Hey guys, I wasn’t quite sure on where to post this but this sub feel like the right place. TW for sexual assault. Also, I’m a bit emotional writing this out, sorry if my story is a bit chaotic/incoherent.

To start off with some context: About 4 years ago a friend, who I will call Jack from now on, and I were trying to make a short sketch, which we would preform at our high school to try to get in to a musical group. We’d already done this before but everybody had to reapply for every new musical that they wanted to set up, and Jack and I always managed to get some good laughs and would get in. This was in our 3rd year of high school, I think I was 15 at the time. A lot of people thought I was gay in high school, but to this day too , partially because I played a gay sketch with Jack previously; some people also thought he was gay. I’m honestly not 100% sure on Jack’s sexuality, but he never publicly came out.

As we were trying to think of a new sketch, we thought of a sketch about airport security. We just started to play it out, and he insisted on being a security officer.

As we were improvising, he started a body search, which was kind of to be expected. At some point though, he went as far as touching my genitals with only my underpants in between, really feeling it and even pulling back the underpants to look inside for a second.

At the time, I knew that I did not like it, but kind of froze and couldn’t get myself to saying it out loud. We would never implement this into our performance of course, as it was unfit to play at school. Next, we just started making another sketch as if nothing happened. Jack has always liked riding this line of intimacy but this time it really felt mortifying to me, especially the way he carried on like nothing had happened.

After we had made the sketch I went home, it started to dawn on me hat had happened, and I started to feel disgusted and humiliated. I took a shower that must have lasted at least an hour. I started feeling rage at Jack for this over the course of the next few days. For probably a few months I held on to this anger, and then the anger just turned into feelings of shame and helplessness. I never told him this though, I have never known quite for sure whether he meant it to be as aggressive, or just as a funny part of the sketch, which makes it even harder for me to process. It seems unfair to treat him like a perpetrator but even if I ask him, he’ll probably deny any intentions either way, which is why I have been leaving it for what it is.

I never talked about this to anybody to date, and still see Jack sometimes, but only because of a mutual friend of ours, with who we form kind of a friendship triangle. I have never initiated anything with Jack anymore since though. I honestly just want nothing to do with him.

Unfortunately it wasn’t even the first time something like this happened. About a year before this, another friend (Will from now on) who turned out to be bi groped me when I was half asleep when he stayed at my place for one night. At that time I also froze up. I did not get as angry, but our friendship was also not as good as with Jack. I guess it felt like Jack had been using me more than Will had. I only liked Will in private, he was kind of a dick in groups.

I’m guessing it also feels worse with Jack because with Will it felt more like a misreading of the situation.

I still think about it sometimes and it makes me feel horrible, I feel like it’s my fault for not saying anything, even thoughI know that I shouldn’t blame myself. I’m not sure what I want to achieve with this post, but at the very least it helps me clear it up in my mind about what happened.

I have always been prone to feelings of depression, but retrospectively, I think these events have been a major factor in that.

TLDR; got sexually assaulted by two friends, on separate occasions, and never spoke about it.