Intoxicated post:

I have not had a graceful childhood or transition into adulthood. Father who has been on disability for mental illness since I was tiny & manipulated me into thinking like him & living in one great big pity party. Him and mom argued ever since I could create memories. She cheated, his father-funded business failure failed when I was like 7. Divorce at 8. Older, better-in-most-ways brother and the neighborhood bullied the fuck out of me.

Saving grace in school I got thin (fat growing up) and attractive and ran track. I was still an incel Christian simp in every regard. Happy and ignorant though. That happiness and facade wore off. At least my running and good looks stopped the bullying for the most part... so I thought

Got bullied in college for being weak and nice with little else to offer other than being a nice listener. Couldn't fuck my first college GF and I was in a committed relationship with her. Literally couldn't have sex due to anxiety and confidence issues. Healthy 19 year old couldn't get a single boner for months. She cheated multiple people & friends of mine, obviously. I could have been anything and everything. I still can.

Abuse and emotional neglect. Dad was an emotionally controlling pity-party failure. Mom didn't like me, brushed me off as cringe, and favored my cold stepdad every time. Cold motherfuckers, at least dad had some real love. Mom liked older brother way more. Why did she have a second kid with him? No idea but I'm here and I got 50+ years left here.

Anyways, had a mental breakdown last year leaving me in psych wards and hospitals about 5 different places. During that time I stopped giving a fuck, got 3 hookups in 1 fucking week on Tinder & the last girl I linked with got me banned from Tinder because I was her 2nd guy ever & I was just trying to plow. I'm sure she didn't appreciate my "manipulation". Then I traveled an hour to fuck a girl I met on FB and crashed with her for 3 days. Sex and partying. Final and last girl I was with flew in from across the fucking country to see me and have a 4 day date/sexcapade. Gorgeous woman. Then the mania/not giving a fuck wore off and I have not gotten laid in almost a year.

I am reflecting and trying to grow as an MAN. I cannot be my father. I cannot return to the simping nice guy. I need to harness some of the crazy psycho energy but acquire myself a normal healthy life too.... I am at the core, not a player or redpill guy AT ALL historically, but I have it in me.

I ranted like a bitch, but this semi-intoxicated post is something I can hopefully look back on & laugh at. I need to come here more, learn from men who have actually bettered themselves, and let my old self die screaming

We all got it in us. I'm mid-20s now, and have wasted most of my life recovering from shitty influences and decisions. I need to be a fucking man and never, ever look back