It’s such a complex word because there are so many layers and experiences one gets when dealing with trauma. Never in my life did I think that my trauma would affect my dating life. I have a history of physical abuse from my dad, Rape, and I’m sure mental abuse from being in so many situationships. my post here explains everything It been understood that I have freeze/fawn response to men.

The trauma prohibits me from talking to my parents about my dating life. The times when I did, they did not go well as my mistakes were already made. Im almost embarrassed for them to know what I’ve been through and how my “love” life consist of a guy who doesn’t want to be with me, but keeps me in his back pocket.

The trauma keeps me stuck in shitty situationships. These guys usually have girlfriends because I would be so desperate for them to love me to some degree. Any slight attention became my love life. They then use me for all I have, however refuse to date me. I will find a way to leave, but they seem to always say the right things to weasel themselves back in.

The trauma physically disables me. The lows I get after being discarded leave me stuck in my Apartment for days. I won’t shower. I’ll just sleep on my couch, then make my way to my bed. I’ll ignore calls. I’ll do everything I can to make it dark inside. I won’t workout. I won’t clean. My energy is completely gone. I physically can’t do anything.

The trauma makes me anxious. I feel like I’m on edge all of the time. My brain is constantly processing and over analyzing actions I could have done/ could have said to make a guy want me. I am always thinking of ways to look better, to be more attractive, because clearly I’m not attracting anyone worthy.

The trauma makes me afraid of men. Black men with authority (my father is black and I am Black so it makes sense) make me nervous when they raise their voice. I remember my old boss almost me cry over an error I made at work, however I instantly felt like a little girl again. I now know that was an emotional flashback.

The trauma makes me weary of what people think of me. Because people are aware of my past with men, I get nervous when meeting new people. I then learn their intentions and I get more isolated, more afraid.

The trauma makes me feel stuck, but it has also driven me to take control of my life to enroll in therapy and heal my issues so that I can have a successful dating life, but to also stop the cycle of abuse for my future children. Writing in this sub has changed my life as I know so many of you can relate. I love hearing your thoughts, advice, and your own experiences as they motivate me and encourage me to be gentle with myself during the healing process.