Staying off all the dating, while healing?

beigesun · 2021-11-26T15:08:20+00:00

[permanently deleted]

vcreativ · 2021-11-26T12:29:06+00:00

Please, if this can help someone to uplift themselves, I am game.

This may differ from person to person.

Usually the issue with these sort of journeys is that one (without necessarily meaning to do so) starts to embed their ideology in their environment.

That's one of the reasons why it's basically impossible to get someone out that hasn't themselves felt the impetus of wanting to get out.

My advice is, yes. While you're healing, and more specifically building up inner self worth, you shouldn't be dating at all. Consider the following:

Filtering: while healing you'll be attracted to people that match your current state of mind, not the one you're still to attain. So while you're not quite healthy, you'll more than likely be attracted to people that are not quite healthy.
Building up self-worth: any negative experience in dating that isn't met with sufficient self-worth will have an unnecessarily negative impact on you counteracting any progress you might've made internally. Add this to the skewed filtering and it's not exactly a recipe for success.
Time: dating takes time. This time right now is best spent on yourself. I don't mean this in a selfish way, but if you want to be a partner of value, you need to be at peace with yourself, that's not a switch, it takes discipline, time, and concentrated effort.
Learning to be alone, anyone that seeks a healthy relationship mustn't be afraid of being alone. It's one of the main drivers that keeps people in unhealthy relationships, the fear of being, quite literally, all alone. Truthfully, you're never quite alone, you always have yourself, but you must establish that connection first, no one will be able to give you what you can give yourself.

Note that, by the same token, "friends" can negatively affect this process, as well. Not all of the people you have around you have your best interest at heart. It pays to filter.

The one thing I do suggest is a therapist. The reason is not that you're damaged or anything, it's that you'll have a professional that's being paid so that you can talk about anything, no matter how uncomfortable you feel about it, in a safe space, that will never affect your outside relationships. In order to heal, you need to talk openly to someone about what's bothering you.

Very very few friends will be in a position to do that. Most people aren't all that deep and may well be freaked out when you start unpacking deeper levels of your personality.

In terms of time, I don't want to discourage you, this may well take a few years, but that's normal, it's just usually skipped. As to know how to know you're ready, I guess you'll find yourself in a position we're you're more freely giving to those around you, even just in fleeting moments, without ever expecting anything in return.

I'd say that's a good moment to take note of.

No-Recording-8670 · 2021-11-26T16:33:53+00:00

YES. Congrats for “deprogramming”. As Grey from F&F…. It’s a wonderful idea and if you need any help I am here.

AutoModerator · 2021-11-26T10:59:58+00:00

Please note that this account is new and may not yet be a trusted commenter for this sub.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Brilliant_Usual_743 · 2021-11-28T20:57:27+00:00

I'd say no because healing is an ongoing process. Same with "I'll get into a relationship when I'm happy". You can learn and grow while in a relationship.

Environmental-Row979 · 2021-11-29T00:49:11+00:00

I would definitely avoid what I consider "actively dating" (using dating apps, accepting set-ups, asking people out to get to know them better, etc.), but I would also caution you against closing yourself off to genuine connection based on an arbitrary timeline you have in your head.

Based on the fact that you posted this, it seems like you already kind of know you shouldn't pursue anything right now. Focus that energy and effort we all put into trying to find a partner (or just trying to get laid, honestly) into things that are going to make you feel good about yourself -- hobbies, fun activities, trying new things, taking care of your health and your home, or just knocking it out of the park at work. If, in the middle of all that, you meet someone and something starts to develop naturally -- that's really cool. And when healthy things develop naturally like that, you'll know you've healed enough to start dating.

If you get to the point where you realize you really would like to have someone to share things with -- and you can feel certain that it's not just loneliness/horniness/needing to prove something -- I think you can feel good about returning to actively dating.

Title	Staying off all the dating, while healing?
Author	lalalandlolx
Upvotes	1
Comments	11
Date	November 26, 2021 10:59 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/r2kpnc/staying_off_all_the_dating_while_healing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/staying-off-all-the-dating-while-healing.1086470 https://theredarchive.com/post/1086470

Comments