Did I handle a confrontation correctly?

AFPJ · 2016-10-02T22:53:51+00:00

Did I handle a confrontation correctly? (self.asktrp)

Well, it depends - have you stopped to think about what your optimal / desired outcome was? If you achieved it, yes.

Your post is a prime example of why nothing can help if you have no confidence. Objectively, that guy's a sack of shit, and he wronged you. But instead of reminding him of his place in the world on the spot & making HIM mentally fuck himself over it for days, you mentally fucked yourself over it for days, and in the end went and apologized to the guy.

He KNEW he was right, even though he wasn't, while you wrongfully questioned yourself - and look how this impacted the outcome and consequences of your relatively minor confrontation. That's the difference of confidence. Think on it.

O_Son · 2016-10-03T00:24:28+00:00

I've never worked in a restaurant but I know it's a fast-paced no-bullshit kind of job. He sounds like a prick, probably a stupid guy to be moody about something like that and snap his fingers. I've known a few guys like that from the jobs that I worked at call-centers, where they flutter their eyelashes at you for asking a question or do something feminine like that. Sometimes they were home schooled or have no social intelligence, and sometimes they're just stupid. Sounds like you did nothing wrong, but the following quote probably applies to you as it does to many people:

The philosopher Bertrand Russell said that

The fundamental cause of the trouble is that in the modern world the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt.

Often paraphrased as "The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts."

raisins3142 · 2016-10-03T05:00:03+00:00

The rest of the night I was waiting for him to be by himself to apologize to him

You sound like me when I was in my 20s.

Honestly, from your description, this guy seems effeminate as hell.

I'm picturing the Wayans brothers from In Living Color.

I used to obsesse over these things as well.

The honest answer is that mentally healthy people can have a brief confrontation and then move on from it socially and not get hung up on it. It is likely he is not thinking about this at all, while he is taking up space in your head.

The anecdote is to grow older while learning from experience and caring about yourself and putting yourself first, while calming down.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2016-10-03T12:49:06+00:00

I am fuming about the incident. I was seriously a wreck.

You're doing it wrong.

He went on some bullshit about how he didn't like my attitude and that I was a really rude person.

You: "You mean 'snapping my fingers in someone's face' rude?"

SetConsumes · 2016-10-03T18:45:23+00:00

You're too nice. You didn't do anything wrong so don't take blame from the start, he could have handled his customers and your question just fine, it's not like they were some vips or anyone important, and you didn't do it intentionally. By apologizing and wanting to you just played into his asshole frame. You also played nice guy by expecting him to apologize too, covert contract that neither of you agreed upon that you felt entitled to.

When he started bitching you out, you should have stopped him right there and brought him into your perspective/frame instead of entertaining his. Instead, you continued to be below him, because you allowed it and assumed it too.

You also fumed over it because of the power loss in the situation, as if it's some big deal, some large moment of your life.

throwaway36141592 · 2016-10-04T14:06:16+00:00

I really think you're giving this way too much thought man. You're going to encounter assholes, huge assholes no matter what position you're put in in life. Especially the work place.

I used to be the same, if someone were to outright offend or verbally abuse me it would make me incredibly upset or even trigger adrenaline. Sometimes I would say nothing and sometimes I would react profusely. Sometimes I would think about it for weeks and even hate myself for not standing up.

What I've learned is, you can't control how others act, only how you react.

Whenever someone loses it or disrespects me these days, I basically go third person and try to "detach" from my ego resulting in almost no negative emotions.

Imagine if a dirty old homeless man was verbally abusing you? You wouldn't give a fuck because he's irrelevant and you're much higher status.

Try and adopt the same mindset with assholes in the work place. They're just people, with opinions. Nothing more. Be indifferent or shut them down in an ice cold tone and most importantly acknowledge and move on.

Also be careful with apologies. Sometimes you think that's all it takes to resolve a problem with someone, however you should only ever apologize if you're really in the wrong, and not just because they're upset by your behavior.

The best way to fuck over a power tripping cunt like the one you just mentioned is to practically ignore any childish behavior like finger snapping and outright ignoring them.

E.g They snap their fingers while verbally abusing you and you react completely indifferent and move to the person next to talk pretending like nothing happened. Even joke a little. Demonstrate they didn't mentally rock you in the slightest and you'll strip them of any power because they now know they can't lower your emotional status.

Title	Did I handle a confrontation correctly?
Author	Thebilboestbaggins
Upvotes	8
Comments	7
Date	October 2, 2016 10:28 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/55kn0a/did_i_handle_a_confrontation_correctly/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/did-i-handle-a-confrontation-correctly.112217 https://theredarchive.com/post/112217

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