Does this work for wounded wives?

Rifleshoot · 2021-12-01T01:14:28+00:00

I can’t speak to her mental issues or anything like that, but I would say that they are not and will never be an excuse for how she behaves.

So man up, hold her accountable to boundaries that you set, and read the sidebar. Don’t be a doormat because of some past trauma, real or imagined.

UpTanks · 2021-12-01T12:19:36+00:00

It’s like everything I do now doesn’t even matter because she looks at me and sees everything I did wrong.

Tell me, in this situation is the solution:

A) Try your hardest to perfectly meet what you think her needs are. Try to make her happy by correcting the things she points out to you and by placating to her every whim so as to not incur wrath.

or

B) STFU. Grow a pair of balls. Read sidebar. Lift weights. Get mission. Become decisive. Implement and enforce boundaries when she misbehaves.

She's right about one thing, her becoming an emotional wreck is your fault. But not because of the reasons you both think. Its because until now you have been the captain of a boat lost in the middle of an ocean storm. You don't know what you want, you don't know what you're doing and you don't know where to go. In this situation, what exactly are you expecting of your first officer? For them to somehow keep 1 Peter 3??

"I know we are in the middle of a storm and I don't know what to do about it. But the Bible said you need to submit to me.... Wait, why are you upset?"

You are asking someone to submit to a captain going nowhere. Solution: go somewhere. You must carve out a path and stick to it no matter how many sh*t tests get thrown at you. And another thing, never quote the Bible to your wife to make her submit ever again. You need to become a man she wants to submit to, and even then she might not. Oh well, at least you'll be going somewhere.

She is still mad at me for something I said 20 years ago

"What I did before was wrong and I've apologized for it. But from here on, I won't hear anything more of it. You will either help me move forward in my mission or you can sleep on the couch." - this is the sort of mindset we're looking for. Do not quote this to her like you did the Bible. Words are good, but consistent and strong actions are what count - especially early in these situations.

2021-12-01T16:38:43+00:00

apologized for it a thousand times

Why would you apologize for something more than once? Even one apology is likely too much, unless you murdered someone you are just giving room to her hamster.

I’m probably deep in her frame

You care way too much about her problems, and not nearly enough about your own problems.

egalitarian model

No. You first off need to get with a strong community of Christians - I'd recommend joining the Discord. Go to Genesis 3 and quickly read that story. What happens when an Egalitarian model is practiced? Adam listens to Eve, and then everyone is damned. Really good going right? Women are easily manipulated, and that's why we don't listen to them, and why they are not to lead.

Deep_Strength · 2021-12-01T21:42:58+00:00

or perhaps the egalitarian model that she subscribes to would work in this scenario?

You're mistaken about one thing. You're already doing the "egalitarian model" by trying to be a friend to her feelings. Friends are equal.

How's that working out for you?

Here's why my wife submits to me when I call her out on it. You have to build the foundation.

https://www.reddit.com/r/askRPC/comments/r20shf/jimmy_evans/hms9xwo/

WhereProgressIsMade · 2021-12-16T23:01:06+00:00

From seeing numerous relationships play out, there does seem to be a point of no return, but you won't know whether she hit it or your relationship is salvagable until you start doing things right. For example, frequently a spouse will refuse to go to counseling or do x until the divorce papers are filed and then all of a suden they're motivated to finally listen and try to work on things, but the person filing hit the point of no return quite a ways back and they're at the point there's just too much resentment built up for anything good they do to make a dent.

I do believe of course God has the power to change hearts even in that case and have heard of cases of it happening, but too often their heart is too hardened toward God.

It seems to be very common for a wife to freak out when a man starts implementing the sidebar plan. Mine certainly did even thought I tried to implement changes slowly but deliberately and steadily. Plus, they'll be doubtful that any of the changes are going to actually stick. How many diets are started and then peter out within a few weeks? It can take a long time for them to accept that this is the new you. I forget the guideline - something like 1 or 2 months per year you've been married. I've been working on the sidebar plan for 18 months now and still have a long ways to go. Slow and steady wins the race.

The egalitarian and complementarian teaching that a husband should "do everything" for his wife is wrong so don't "give it a try". The secular redpill figured out that women resent guys that do that. It's not Biblical either. Ephesians 5 doesn't say to love your wife more than yourself, it says twice to love her as much as yourself. It explains what kind of love is meant when it says "Husbands love your wives". It's not "do whatever she wants. Defer all decisions to her. Put her on a pedalstize and forgo all your own needs". First, it's for santification. Wives back then were often not treated much better than a servant. It means, hey, actually love your wife and treat her well. Bringing her toward santification can be tough to do it right. I don't think you were in a place where reading 1 Peter to her was a good idea. Start slower. Work on being a man worthy of respect (Titus 2:2). Start leading on easy, simple things. "Hey, I'm going to go grab some ice cream. Do you want to come along?". Slowly, up the ante. "Hey, I'm going to clean the kitchen. Would you help me?" When you hit a point she stops following, the best move often is to take a step back to where she consistantly does follow you again.

At least that's been my main issue. I lead things pretty well when we dated, but got lazy over our marriage, so leading again has been my main thing to work on. It's slow, but it's working. I've gotten to the point where she'll usually join me doing some cardio or going for a walk. It's certainly much better than if I just kept telling her, "you know, the Bible tells wives to submit, so do what I say."

AstronomerNo6954 · 2022-06-26T02:06:29+00:00

Lmao telling a woman to submit will not make her submit.

Title	Does this work for wounded wives?
Author	TrashHubby
Upvotes	1
Comments	8
Date	December 1, 2021 12:32 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askRPC
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askRPC/comments/r61tsq/does_this_work_for_wounded_wives/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askRPC/does-this-work-for-wounded-wives.1089416 https://theredarchive.com/post/1089416

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