were best friends. And i believed it. When the person you see as your best friend turns their back on you it is absolutley shattering. I sometimes feel like I don't know who I am without her (which i know is not good, but thats how i am)

trickymw · 2021-04-19T10:57:54+00:00

I’m no more than a month in, and I can understand what you’re going through. My ex and I were literally hugging on the couch one day, and the next she was gone with my son, moved out of the province to her fathers. We spoke every morning for 10 years on my drive in to work, I rushed home after to see her, my heart feels like it is in pieces. One month in, when I exchange for my son (2.5), he is confused, doesn’t want to see mom, I can’t look at her, and she doesn’t speak to me. How did we get to this point? Everyday feels like it gets better, but there is always something that reminds me of good times.. I try to remember that there were so many bad times, but the good times were, yes, so good.

pfren2 · 2021-04-19T17:48:47+00:00

This reads as if I wrote it myself. I am 15 months after the separation and 4 months post divorce. I literally talked to her every single day on my drives home from work, where I rushed home to see her face after 29 years together. Even a couple months after the separation, I still delusional-y thought of her as my lifelong best friend. The shock of it all it’s still there all this time later, as if it just happened yesterday. Having full custody of my teens while she lives with her boyfriend has been my only life vest from drowning. Everybody on this forum advocates getting healthy, and I have to say it has helped me immensely as a person, but not so much in getting over the loss of my family. During long solitary runs, I still monologue conversations with her from my past, still trying to figure it all out. It is getting easier, but only a little.

No_more_BPD_2020 · 2021-04-19T04:15:54+00:00

I remember when my therapist talked to me about the feelings after a divorce, the emotional hangover. I was thinking if I get divorced, I'm going to feel great, what's he mean??? This has taken me to dark places I didn't know were possible. I miss the fantasy of my wife every day. The reality of her was miserable, which is why I got divorced. I try to stay in the reality as best I can.

Therapy has helped me a lot.

Jonger1150 · 2021-04-19T13:50:50+00:00

Get in the best shape you can get into....put yourself in position to replace what you lost.

I felt exactly the same until I met my girlfriend. I wasted little time moping around and letting arbitrary amounts of time pass.

Get a new woman.

Wildplayground · 2021-04-22T02:06:04+00:00

Yeah it’s like you’d think some people never heard of a conscious uncoupling. It’s totally possible to divorce and not hate each other and treat each other like shit. It seems most people just act their divorce out like they’ve seen divorces in the movies, they think it should be mean and nasty and hateful and hurtful- when it really could just be a much kinder situation of “okay well let’s just not be romantic then. Let’s be friends”.

Mattyg1981ianm · 2021-04-25T18:32:51+00:00

I’m dying also. Been 6 months. So much pain. Not sure how to make it snd survive

Title	The unexplainable pain
Author	oktyca
Upvotes	35
Comments	15
Date	April 19, 2021 3:40 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/mtsbd4/the_unexplainable_pain/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/the-unexplainable-pain.817218 https://theredarchive.com/post/817218

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