Wife is a "covert narcissist", and our son is 18 and disabled; Divorcing ASAP. Any thoughts/advice?

maybebionic · 2022-09-21T23:37:34+00:00

There is a book about divorcing narcissists called “splitting” - read it and expect the worse.

Stalkmoney · 2022-09-21T23:50:13+00:00

Consult with a few lawyers in secret. Because her income will go up it may be beneficial if she moves out before filing and you help to that end in every regard.

You also may be able to leverage the care of your son in this situation if she wants to come after your pension, private care for your son split between two people would probably still be ridiculously expensive.

My soon-to-be ex is a malignant narcissist. Good luck!

Gattsama · 2022-09-22T03:45:59+00:00

Hey man, sorry you are going through this. I sent you a DM (with just generic points). Things depend a lot on your state. But understand that divorce has four parts:

spitting of assets & debts. Normally will be split 50/50
spousal support. Varies a lot from state to state, length of marriage, income of both parties, etc. Understand that you both can be imputed. This is the amount of money the court says you can earn, not what you actually earn. The main purpose is to stop men from trying to undervalue their income, but it works both ways. For example, in my case the STBX hasn't worked for 12 years. But has a college degree, can work and will have to at some point in the near future to survive. She completed a vocational evaluation stating she can work and can make $42.5k per year. I'm asking she be imputed at that
child support. Suspect would be zero, but not sure with dependent adult??
child residence and custody. This is different than support (money). Custody can be 50/50 but the child can still have primary residency with one parent. Sounds like in your case you want primary residency with you at your apartment.

IF you are both truly amicable, an uncontested divorce is actually pretty simple. Can DIY with or without a service for a few hundred dollars. You decide how you want to spilt things, the service reviews and makes sure everything is OK, you / they file, judge signs off and down.

Mediation is another great way to go. You say down, the mediator helps make sure all issues are address, and again they normally have a paralegal or someone draw up the paper work, file, etc.

The problem is this only works when both parties are able to come to agreements on everything. This is ideal as in the end you get the exact same deal, but waste huge amounts of money on attorneys.

Your pension is a community asset. She legally owns half of it. Fairness doesn't matter here. She has the right to wave her half, or you need to balance things out.

Ex: you have 50k in pension, 10k in cash and 10k of misc assets (tv, car, etc). You also have 30k of debt (cars, credit cards, etc). So you net worth is 40k which is 20k each. But that doesn't have to be spilt down thr middle. You can ask for: You keep $50k pension and assume the entire $30k of debts (+$20k); She keeps the cask and all assets = +$20k. Everything is equal.

It's good that she's moving out and your son is with you. You need to:

open a new bank account (there are a ton of free online banks to choose from)
prepare to have your pay direct deposited to new account
the day before you file be prepared to transfer 50% of all liquid assets to your new account and be prepared to remove her name from all of your accounts and lock / close joint accounts if able.
once filed, try to use the new account for all expenses and don't touch community assets or accounts if possible
make a spread sheet of all expenses, debts, income and assets. Record their current value. Print or get pdfs of all accounts for the past 6-12 months, and same for tax returns for the past 3-5 years. The values of the debts and assets lock at filing (ie she can't run up new debt, open new accounts or draw down current assets)
talk to a few attorneys (normally 1st hr consult is free). Have a list of questions when you call, and keep one on backup incase needed. Ask about the situation with your son and whats a likely outcome if you ended up in court.
once all you ducks are in a row

upvotersfortruth · 2022-09-22T08:26:52+00:00

My ex is a covert narcissist - standard narcissism doesn't apply all that well. 100% focus on whatever are her benefits or interests of any terms in the settlement. She will react viscerally to any "we" type stuff or anything about your interests. Give her what she's always needed, the attention that a grandiose narcissist achieves and ultimate victim status.

Title	Wife is a "covert narcissist", and our son is 18 and disabled; Divorcing ASAP. Any thoughts/advice?
Author	EveryLynx2337
Upvotes	3
Comments	8
Date	September 21, 2022 11:05 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/xkk28h/wife_is_a_covert_narcissist_and_our_son_is_18_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/wife-is-a-covert-narcissist-and-our-son-is-18-and.1132174 https://theredarchive.com/post/1132174

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