I made a post here a while back that I deleted for sake of my wife finding it. (I was advised to keep actual divorce talk and strategies hidden from her for my best chance at getting at least 50% custody or getting run through the mud financially)

As in my last post I won’t bore you with the details of our martial problems, but I feel like divorce is inevitable for us and I’d like to go ahead and rip the bandaid while the kids are still young (oldest is not even 2 yet) and won’t really know a life when we were all a family. One reason I know I’m ready is because that sentence doesn’t even pain me to say/write anymore. I do however have anger at myself for letting things go this long, that even though it may be better for my wife and I in the long run, the kids are going to be the ones to suffer. To not ever know what it’s like to be a normal family.

I’m sure my wife will find someone else, and maybe I will too even though I’m prepared and content on being forever alone as long as I’m still the greatest dad I can be to our boys.

But that’s my concern, can they still live a happy and normal life even tho they split their time between their mother and I? If they’re used to it from a young age, I feel like it’ll be better, but it’s just hard for me to know that even at 50% custody, I’m not going to be there for half of their lives. I’m not going to always be there to protect them, to play with them, to comfort them, or any of that.

I’ll make it a point video call them every chance I get when she has custody, but just the thought of not being there in person terrifies me. The fact that my wife may find someone else doesn’t bother me, but the scenario where that person is a straight up dipshit and will be around my boys half of their life, does not sit well with me. Which is one reason why I’m also prepared to be miserable in this relationship until they’re grown.

But at the same time, I don’t feel like I’m setting a good example for them for putting up with the bull crap I do. As if it’s supposed to be normal in a marriage or relationships to be this way, and the man just take it. I don’t ever want them to feel the way I do. I want them to know that it’s wrong, but to me, it’ll be hard to convince them of that if I’m just putting up with it.

She hasn’t cheated (that I know of) so that makes the situation harder. It just pains me knowing these 2, precious, joyful little Boys, will not know what it’s like to have a normal mom/dad present in the same household. I certainly don’t think it’s good for them to be in the same household as it is now, where there’s constant yelling and arguing. They just ignore it now or laugh, but eventually they’re going to figure out for themselves what’s going on, and that keeps me driven to want to separate from her. I just feel like I’m damned either way, like I’ve let them down. Just So frustrated at myself that I cant even sleep at night. They deserve the best childhood, and I’m just afraid I can’t give them that in either scenario.

Idk, I guess I’m just venting at the moment and probably rambling.

I was planning on listing some questions I had for a lawyer and asking if there was any additional I should be asking in my first meeting with them. So anything that comes to mind I should be asking them to try and determine whose best to represent me would be great.

Thanks in advance