I am starting to spend more time thinking about my first girlfriend, and I am beginning to understand some things that I couldn't back then.

Before we got together, her and my situation were completely different. All of my guy friends were always single, while only one of her girl friends was single. On top of that, she was living with her parents while I was living with my friend. In her friend circle, finding a guy and moving in together was the norm. Her friends were no longer going out alone but with their boyfriends, and they weren't interested in meeting new people. Those things prevented her from attending social gatherings and getting a chance to meet a guy. She talked to me about her struggle after we got together, but at that time, I didn't understand her position.

I met her through a dating site that was so bizarre that it didn't even allow you to message people without paying a vast amount of money. That was before Tinder was a thing. I barely contacted her through another site, where I found her profile with a reverse Google image search since her Facebook profile was locked entirely.

One thing that bothered me throughout our relationship was her past, justifiably or unjustifiably. She had problems with stalkers, so she had a minimal presence on social media. What bothered me was if she had a stalker ex-boyfriend, but she was never straightforward about it. I know that past traumas are a sensitive topic for women, and there's a lot of victim-blaming in our society, but sometimes I think it's better not to keep your SO in the dark. I am drifting off-topic, but the lack of communication and insecurity on my end was the reason why our relationship ended abruptly.

Ten years later, I struggle being single. I'm in a difficult position, but I have no motivation to improve it because it will be a wasted effort. After discovering TRP, I did a lot to improve my situation, but since all those improvements were based on TRP, it led to a massive disappointment after several years. After quitting TRP, I tried dating apps, but I had no energy to message random women anymore. Anything else would require drastic lifestyle changes since I can't meet any women within my comfort zone. Still, I've been stuck in a daily routine for years, and at this point, I am scared of another disappointment and whether I will be able to recover from it.

It feels that my first relationship was my best opportunity, and there is nothing to look forward to anymore.