Getting involved in other people's shit is almost never a good idea, but I'm wanting to get some views from fellow men on this one as I think my friend may be making bad decisions that will really hurt her and her child in the future and I would like to help her avoid that.

A woman friend, mid-40s, has a daughter (who just started elementary school) by a guy she was in a troubled relationship with for some years before she became pregnant by him. The guy is a bona fide scumbag: good looking entitled chad bro, rich family, lots of cheating, gaslighting etc (after a couple of years dating she learned he was *married* the whole time, and was also hitting on her single friends on Tinder etc). So yeah, all the toxic traits you can imagine. Then he got in serious trouble with the law, and around the same time, she got pregnant with him. She left him and the country before the child was born, but he knows the child exists. After a multi-year court battle, he's just gone to jail for 10 years (probable parole in 5) for weed smuggling.

I hadn't seen my friend in a couple of years as she'd moved far away, but caught up with her this week. She had told me before, and told me again this week that she tells her daughter she 'doesn't have a dad', and she's raising her by herself with some help from friends and her own mother. The kid is a real sweetheart. When I first met her a couple of years ago, she asked me if I was her dad (awwww!). And when I saw her this week for the first time in a couple of years, she called me "*my name*-ey daddy" when her mother wasn't present. When I mentioned it to her mother, she looked surprised/irritated.

Because of my own background (donor dad to kids I have a relationship with, and a 'Big Buddy' to another kid), I know a fair amount about the topic of non-trad child-raising and the critical importance of telling kids the truth about where they came from and who their biological parents are. And because of what I do, quite a few people have told me about their own experiences, and how much anger and destruction was caused by being lied to as kids, so I'm really worried both for my friend and her daughter. The situation is clearly untenable; the kid *will* find out, and the sooner the mother tells the truth the better.

I know 'talk to her' is the answer, but it would be great to get some thoughtful input from people who may have experience with this topic before I do so. I'd only ask that you don't pile in on the mother - she's had a very bad time with this and a bunch of other shit, so thoughtful, forward-looking comments are appreciated.

Thanks in advance,

A pain-in-the-ass but caring friend