I recently signed up for POF to meet some new women while I start grinding away at two jobs and head back to school. I've been a RP advocate for quite some time (although I've been a long time lurker).

After browsing countless pages of profiles, the line-by-line commentary I have now is like a laser cutting through butter. I started collecting some thoughts and likened the experience to (here's a surprise) an ocean full of fish haha. Here's my unofficial and humorous guide to 6 Deadly Creatures of the POF Sea from the RP perspective.

The 6 Deadly Creatures of the POF Sea Narrated by Jacques-Yves Cousteau

Plenty of Fish is a vast, seemingly endless natural beauty....filled with a lot of crap. Sure, there may be a few sunken treasures, even rumors of mermaids swimming about but the ocean is a vast, treacherous place for novices and expert sailors alike. Whether you sail on a blue ship or a red ship, it's important to be aware the main creatures you may come across on your voyages.

Let me be your guide today and introduce you to a some of our native wildlife. Remember to keep your hands and head(s) at bay and with you at all times...and if you chose to jump exercise EXTREME caution. Now, let's begin.

First up is the Jellyfish: with a mesmerizing display of colored eye shadow and long extensions, these bags of hot air (or saline) float aimlessly through the sea attracting hordes of men who have been warned to "look, but don't touch". Many of our novice sailors get stung anyway. Sometimes it can be fatal. Here's a few tell-tale signs you've encountered a jellyfish. 1. They have the conversational skills of a 5th grader (ready to flunk), 2. They have the depth of a urinal, and 3. They have this plastic quality to them (usually in the facial area). Jellyfish look like a bubble waiting to be popped by age and have their realities artificially blown up by the unwarranted attention of thirsty men everywhere (Credit due to u/goatfishsandwich for that brillant insight). These creatures are best touched with protection only. They do not make good pets. Be careful!

Next up we have the Shark, the aggressive predator. Nature's most revered hunter. We celebrate her every year on Discovery Channel and are constantly bombarded with advertisements of her ritual sacrificial ceremonies referred to as weddings. They are not for the weak of stomach. To understand this natural predator better you must understand her psychology. She is not the mindless killing machine we once thought but a rather sophisticated evolutionary killer. As she matures into her primal state, an urge develops to find a provider/husband and as that feeling lingers it ignites her killer instincts. She has a timeline, she's hungry and she's fierce(ly motivated). The shark is willing to do whatever it takes to bring home the bacon. To lock in that commitment. She smells blood in the water and she loves herself some beta period blood (because you know, betas stop having their periods when they become men). Obviously the sea is full of sharks so it's a danger out there for our sailors. Especially our BP sailors.

Oh look, we have an Octopus! This delicacy is not to be taken likely. It's interesting. It's unique...maybe it even changes colors to blend in with the hip, underwater subcultures (I'm looking at you, manic pixie dream girls). The truth is all octopi are the same: they all have 8 legs and suction cups with little hooks in them ready to suffocate you in a moments notice. Then they spill ink all over you and you spend the next 3 years in therapy trying to deal with the mess. Not fun. Not fun at all. Again, be careful!

There's also some Shrimp about gentlemen! Although God warned us about shrimp, we thankfully we live in a godless, hedonistic society that allows shrimp to be the most consumed piece of seafood in America. Why? I don't know, I don't like shrimp. Once eloquently described as the cockroaches of the sea, you'll find these shitbags scattered through the ocean just waiting to be picked up and pawned off to the local Red "Pimp" Lobster. They're full of illegal contaminants and high in cholesterol. It's like a no-brainer why you wouldn't want to eat shrimp. Maybe it tastes good, but it's bad for you (I'm looking at you ratchets and bad-bitches).

Next up, Whales. Majestic, larger than life creatures with a desire to make contact with humans. Some people like whales. There are groups devoted to whale watching, and some people even hunt them for fun and sport (although that should be illegal). Hahahahahahahaha.

And last but not least, the Tuna Fish. Bland and in large quantities. Though not exactly deadly in the traditional sense, you can find tuna usually canned and unexciting. They are for lack of a better word boring. You can dress up a salad but the tuna still sucks. If you maintain a steady diet of Tuna you'll commit suicide before the mecury poison sets in. I think you're starting to get my point.

Now that's all for today's tour, I hope you enjoyed your trip on rsurfs' 6 Deadly Creatures of the POF Sea ;)

Edit: Grammar and formatting.