Is it possible to change the first impression you've given someone?

I know it's wrong but I got attached to a guy I met online. Things are pretty much over with my boyfriend, but it will be officially over when I can see him after lockdown. Anyway I met this guy online, and we've been speaking as friends. He's been really supportive. Yet stupidly I now find myself getting attached to him after only a few weeks. He's a really sweet dude and I want to get to know him. But I fear I've pushed him away by being quite needy and always talking about my problems. He's going through depression and as a result he's not really talking to anyone. He used to message me a lot more frequently but he has stopped talking as he's dealing with stuff in rl which has triggered his depression.

I've messaged him a lot and told him I'm there for him. He's been there for me lately so I want to be there for him too. I am attracted to him but I know I'm not in a healthy place for a relationship at all. Still I'd like him to be a friend and maybe one day something will blossom but I know that won't be for a very long time if at all. I'm just worried that I've left a bad first impression in being very needy and expressing my concern for his depression. Have I blown it?

[–]super_thinker_ 25 points26 points27 points 5 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link

Hi sis! I'm sorry you're in a tough place right now.

I don't know you or this guy or your situation, but I can speak from my own experience and the experiences of my friends.

Unfortunately, men are the gatekeepers of relationships and they know EXACTLY how they feel about a woman the instant they meet her/start talking to her. There is nothing you can say or do to change his perception of you because it has very little to do with you.

In the eyes of men, we are either women they will ghost/ignore, women they will string along, or women they will pursue. You can't take a man's opinion of you personally. Again, it has way more to do with him than you.

I've learned that the best thing you can do when a man starts pulling away is to fade away from him too. Return his same energy. That's really all you can do. Repeat after me: "I do not want what doesn't want me." If he isn't actively pursuing you and making you feel like a queen then forget him!!

You may be falling into a bit of a scarcity mindset right now because of your impending breakup but take this as an opportunity to fall in love with yourself again! There will be PLENTY of men when you're ready! And men without mental health issues at that!!!

[–]BabyGothQFDS Specialist 11 points12 points13 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]VulperaBae2 points 5 years ago [recovered] (4 children) | Copy Link

Thank you. I know I shouldn't be getting attached to this guy but he's just been so lovely and caring. It hurts that he's gone from messaging me every other day or so to this but I know he's got his depression and rl crap to deal with. And he's only my friend so I won't pressure him. I'll give him space. I want to support him through this bad time he's having but it's so hard to not take it personal. He seemed sort of interested in me before all this, so I can't help but think I've ruined things.

But yeah I won't contacting him anymore. I'll give him space and let him come to me when/if he wants to. I just get so attached so easily.

[–]cupittycakesFDS Specialist 9 points10 points11 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

And here I come being a little preachy but this is some word for word stuff straight from posts I've read on FDS.... Here goes: Neither of you are in a good place for a relationship. You both need to work on yourself before you're able to commit energy to someone else.

And girl, you are technically still in a relationship so it's a bit messy all over

And try so so hard to never tell any man about your problems in the future ever again- not unless y'all are already partners or strictly friends- but even still be careful what you share. I can understand how it ended up that way bc you met online and were basically chat buddies, but a real pro tip for life is keep personal struggles to yourself as much as possible, from anyone, even ppl you think you can trust. It's a hard lesson learned but try to talk less (ie, just don't overshare), express hardships less, and get a therapist to talk through it all

I'm glad you decided to not chase this man after what the other ladies said bc they are right. And chasing a man will only end up with you hurt in the end

[–]super_thinker_ 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link

You didn't do anything wrong!! And it's completely understandable that you got attached. You were most likely missing emotional intimacy in your relationship and it felt good and exciting to find it with someone.

I agree with what the other ladies are saying though. It can be dangerous to let a man in before vetting him for 6 months to a year. I got too vulnerable too quickly with a guy I met online in my early 20s and he turned out to be a predator.

The "rejection" you are feeling right now is a feeling that you are creating for yourself. It is an ego issue (we've all been there) - you are seeking validation from this man, but only YOU can give yourself the validation you need. You need to love yourself enough to know that you deserve better than this guy. You are the same person you were before you met this guy and you will be the same person after he is gone. Your worth hasn't changed because he came into your life. No one has the power to change your worth!!

[–]VulperaBae2 points 5 years ago [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you. I've gone through childhood trauma and am left feeling like an unlovable person. Despite years of therapy it doesn't seem to get any better. At first I felt securely attached to this guy as he was texting me regularly, not a creepy amount but enough to make me feel liked. We spoke on mic while gaming and he was so sweet, never inappropriate. I'm sorry if I'm repeating what I've already said but he's just gone quiet for a few days now. I said if he's going through depression then I'm here for him, and to let me know if I can help. He got back to me and said thanks for asking, he's going through s*** in real life and he doesn't know how I could help as he's used to dealing with things alone. A couple of days I asked him what was going on and he's not replied.

Could there be a chance of him liking me but he's just depressed and doesn't want to burden me? A lot of men don't want to discuss their feelings and I've only known him a few weeks. He knows I'm in a relationship so he's not going to pour his heart out to me. And he's been in bed with depression so maybe he just doesn't have the energy to reply or feels too low to do so. Or do you think he really just doesn't care as much as I believed he did?

[–]super_thinker_ 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm so sorry about your childhood trauma. Many people with childhood trauma (myself included) struggle with feeling heard and understood because we never received this kind of attention as children.

In my experience, the men who have pulled away from me always do so because there is another woman in the picture. (I always find this out through some digging online, even if they don't come right out and tell me there is someone else).

I know the thought of a man choosing another woman stings the ego but we can't take it personally!!! We can't compare ourselves to the other women. It doesn't work that way. No woman is better than another.

People are the most attracted to what they are familiar with and men almost ALWAYS choose the safest and easiest option (meaning whichever woman makes him feel the most secure with himself, whatever his definition of "safe" may be).

My advice would be to let go and free yourself sweet girl ❤ life is too short to waste on immature, broken men! Do something really nice for yourself today and start giving your inner child the attention and understand she has always been looking for.

Title	Is it possible to change the first impression you've given someone?
Author	VulperaBae
Upvotes	12
Comments	7
Date	January 12, 2021 7:59 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/kvzc59/is_it_possible_to_change_the_first_impression/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/is-it-possible-to-change-the-first-impression.1059790 https://theredarchive.com/post/1059790

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