It’s been said - often/usually by feminists - that if every incel in the world suddenly got a girlfriend, the net amount of violence in the world would only go up, because people who think that way about women are abusive to their partners. Of course, even the people over at /r/IncelTears will tell you that not every incel is an abuser waiting to happen - some of the less angry ones actually strike me as white knight types who will submit to whatever abuse the first woman willing to date them wants to inflict - just that their communities are breeding grounds for that abusive mentality. The same is true of feminist communities and the mentality of female abusers.

I spent the first 25 years of my life in romantic, platonic, and familial relationships with emotionally abusive women, without ever realizing that what was happening to me was abuse because both “patriarchy” and feminism taught me that my feelings didn’t matter and that kind of behavior was normal and acceptable in women (but not in men). Based on my lived experience, as well as my conversations with my male and female friends who were raised by or dated abusive women, female abusers, especially those in heterosexual relationships, are characterized by the following traits:

  • An unshakeable belief that men have a moral obligation to care for their emotional needs, but that they do not need to reciprocate because men either do not have emotional needs or are responsible (in both senses of the word) for their own emotional insecurities.

  • The similar and related belief that because men’s emotional needs are inherently less important, it’s not abuse when they hit, scream at, guilt trip, act possessively or behave passive-aggressively towards men, only when men do those things to women.

  • Bringing this lack of concern for / prejudice against men into their view of other male-female relationships, including and especially the tendency to automatically take the woman’s side in he-said-she-said conflicts even when they lack any knowledge of the situation, or, when the woman is clearly in the wrong, to downplay the significance of her actions and focus on how the man could have handled the situation better.

  • Denying their own agency in the relationship by blaming their abusive, controlling actions on their partner’s bad behavior while refusing to consider the effect their abusive, controlling actions have on their partner.

Also in my lived experience (as a recovering feminist who used to consider myself a part of these communities), feminist communities are characterized by the following traits:

  • An unshakeable belief that men have a moral obligation to call out microaggressions and fight sexism against women, but that they do not need to reciprocate because men either do not experience microaggressions and sexism or because men are responsible (in both senses of the word) for their own oppression.

  • The similar and related belief that because men’s issues are inherently less important, it’s not harmful when they generalize about, categorically insult, belittle the emotions of, or engage in “ironic” sexism against men, only when men do those things to women.

  • Bringing this lack of concern for / prejudice against men into their view of other male-female relationships, including and especially the tendency to automatically take the woman’s side in he-said-she-said conflicts even when they lack any knowledge of the situation, or, when the woman is clearly in the wrong, to downplay the significance of her actions and focus on how the man could have handled the situation better.

  • Denying their own agency in the system of gender roles they erroneously refer to as “patriarchy” by blaming their misandry on men’s misogyny while refusing to consider the effect their misandry has on men (or, more importantly, on impressionable young boys who are being taught their assigned gender role by predominately female caretakers).

Am I saying that all feminists are abusers? Of course not. Am I saying that they have the same attitude towards men that abusers do, that abusers feel at home in feminist communities, that feminist rhetoric can easily be used to justify abusive and toxic behavior, that my abusers used it in exactly that way, that the only reason I was willing to call myself a feminist is because these abusers conditioned me to accept these misandrist double standards, and that feminists’ casual misandry helps create and empower abusers? Abso-fucking-lutely.

Oh, it’s also an objective fact that women are more likely to engage in intimate partner violence than men, and feminists play a clear and undeniable role in preventing this from being acknowledged or influencing public policy.