Sometimes we all need a reminder that "he knows, sis" and I thought I'd share this beautifully written and well-researched article.

https://www.theweek.com/articles/737056/myth-male-bumbler

Here are some quotes from the article, or a TLDR if you will.

The world baffles the bumbler. He's astonished to discover that he had power over anyone at all, let alone that he was perceived as using it. What power? he says. Who, me?

The bumbler doesn't know things, even things about which he was directly informed.There's a reason for this plague of know-nothings: The bumbler's perpetual amazement exonerates him. Incompetence is less damaging than malice.

Breaking that alibi means dissecting that myth. The line on men has been that they're the only gender qualified to hold important jobs and too incompetent to be responsible for their conduct.If you've noticed a tendency to treat girls as knowing adults and men in their 30s as erring youngsters, large sons and "coffee boys," this is why. Our culture makes that script available.

Predatory men normalize their predation and support each other. "You're a target. I'm a target," O'Reilly said in a July 2016 appearance on Late Night with Seth Meyers in which he discussed his employer, Ailes. "Anytime somebody could come out and sue us, attack us, go to the press, or anything like that. … I stand behind Roger 100 percent." Then-presidential candidate Donald Trump, before he himself was accused of sexual assault, also defended Ailes. "I can tell you that some of the women that are complaining, I know how much he's helped them," the future president said, adding that Ailes is "just a very, very good person. And, by the way, a very, very talented person." Weinstein supported Roman Polanski, calling the charges that he drugged and anally raped a 13-year-old girl a "so-called crime" and calling the charges themselves "a shocking way to treat such a man." And Oliver Stone, himself accused of groping a model, lamented Weinstein's fate: "It's not easy what he's going through," Stone said. "I'm a believer that you wait until this thing gets to trial. I believe a man shouldn't be condemned by a vigilante system."This is how the culture attempts to normalize this stuff: by minimizing the damage to women and the agency of men.

Most of us know that when a politician sits on the stand and insists that he "does not recall," that it's a political performance, a manipulative pretense intended to obfuscate. Let's apply that intelligent skepticism toward this rash of professions of male incompetence.

Of course this has been covered on this sub many times before. One of my favourite posts about the subject is by FluffandRainclouds and illustrates some applications of this pretend ignorance to relationships. The title of the post is "He knows, sis" and I'm going to quote a few lines from there since I can't link to anything on reddit, else my post gets removed:

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Many of us have been there with LVM and NVM. Many of us used calm words, polite notes, texts, cards, and heartfelt letters to express our feelings when they did something to hurt us. When that didn't work, a lot of us begged, "nagged," cried (genuine) tears, sobbed, fallen into depression, and dragged them to couple's counseling. Some of us enlisted a mutual friend or family member to "see our side" and validate we weren't "crazy."

Many of us thought, "if he *saw* how much this is hurting me, he can change. Maybe if I use the perfect script, the most tactful words, the most market-friendly vocabulary in just the right tone of voice, he will get a stroke of insight and understand."

Guess what-- your LVM/NVM *knew* he was hurting you. He knew exactly what he was doing and did not care.

When he sees you huff a bit as you calmly, politely, yet unhappily ask him to do the thing he promised/treat you decently/stop disrespecting you. When you shed a pretty tear, he knows. When you "ugly-cry" and your face turns red with leaking, swollen eyelids and snot dripping down your nose, he knows.

Men are excellent at playing dumb when they want to. It's a trope as old as time. "Me dumb man."

Don't even bother psychoanalyzing him. Even if you are a mental health specialist, it's above your pay grade. Why? First, it's unpaid labor. Second, he will not change nor appreciate your efforts. Third, why does the exact mechanism of the poison matter when this person is simply toxic for your physical, mental, and spiritual well-being?

If you must do research, you can read Why Does He DO That? By Lundy Bancroft, The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, and Chump Lady. The answer is stunningly simple: a messed up attitude. Sis, he hears you but is viewing you through the warped lens of "every interaction is a fight and I must win." There is no "we" for him, only "me."

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No amount of "JuSt CoMmUnIcAtE" will fix the problem of him not being willing to listen. You can explain everything to him for hours, write him paragraphs or a whole book on why something is hurtful to you and he will still tune it out when it goes against what he wants.

I am not even exaggerating with the books. I've been a fan of a certain fantasy book series and the fanbase is generally very respectul and understanding of the mental issues main characters go through (especially the male characters of course). One of the female characters has magical powers that make her a master of illusions, those powers basically stem from childhood trauma and fear of not being enough for her parents and siblings, not being liked for who she is. Her dissosiative identity disorder and the trauma it arose from is described in detail and is a constant focus in the books. Many readers find it annoying how she can't already "get over it" or get better. If it's that "annoying" surely the readers couldn't have missed that it would be extremely traumatic to her to have the man who is supposed to love her to desire for her to prentend to be someone else? Well, guess what thirsty bullshit is posted about her husband and how he must have lucked out because she can change to look like any different woman on every other thread about her... Many of those men have reread the books multiple times too.

It's not that they don't understand or that you didn't "communicate" properly. They know and do. not. care.