good friend of mine is being abused. Should I have a heart to heart or let it go?

yourlordgenghis · 2013-12-21T03:01:20+00:00

Tell him. I was in an abusive relationship with my ex gf. I finally became fed up and left. During 2012 I became severely depressed, gained 25 lbs, stopped my favorite hobbies, and generally hated my life. I left her in Feb, started my happiness initiative, lost 35 lbs, and am now a better and more confident man I have ever been.

blkarcher77 · 2013-12-21T02:38:42+00:00

Tell him that he doesn't have to put up with that just because he is a man and she is a woman.

2013-12-21T03:06:03+00:00

Just be careful how you go about it. Keep in mind that, depending on what you tell him, how you say it, and how far you push it, he might resent you more than he does his wife. Cognitive dissonance is a powerful thing. Or, he might admit that you're right and that he just needed to hear it from someone. You really don't know how he's going to react.

yakon · 2013-12-21T12:19:46+00:00

I'd come with some sort of authoritative-seeming gender-neutral 'signs of an emotionally abusive relationship'. Either send it to him via e-mail (assuming it doesn't get monitored by his wife) with a note like "something to think about" or maybe print it out and bring it in person. So it doesn't look like it's just your opinion.

i.e Some quick googling found some decent sites, they seem to have gender-neutral language but often gender-specific illustrations i.e this article (good except for the picture), this list (though the attached example video is, of course, a guy), or this more academic one.

blkarcher77 · 2013-12-21T06:08:38+00:00

HEart to heart dude. I wouldnt want to see any of my friends in that situation.

SporkTornado · 2013-12-21T08:13:32+00:00

Help him plan an exit strategy. If she is bad enough to abuse him physically and mentally like that. I would not put it past her to lie to the cops or try to destroy his reputation with lies. Document the abuse, photograph the bruises save the text messages. Even convince him to start recording his calls. Then when he is ready to break up depending on the living arrangements, either go over with some friends and kick her out or have him move in with you temporarily. Take friends and pick up all his stuff on one day, Don't let him go alone because she might attack him and call the cops. and if it's just her word vs his, he will be the one spending the night in jail. And when he moves out have him take all his stuff at once. Anything he leaves behind will likely be destroyed by her as an act of revenge.

2013-12-21T10:16:48+00:00

Lets face it. Most men would get angry and be upset about being told their s/o is abusive. The fact is a great number of women are domestic terrorists. So many that a great number of men believe this is just the way women act, or that she is entitled to act that way.

If you do talk to him, address that first, I think. Tell him it's not ok, not all women act that way and ask him to consider what he would think if his wife, s/o, were in a relationship with a man who acted like her. Have him mentally picture a man treating his wife the way she treats him. Ask if he would be ok with it. Ask why he's ok with her doing it to him?

Either way it is risky. I would say go for it, but be prepared to lose a friend permanently. This very thing happened to me and my friend sided with his abuser. Twenty years later, after his divorce, he wanted to resume our friendship and I told him to fuck off. Just be prepared.

rightsbot · 2013-12-21T02:36:16+00:00

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2013-12-21T11:59:09+00:00

I think he needs to plan his escape. ie Protect assets, record instances on film if possible, or just her verbally abusing him. Get all the ducks in a row and then call the cops when she does it again. She will get a warning either she stops or he goes.

It will NOT improve without him acting on it.

2013-12-21T12:41:32+00:00

I had a sibling that was in an extremely abusive relationship. I did everything under the sun to help her. Heart to heart talks, gave her contacts for support groups and helplines. And even kicked the shit out of him twice. She always went back to him. Unfortunately I think the only thing you can do for him is to let him know that he is infact in an abusive relationship.

Most important part here if she is ever abusive towards you since your his good friend do not hesitate to let her know that her behaviour is totally unacceptable and it won't be tolerated. It'll just be a matter of time before she turns her abuse towards you, guaranteed. Do not tolerate it. I had a friend who's GF didn't like me for what ever reason, she was always snarky and mildly rude towards me. I didn't tolerate it, I called her on it finally. She backed down and adjusted her attitude. Turns out that she was jealous her bf had a good buddy, that did dude things together without her.

If you do this in his presence this is your hail Mary. He's either going to see the light and do something, or he will accept his wife exiling you from the group and you may never be in contact with your friend again. Sad situation but that's what's left.

It's really up to him to do something about it.

2013-12-21T13:22:56+00:00

had thrown things at him

This is domestic violence. There's no spinning it or side-stepping it, throwing objects in the general direction of someone is as a much of a stereotypical sign of DV as the proverbial drunken husband-inflicted black-eye.

Flip the genders if you need to. How would a reasonable person react to knowing that a good friend of yours is in a physically (and emotionally) abusive relationship?

He seems to be complaining about this situation. Please at least bring to his attention the part about domestic violence, and if I were you I would start documenting any such abuse (assuming that he hasn't thought of it himself).

theoysterismyworld · 2013-12-21T20:41:53+00:00

At least make sure he doesn't cut you or any of his friends out of his life because his wife wants him to.

SwordfshII · 2013-12-21T03:30:50+00:00

Even if you tell him, he won't do anything about it until he realizes it for himself. Instead he will think you are being "cruel and mean to the love of his life," he and wifey will band together against you.

I would leave it. Eventually he will realize and you can be there to help him get out and pick up the pieces.

Title	good friend of mine is being abused. Should I have a heart to heart or let it go?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	32
Comments	21
Date	December 21, 2013 2:36 AM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/1tdcle/good_friend_of_mine_is_being_abused_should_i_have/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/good-friend-of-mine-is-being-abused-should-i-have.1155537 https://theredarchive.com/post/1155537

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