Long story short: married 5 years, had discussions about me not being attentive to STBXW every few months. Said I'd be real good about it for a week or two than fall into old habits. Wash rinse repeat. Now that were separated, and she's already with someone else, she putting all the blame on me for how our marriage ended up. Its aparently my fault that our family is torn apart. Aparently I drove her to seeking attention outside the marriage... hold up a sec. I'm not great at math, but something isn't adding up here. We'd have 1 conversation about me not being attentive every few months when I'd only be good about it for a week or two? So what happened during the other 10-12 weeks between my falling back and the next conversation? Shed seek attention outside the marriage. How is that my fault?

If she ever truly cared about me or our relationship, she wouldn't have waited months to bring it up again, she wouldn't have gone outside the relationship. She would have brought it up as soon as it was an issue. Guess what, 20 or so discussions over our entire marriage left me thinking 'hey, I'm doing alright!' Than the discussion would come up and to me it'd be a surprise. If she brought it up every couple weeks when it was an issue, those discussions would climb to over 100 (assuming I never made a change) but having that many frequent discussions would keep it clearly at the forefront of my mind enough for me to make a change... but you now, hindsight is what it is.

Honestly, the more I Iook back on this marriage, the more I'm realizing I'm dodging a bullet by this marriage ending. I'm just wishing I listened to my gut years ago before taking a couple hits (getting married, having a kid, buying a house, etc). During the conversations we'd have, she'd bring up that she felt like I didn't love her, that I didn't think she was beautiful, and that I didn't care about her. Well, I'm hoping she's comparing how she feels now to what she thought she felt then. Right now, I hate her. Right now, she's the ugliest human I've seen (mostly her personality). Right now, I wouldn't piss to put her out if she was on fire.

If she felt like I didn't care back then, I can only imagine how she feels now. I hope she's guilty. I hope she looks at our kids face every day and sees me. I hope she has the constant reminder of the bullshit she put me through that I'm now seeing clearly and am not putting up with. I hope she sees the mistake she made and realizes how hard I tried. I hope she fully understands what it's like for me to not care about her. I hope she realizes it and feels that regret every day of her life.

At least than she can make a change and be better for our kid and won't pull the same bs she pulled with me. I will never let SRBXW give up on my kid the same way she gave up on me.